Forever Yours93 mins 41 93 mins 41
When it all started
I was 16 years old, round shaped face full of scars and pimples, short height and obese, when I met him at the new school building where a new bunch of high school kids got merged up with our class and I was one of them. We were the new students of our class who got admission after the ICSE examination. I, being an introvert and a typical girl, used to apply a lot of oil on my hair before bathing. That first day, washed hair, wet then, drenched my new school uniform and I felt wet. When I reached school, I enquired and reached my classroom. The entire girl’s row was full and no seat was left for me. I had to sit in the boy’s row but later I got a seat and changed it.
Sagar was sitting in the last bench of the boy’s row, wearing a formal pant and a white shirt, which was not our school uniform, hair neatly combed and a perfect figure. His face was oval with a few pimples perfectly placed on his cheeks as if he was born with them, he had eyes as open and honest as any child, and a warmth and safety. He had a thin pair of lips perfectly shaped, soft and pinkish. No one could doubt that he smoked cigarettes with his old school friends at the terrace of their house. He hardly had facial hair. Let alone a full grown beard and so his friends used to make fun of him and used to tag him in multiple memes.
After he introduced himself in front of the entire class, the teacher asked, “Where is your school uniform?”. “Ma’am, I haven’t got my school uniform yet. The tailor will give it on Wednesday.” he replied politely. The teacher was rude, even after getting a proper explanation, she scolded him and told him to sit. He listened and sat as he was instructed to do. Such a genuine boy was he. There were many handsome boys in our class but I found the real man in him. I was touched by his simplicity. He was so shy that he hardly talked with any girl in our class. Maybe he was an introvert like me.
After the introductory round, the class teacher left and we were left alone for sometime before the next subject teacher arrived. In between, I made new friends and exchanged numbers with Sumita, Suparna and two others. I looked at him. He was trying to make himself comfortable and make new friends just like I
was doing. He was discussing his stuffs with them. He reminded me of my first crush in my old school whom I left behind and joined another school. Both of their names were similar but they were so much different from each other. I kept staring at him for some time and then the English teacher arrived and I concentrated on my subject.
The high school phase was the best phase of my life. Studying in a school for 13 years didn’t give me that warmth and comfort and a bunch of lovely friends and so much of memories which I got from those two years of my high school. I inculcated so many new good habits. I transformed myself a bit. I was so much into all these stuffs that I started discussing about people and then there were some misunderstandings created.
While I was falling in love with Sagar’s intelligence, his gentleman qualities, his respectful behaviour and most importantly his smile. My friends thought I was crushing on Rian. The entire class used to taunt me and Rian. More than me they used to taunt Rian and he used to feel irritated and frustrated. I was only concerned about my image in front of Sagar. I was so introvert and he was always surrounded by his friends that I never got any opportunity to interact with him and make him my friend. I used to think maybe he also thinks that I like Rian. Luckily the matter got sorted when one of my close friends, Sara went into a relationship with him and everything was cleared out.
He never noticed me, I was not a beauty to admire, an attractive person to notice, he was always busy with his friends practicing mathematics, discussing important topics from physics and chemistry. But I noticed him every day, the way he used to comb his fancy hair, the way he used to pin up his Blue House and School Logo in his tie, the way he used to tuck in his shirt. Sometimes he used to untuck his house t-shirt because of its short length and his white inner used to peep out from his blue t-shirt. He was such a carefree person. Not a playboy who would play with other’s emotions. I somewhere found my reflection in him although I never talked with him until the final year’s summer vacation and I was totally a different personality, our upbringing was different, our lifestyle was different. I thought maybe I got the prince charming of my life.
Beginning of Daydreams
The annual function preparation was going to take place in our school. I was not participating but my friends were participating in various cultural activities. Our Bengali teacher, Mrs. Sneha Roy, was coordinating in a skit play based on the life of Swami Vivekananda. She was searching for someone who looks calm, has a pleasant smile on his face and has a voice that would attract mass yet not so loud and heavy. After auditioning many, she was not satisfied.
