Free

Deepak had always felt different.

When he was seven, he loved dolls and brightly coloured clothes. He remembered how, at a wedding, he had seen his cousin Neeta wearing a gorgeous silk dress and wondered why he had to wear such mundane clothes. When he told his mother to buy him a dress just like the one that Neeta wore, she laughed so much that he felt he had said something utterly ridiculous. He was so embarrassed that he never raised that topic again.

When he was 10, he dressed in his mother's saree. He put on lipstick and even though he smeared some of it, he thought he looked just perfect. Suddenly, his father came inside the room and asked him why he had done this to himself. Deepak didn't know what to say. His father shook him hard, "tell me why did you do this?" he shouted. Deepak was trembling with fear. His father snatched the saree off of him leaving him in his shirt, reminding him where he belonged. Deepak learnt that evening that he wasn't a girl and so he could not act like a girl even if it came to him naturally and effortlessly. Deepak remembered being bullied when he was 15 because he "walked and talked like ladies", the bullies had even asked him to go and kill himself. For a moment

Deepak felt like dying was better than living as someone you are not. Deepak liked many boys in school, and in college and even after that. But he could never gather the courage to tell them about his feelings. He felt like they would just make fun of him if he did so.

But Deepak was a brilliant student. He grew up to be a successful doctor. He tried his best to act like a normal man as much as he could and got away with it most of the time.

One evening, when Deepak was about to leave his chamber, someone knocked on the door. Quiet irritated, he said, " Come in." A man in his late twenties came in. He was tall, about six feet very handsome. The man had brown eyes that almost pierced Deepak. Deepak could not help being mesmerised by this stranger. The man casually sad down on a chair opposite to Deepak. "Hello doctor, I'm Avinash", he said, smiling." So what's been troubling you?" asked Deepak. " Nothing much. I have headaches every now and then. I know it's a trivial thing. In fact, I didn't even want to come here for just a headache. My friend forced me to", replied Avinash.

"Your friend is right. You should always keep your health in check. Every little thing matters. Do you get enough sleep?" said Deepak. "I try to," said Avinash. "Are you a heavy drinker?" asked Deepak. "I'm afraid I am," Avinash replied. "Alcohol is very damaging to health. Cut down on your drinking," said Deepak and scribbled down something on a notepad. He tor the page and gave it to Avinash. "Here, take this medicine before sleeping for a week and you shall be fine. If you still get headaches, pay me another visit," said Deepak, smiling. "Thank you, doctor," Avinash said.

A few weeks had passed. Deepak had almost forgotten about Avinash when he met Avinash again, at a party, hosted by one of his friends. He spotted Avinash at the bar counter and asked his friends to excuse him for a moment. "I told you to cut down on alcohol," he said sitting beside Avinash at the counter. The bar attendant offered him a shot. "I don't drink," Deepak said in a friendly way.

Avinash looked up. From the look on his face, Deepak could tell that he had had too much to drink. "You're doctor, I mean, Dr Deepak, right?" Avinash said slowly trying to pronounce each word correctly. "So what brings you here?" asked Deepak. "Why don't we talk about that later? I'm in no mood for socialising now," said Avinash. Deepak did find Avinash's behaviour rude but he couldn't blame him since he was drunk. So, he just went back to his friends.

After an hour or so, Deepak went to the parking lot to get his car. It was only 10:30 pm but Deepak didn't like to stay at parties for much longer. He didn't like crowds and he also wanted to get home early since he had to call back some of his patients who wanted his appointment. As he was taking out the car keys from his pocket, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see Avinash. "Do you want a cigarette?" Avinash asked. "I don't smoke," replied Deepak. "You're such a bore, doctor. Look at the moon. It's beautiful, isn't it?" Avinash said. "You've had too much to drink. You need to go home. I can drive you home if you tell me the address," said Deepak. "That'd be nice," said Avinash, still looking at the moon.

When Deepak started driving the car he looked at Avinash lying on the back seat and found him sleeping. After several tries to wake him up he failed and decided to take him to his house instead. He knew it would be inappropriate but he had no choice. 

When they reached their destination, Deepak had to support Avinash on his shoulders to bring him to the living room. He made Avinash coffee which made the drunkenness go away to some extent. When Deepak turned to leave, he felt a hand gripping his arm. "Don't go yet," said Avinash. Deepak sat down beside him. A soft light made the room look like it was drenched in moonlight.

"Why do people leave us?" Avinash said in a dreamily, " and if they leave us why do they come in our life in the first place? It's just a lot of pain and that too for nothing." "What happened?" asked Deepak. "We were together for eight years, ever since we were in college but she left me, today," sighed Avinash, "I did everything I could, but I guess, it just wasn't enough." Deepak could see the pain burning in Avinash's eyes- he was lonely, just like him. "She broke up with me at the party. She thought I was having an affair with someone else. How could she think that? I just..." Avinash got lost in thoughts.

