Conversation With Self

I wasn’t hallucinating, but last night I had a conversation with myself.

“It’s been a while since I have been truly happy”

“It’s been a while since you have had a good night sleep”

“I am not the first mother on this earth. I see others, they all look so happy.”

“And you have enough reasons to be, a beautiful baby, loving husband, doting parents.”

“But something is missing.”

“That missing thing is called sleep, some time for self. Probably you are just going through PMS”

“It’s high time and I should actually start facing the problems rather than making excuses.”

“OK! What are your problems?”

“Hatred. Rage. There is a lot of anger in me towards my parents, my husband, everyone. But mostly towards me.”

“I am listening.”

“Everyone lied to me and I was fool enough to trust them all. Now, they are trying to make it up. While I was fighting depression, they were the silent observers.”

“I am still waiting for you to speak up the name of the person you hate most.”

“What can I say about her? I spent 4 years trying to be good enough for her. Everyone around me portrayed her as a saint. I can’t believe, they were all so blind.”

“Well, I figure you lost your eyesight and trusted her to be a saint.”

“That is the most foolish thing I have ever done. I just wasted four years.”

“You are about to do something even more foolish.”

“What do you mean?”

“Walking out; when finally everything turned into your favor.”

“But I miss the person I used to be. The happiness, love, and confidence I miss it all.”

“Because you replaced all of it with hatred.”

“I am not a saint, neither I pretend to be one. I am a very normal human being who hates the people who do wrong to her.”

“Yes, they made a mistake. Unfortunately, they all did the same mistake at the same time. Therefore, you hate them for it. It’s fine.”

“You are telling me to stay with the people I hate.”

“You cannot completely love or hate a person. There is always a considerable amount of hate in the most sincere love yous. It’s more about which part you focus on.”

“I don’t see happiness if I stick with them for long.”

“Do you see happiness if you don’t? Deceitfulness is in human nature. Someone will always lie to you if you are in any way connected to humans.”

“It’s so complicated. I don’t see any hope for myself.”

“It’s simple. Remember, you used to call these problems adventure in happy times.”

“Those were happy times.”

“Because you chose to make them happy. Happiness is a choice.”

“I don’t know, how to do that anymore.”

“You can’t give up now. This hatred is turning you into the person you hate most. Just focus on being happy. Everything else will fall into place.”

“That was my rule.” I smiled.