One day, she was teaching us a story written by Rabindranath Tagore. It was the last class before lunch break and I was waiting eagerly for the school bell to ring. She completed the chapter early enough and was discussing other stuffs. All of a sudden she turned towards her left and asked Sagar to stand. He was confused. He stood up and mam gave him the proposal of playing the role of Swami Vivekananda. Everyone was wondering why mam gave him that opportunity. It was a golden opportunity for him to become famous and earn appreciation from the teachers and the students but he denied. He refused to participate. He said he has stage fright and is shy enough not to play the role of such renowned personality. The teacher was not angry. She smiled and didn’t force him much. Later she selected a junior from middle school.
To me, the definition of a boy was something different. I always saw boys making fun of others, bullying the weak people, disrespecting the teachers and always so oversmart. But my perception totally changed when I saw him, when I noticed him.
I along with my another friend Saheb, used to travel together while coming back from school and Sagar’s and ours route was same. We mostly took the same bus. Every single day after boarding the local bus, my eyes used to search for him. Whenever I saw him inside the bus, I became happy. We never talked. Neither he made any initiative to talk with me nor did I. He always used to occupy the last seat of the bus along with his friends and board off from the last exit door. I used to follow them until we reached school. When the school hours ended, Saheb and I used to come back home together in the same local bus in which he and his
friends used to travel. I used to search him on facebook to send him friend request but his profile was invisible. Life became so exciting for me. I was literary stalking that boy and he was not aware of it.
Our exams got started and I was so much into making new friends, adjusting myself with the new surroundings, using social media with my new smart phone that I couldn’t prepare well. It was the physics exam and I was taking out my stuff from my bag outside the examination hall. Our seats were fixed and Sagar was sitting in the first bench and all of a sudden he said, ’Fuck!!!!’, after reading the question paper. I was so shocked to hear him use a cuss word. I realized I was thinking him to be way too simple but it was normal because cuss words are used by almost everyone nowadays. Even I started using them after few days of joining my high school.
After two weeks, our results were declared. I was so happy when I heard that Sagar scored highest in mathematics. Eighty six marks out of hundred was a very good score and everyone congratulated him. I also wanted to congratulate him but I couldn’t gain enough courage to go to him and do that.
Days went on like this and we stepped into the final year of our school life. We were allotted a new spacey classroom just in front of the assembly hall which had a lot of windows. I had already got so many friends by then. I checked his school diary once when all our diaries were collected and the teacher told me to distribute them. I wanted to know his birth date and I got to know it from his. During lunch breaks, some boys of our class used to come and eat the tiffin that I, Sara and Swastika used to bring and we used to fight for that little food. Sagar had a small friend circle and they had their lunch together chatting over some trending topics or some topics from our subjects. We had total six subjects in our high school out of which the fourth subject was optional for which we had to choose any one subject out of Biology, Economics and Computers. My fourth subject was Economics and his fourth subject was Biology. I used to go to the commerce section to attend the economics class. I managed to get some new friends there as well. The first person with whom I interacted was Oishi, a beautiful girl with a very warm and friendly behaviour unlike me. She had that
ability to interact with any people very easily. In our very first meeting she complimented on my facebook profile picture, listening to which her best friend Debika looked at her shockingly. Straight on my face, she asked her, “From which angle did you find her beautiful?”. Listening to which Oishi replied, “I am complimenting her profile picture not her”. I felt very bad that day. Till now after so many years I cannot forget how they commented on my looks and made me realize that I am not beautiful. Later both of them became friends with Sagar and were the members of his small group of friends.