Deepak felt sorry for him. After a few minutes, Avinash spoke again, "I'm sorry, I'm just rambling on about myself. Tell me something about you and to be fair, something about your love life since I spilled much of my love life to you."I've never fallen in love," Deepak said. "So you've never been in a relationship?" Avinash asked, surprised. "It's complicated," Deepak said in a low voice. "Don't you ever like anyone?" asked Avinash. "I do," Deepak said," in fact, I like someone very much." "Who's the lucky girl?" asked Avinash. Something about Avinash told Deepak that he would understand him. "It's a guy," he said. He was right. After a few seconds of silence, Avinash said, " who's the lucky guy then?" "You," whispered Deepak.

No one spoke. The darkness in the room seemed to grow darker as Deepak waited for Avinash's reply.

Avinash took his hand, "I'm flattered but," he said. Deepak did not let him finish, "but you don't like me, right? Even when I truly like someone, I end up alone, always. Because I'm different." "That's not true," said Avinash. "What?" Deepak snapped. He was angry at himself forever believing that Avinash could like him back. He felt very stupid. "You will not end up alone," Avinash said earnestly. "How are you so sure?" Deepak asked. "I know it," Avinash replied. "Can you prove it?" asked Deepak.

Silence fell again but it did not last long. Avinash lifted up Deepak's chin. He looked in his eyes for a few seconds. The brown eyes were looking inside Deepak's soul. Deepak could smell Avinash's perfume. It was strong and masculine. Maddened with desire, he kissed Avinash - softly at first but the kiss soon turned very passionate.

Next morning, when Deepak woke up, he found himself in his bed. His hair was messy and his shirt was unbuttoned. It took him a few seconds to realise that last night wasn't a dream. He remembered Avinash's hand brushing his hair, his soft lips on him and most importantly, his eyes- bold and fierce. Those eyes had broken his resistance, they had freed him. Deepak got up and dressed. He looked for Avinash. He found a note on the table beside the couch in the living room.

"Sorry," it said. Deepak felt terrible. He called up his friend who had hosted the party to ask for Avinash's number. As soon as he got it, he dialled it on his cellphone. "Hello," Avinash said in his usual casual tone. "Hello," said Deepak. Avinash recognised him, "Why did you call me?" he asked calmly. "Why did you leave? Are you okay?" Deepak asked. "Look, I'm sorry but I was not in my right mind. I, I was drunk and" said Avinash. Deepak interrupted him, " It's okay," he said and hung up immediately. He couldn't take it anymore. This man he had met just a few weeks ago had turned his world upside down. He felt like he had been used and that his emotions had no value outside his heart. But somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew this was coming. Avinash called him several times but Deepak rejected all of them.

A week later, Avinash came to Deepak's chamber. "May I come in?" he said almost sarcastically. "What do you want?" Deepak asked ignoring the sharp pain he felt in his heart when he heard his voice. "Forgiveness. Can we talk, doctor?" Avinash asked, smiling. "Sit down," Deepak said pointing to a chair opposite to him. "I'm sorry, Deepak," Avinash said. "About what?" Deepak said bluntly.

"About being a jerk when you called," replied Avinash. "Anything else?" Deepak asked raising his eyebrows, "I've got patients waiting." It hurt him to be rude to Avinash but he would not allow his feelings to be played with, he would not be used again. "I was wrong," said Avinash, "I know, I was drunk. But I remember everything vividly and I can't stop thinking about you." Deepak didn't know what to say. "Are you saying you like me?" he asked, his voice softened. "Are you free tomorrow night?" Avinash asked, "I think we should go somewhere together." "Is it a date?" Deepak asked jokingly. "Maybe," Avinash said.

The following night Avinash took him to a restaurant. They had just finished having dinner when the band started playing a romantic song. Some of the couples went to the dance floor. People clapped for them. "Let's dance," Avinash said and almost pulled Deepak out on the dance floor. Everyone was staring at them. Deepak could feel their disapproval stinging him as he followed Avinash's lead. He had felt this way all his life like he was a weird outcast. As the song was about to end Avinash pulled Deepak closer, " I love you," he said in Deepak's ears.

Deepak felt that everyone was disappearing and so were their sneers. What remained was only Avinash and Deepak, himself. And that's what that mattered to him, he realised. "I love you too," he whispered, letting go of all the feelings of insecurity, self-criticism and self-hatred.

Deepak felt that everyone was disappearing and so were their sneers. What remained was only Avinash and Deepak, himself. And that's what that mattered to him, he realised. "I love you too," he whispered, letting go of all the feelings of insecurity, self-criticism and self-hatred.

He was truly free.