It never bothered me in any way. I was so much in love but I knew it very clearly from the very beginning that he will never be mine. He will reject me. I don’t have the so called qualities of becoming someone’s girlfriend. Like any other boy he also had a choice and a standard to maintain. But still, I couldn’t stop myself from fantasizing about him. He was holding my hands and we were walking between the woods discussing about our future. After a long walk, we got tired and sat on the grass. He kept his head on my lap and I gently brushed his fancy hair with my little soft hands and he looked at me with his eyes full of love and affection. Right in front of us, a lake was located and the gentle stream of water flowing. The atmosphere was very pleasant. No one was around us. Suddenly the atmosphere changed and the thunderstorms started blowing and I got afraid. My heartbeat started running fast and he, sensing my horrible condition hugged me and I kept my cheeks on his chest. I felt secure and I became normal. I looked into his eyes, we saw each other for few seconds, our hearts got synchronized and we kissed each other. My lips touched his soft pinkish lips, he grabbed my waist, pulled me towards him, both of our eyes closed and we felt each other. We unlocked our lips, he touched my cheeks with his hands and expressed his love for me and I was in tears. I was about to express my love for him when I heard my brother shouting at me and punching me gently to follow my mom’s instruction and wake me up. I woke up and sat on my bed. Still couldn’t believe that I was dreaming. A wide smile appeared on my face and I couldn’t stop blushing until I realized that my brother was looking at me weirdly and confused. He thought I had got mad and so did I. I didn’t realize that I was so much in love that I was dreaming not only with my eyes open but also in my sleep.
Jealous? No, in Love!
The day I saw him with Adira, I was in pain. I felt I was the most worthless girl in the world. I could have built a friendship with him, I could have made him a true friend of mine, I could have interacted with him normally looking at his eyes but I never did so. It was my love at first sight and I never gathered enough courage to express it to him. Adira was the best friend of one of his friend’s girlfriend in our school and she was from the commerce section. Being a member of his little friend circle both of them came close to each other and partially because his friends always wanted them to be together and always taunted them, they went into a relationship. Sagar was so much in love with her that he used to go to her classroom every single day during lunch break and sit by her side chatting with her, expressing his feeling and concern for her. Her classroom was just in front of the boy’s washroom and the wash basin area where the students washed their hands after having lunch. I used to visit that place every single day with an excuse to wash my hands and watch him from outside the classroom. It used to hurt me a lot but still I watched him smiling and chatting with her from far.
It was Thursday evening and I sat down on my double bed with scattered books and stationery items all around to complete my homework. My father was just sitting in front of me, on the chair, working on the computer to do some official work. I was not at all in a mood to study and was so much distracted after I got to know that Sagar was in a relationship with a girl from the commerce section. I still wanted to be a good friend to him. I kept my Physics book in front of me on my lap and placed my mobile in between the pages of the book hiding it so that my father wouldn’t notice me using the phone. I opened my facebook account and searched his name to send him a friend request but unfortunately, I couldn’t find him. Little did I knew that he had kept his account deactivated.
Later that night I was lying down on my bed listening to the radio which was tuned into 92.7 Big FM. There was a question-answer round that was conducted by the radio jockey where people asked him various questions related to love on Facebook on his official page by commenting on it and he would answer all of
their questions on air. I was listening very carefully to his words and his lovely voice and I couldn’t resist myself from posting a question. I searched his page, found his post and commented: “I have a very strong feeling for someone and I keep thinking about him all the time and feel very bad when I see him with his girlfriend. How will I know that this is love or just infatuation and if this is love how will I control my feelings because I really want to see him happy?” I didn’t expect him to read my question and answer it because there were thousands of comments but I was really lucky that night and to my utter surprise I heard him reading my question and answering it very wisely. He replied: “Love is not a temporary feeling or emotion. Emotions and feelings change, sometimes daily. But true unconditional love is everlasting dear. If its infatuation, then you will only like him for his good characteristics but if you are in love with him, you will accept his good as well as bad characteristics and will put all your efforts only to see him happy. When you are truly in love with someone, you don’t look for reasons, you see beyond reasons. In your case, you never interacted with your love interest but once you start interacting with him, you will get to know him better and will understand what kind of person he is. If you still feel for him after getting to know his positive as well as negative qualities then you are surely in love with that man and will never conspire to make him yours because true love means setting your love free and you will be happy to see him happy and enjoying his life.” Although I couldn’t get his points clearly, I felt so relaxed and calm after hearing his words.
While coming back home, we all used to travel via the same path, I and Saheb used to walk together and he along with his girlfriend used to walk together in front of us. He used to board off from the bus in our bus stop for attending his Bengali tuition which was near my house. He used to walk and I and Saheb used to take an auto. Some days he used to talk with Saheb while walking and I used to walk with them silently. He conversed with me once when I said him something good related to Adira and he was blushing. He used to look even more handsome when he blushed. He was a brisk walker just like my father. When I stopped the auto and got out of it, I saw him walking on the opposite side of the road. We exchanged a look and gave a broad smile to each other and I went back home blushing. Once, we were coming back home after taking our Bengali exam. We
were waiting for the bus to stop at our bus stop and approached towards the door. He and Adira were sitting at the left side of the bus in the front row. He called Saheb and asked him how his exam was. I didn’t bother to look at them. He specially asked Saheb to call me and after I looked at him he asked me the same question and I replied positively.
One day Adira was absent and Saheb was absent as well. It was the time when our ISC exams were approaching and we had to fill up the forms of West Bengal University of Technology and JEE mains. For that we needed to fill up a special format and I was confused with it. After our classes got over, we were walking, he noticed me and was waiting for me. We exchanged a smile and started walking together discussing about our preparations, about our subjects and all. Throughout the conversation, I didn’t look at him and my heartbeats were running way too fast. I tried acting normal. Then after boarding the bus he sat far in another seat and I sat in the ladies section. I wished I had that much courtesy to look at him, to sit by his side while discussing stuffs. I was so much focused in the conversation we had that I missed my bus stop. Only after he realized and made me aware of it, I hurried and boarded off the bus in the middle of heavy traffic. The conductor was looking at me weirdly. I was laughing at myself and hit my forehead softly. I noticed this crazy side of mine for the first time. I was extremely happy. I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept thinking of that particular incident and smiled. Two years of my lovely student life got ended so fast that I couldn’t even realize that I have no way to contact Sagar after our school days. Neither did I have his number nor was he my friend on any social media. I was sad, I had to depart from him, no longer could I follow him, or watch him for hours in between important lectures. After our exams got over, we got busy in our life and I saw him for the last time, with his girlfriend standing in a queue to receive the character certificate in the administration office.
The Treatment Trouble
My phone buzzed, a notification of a new facebook friend request was received. I was busy having dinner with my new roommates in my hostel. I had taken admission in a private engineering college in Haryana and went there to study. Leaving my house in West Bengal, my parents, my brother and my amazing city, Kolkata behind. It was the second week of September, a pleasant atmosphere all around. I was missing my home very badly and was trying my level best mixing myself with the different people, their different cultures and their diverse behaviour and approach towards life. After finishing my dinner, I took the phone from the study table and checked the new notification. After seeing the notification I was so happy, my heartbeat once again ran fast and I sat down on the bed after pressing the confirm button. I was the first one to initiate and asked him his WhatsApp number. I was happier than ever when he gave me his number.
After shifting to a hostel and watching girls doing makeup and extreme level of skincare, I started changing myself. I never did makeup before, applied only kajal on the waterline of my eyes and used face powder, that too on some occasions depending on my mood. I learnt how to do makeup, how to dress up and take care of my skin and hair. I tried multiple shampoos and various beauty products suggested by my roommates.
One of my roommates, Ayusi, became a very good friend of mine. I learnt many things from her and one of the things that I learnt was how to gather sympathy. Throughout my life I never asked anyone to sympathize with me but after seeing her emotionally fooling her boyfriend and gathering sympathy, I thought maybe it is the way to win someone’s heart. So after I heard that Sagar had a very bad breakup, I wanted to become his support and get some affection from him. To get that I started telling him my stories about my past experiences and how I was bullied and my depressions etc. He used to reply me very nicely but soon I started irritating him and he started avoiding me. I was wrong. Later when I read those messages, I realized I did a huge blunder. After some days, he understood that I felt for him. He texted me and asked, “Do you love me?” to which I said, “Maybe,
I don’t know”. The other day I sent him a message expressing my love for him and I messed up everything. He started avoiding me. He was not a man to gain sympathy from. We never talked with each other over phone calls and he replied only when I texted him.
It was his birthday. He had kept his birthday private on facebook but I knew it since high school. So I wished him when the clock hit sharp twelve o’clock. He replied me nicely as usual. He hadn’t expected me knowing his birth date.
He had become my habit by then. Every single day I used to text him "hello" and I used to get a reply always. I started sharing each and every incident of my life with him but he never did anything that made me even think that he felt for me. He could have played with my emotions but like a true gentleman, he handled my situation very nicely.
I used to stalk him on facebook and used to go through his newsfeed, his pictures and the crazy comments his friends used to post under them. I never thought of commenting on his pictures but I liked every single picture of him be it with his friends or solo. I used to save all his pictures. I even maintained a special folder in my photo gallery that contained only his pictures. Maybe it was because of these pictures that I loved him without even seeing him for so many years. I just prayed to God and wished to see him at least once in real, in front of me but never saw him, neither coincidentally nor with any planning. His friend circle was different from my friend circle and he was not comfortable to meet my friends. He was a very good friend of Suparna and Sara, my two friends. Suparna even invited him once to her house and he went, chatted with her, clicked pictures and even posted it on facebook. Sara was among his college mates. Both of them studied engineering but their departments were different. He was from the mechanical department and Sara was from computer science department. But I didn’t tell them that I loved Sagar. Maybe they would have created an opportunity for me to meet him but the fact is that I was scared. I never gained enough courage. His house was near me. It was hardly twenty minutes walking distance from my house. I could have easily met him if he wanted to meet me and had I gained some more courage to meet him. But then my superb quality of hiding my
emotions in front of people I love and a resolution to my own self to lose some extra calories, become someone of his choice and then the second thought that why should I change and maybe he will like me for the person I am and not my external appearance, restricted me to meet him. Later, after so many years when I was matured enough and was out of my fairyland, I realized that appearance plays a very important role in a girl’s life and the normal man does not have the guts to accept a woman whom the society has tagged as an ugly and fat woman. Only because the society which includes their relatives, their group of friends, will doubt their choice and would talk behind their back making weird faces. It is so funny. In our society no boys are judged on their looks if they have a good job and enough money to feed a woman. Every boy gets married without having any difficulty but a girl is judged from every aspect, be it her beauty or character. A girl’s pure soul, her intelligence, her character, her strength to deal with bad situations, her independent approach towards life, her education and her smartness, everything is blurified, everything is of total waste if she doesn’t have a beautiful face to admire. People will sympathize you, will judge you for saying such negative words that too for your own self but at the end of the day it becomes the harsh reality of your life.
My parents were always concerned about me, they always thought about how will they marry me off, who will accept me just like typical parents think. They tried every possible way to make me independent. They consulted many skin specialists. I had to go through multiple treatments. Injections were injected on my face, over the scars that I had on my face. It is known as Hemangioma, a skin disease, in which the blood vessels that are normally situated under the skin was above my facial skin. It was spread when I was only 22 days old and I didn’t have a normal delivery. The house staffs and nurses delivered me at midnight without a doctor. My mother had to go through extreme level of pain and her nerves were affected and she still suffers from pain in her body sometimes because of that past injury. My left eye was closed and red scars covered my face entirely leaving some portion of the right cheek. I don’t remember very well but I remember some fragments where my mother used to take me to the hospital and the doctor used to motivate me. He used to say, “Never hold yourself, set yourself free, live
your life, don’t bother about anyone, whatever they say, you are special my child, you are the best creation of God. If you want to break a glass, don’t be afraid of the consequences, break it. If you want to dance, dance without any second thought. You are the best and you will make your parents feel proud of you someday”. My relatives used to doubt my mother, they used to say maybe my mom committed any sin and because of that I had to suffer. I used to cry silently when I would see my mother listening to all their taunts without even uttering a word.
I had gone through a minor operation on my face and my mom left my little brother, six years younger than me behind and stayed with me in the hospital to take care of me. My brother suffered a lot because of me. But still he never complained because he saw me suffering. When I was in fifth standard, my parents took me to Vellore to get a permanent solution. From there we went to Coimbatore for treatment and the doctor had only one solution. He injected injections in my face six to seven times in those particular areas where the scars were dense . Four nurses were needed to hold my legs and hands. I couldn’t even shout because he used to inject right above my lips and in other parts. My lips used to tremble and my throat used to produce a terrible sound when the medicine was pushed into my skin and tears used to come out of my eyes. I went through a pain which I don’t want anyone to feel in their life. Every year my father took me, sometimes the whole family including my brother and my mom used to accompany me and four of us used to stay in the hospital’s cabin where I was kept in. I used to come back home with a terrible face. The medicine used to do its task and my face used to bulge out as if bright red tomatoes were planted on my face.
Gradually after some days it disappeared and my face got back to its normal shape with some less scars visible. I never bothered how I looked. I used to attend my classes with that horrible face and people used to stare at me even more. I was habituated with it. I answered a very common question of how I got all these scars on my face and whether my face was burnt or not, throughout my life, almost a thousand times, maybe even more. I became so frustrated at the later stages of my life that I just waited for someone to ask me. Once someone asked me this question I used to start from the very beginning describing the minutest
of details and how I was treated and what my doctors said. I used to explain so much that the questioner used to get bored and later used to regret thinking why he or she asked me. Whenever I visited my grandparent’s house in my village, the small children used to look at me and laugh straight on my face. They even used to comment and whisper to each other. I was not bold enough then and used to excuse myself and hide my face somewhere instead of staring at them and looking at them straight into their eyes.
The last time I went to Coimbatore was when I was in high school and just started liking Sagar. Doctors detected that there must be some portion of this disease in my brain as well which could prove very dangerous for my life. I could even lose my memory and it may also cause death. My parents didn’t have a second thought. They agreed to whatever the doctors said. I was injected first by my skin doctor and then I was send to a neurosurgeon. First they did an MRI. I laid down in a bed and closed my eyes, my heart was beating fast. They pressed a button and the bed automatically pushed back and the upper portion of my body was inside a cylindrical machine, white in colour. There was silence all around. I could only hear my heartbeat. Suddenly some noise entered into my ears produced by the machine. It seemed as if I was travelling in a time machine in a future where the robots would dominate the world like I watched in Doraemon while having lunch with my brother after coming back from school.
I couldn’t figure out for how much time I was inside it but after the tests were done, they again sent me back to my cabin. After sometimes, they came and informed that they found something very serious and to confirm it, they need to do another test. It was angiogram and for that I needed to stay for some more days in the hospital. My father agreed to it. I was shifted to another cabin and my diet plan was changed. After injections, I was not allowed to have solid food for at least three days and that was well maintained every time I went there. After three days, they did a whole body medical checkup and then I was given solid food to eat, they made me eat a lot.
The next day, the anaesthetist came, gave an injection so that I would lose all my senses. Then I was taken into the test room. I was very scared. All I wanted that time was my mom and Sagar. My mom was at home and motivated me over the phone but I also wanted Sagar to be there by my side when I needed him the most. I imagined him sitting in a chair beside my hospital bed, holding my hands. We were looking into each other’s eyes, he motivated me and said that he will be there by my side forever and will not allow any pain to touch me. His eyes which were full of expressions, were enough to calm me down. I had a phone but I didn’t had his number or else maybe, I could have called him.
When I was taken into the test room, they undressed me and made me wear a dress that was worn by patients when they were taken into the operation theatre. The actual room was very cold with lots of air conditioners, all of which were on. I asked them to adjust the temperature because I was feeling cold. When they switched on the screen, I was very afraid. I pleaded them to start testing me only after I become unconscious. They agreed and assured me to take care of me after I sleep. After I went asleep, I didn’t know anything of what they did.
I woke up in an ICU, the left thigh was plastered and bandaged. I couldn’t lift the lower portion of my body. Saline was channeled into my body through a narrow plastic tube that had one end attached with the saline bag and the other fit at the backside of my left palm with some white surgical tape. I didn’t have my phone with me, neither was my father allowed to stay with me. I was in ICU for the next 2 days and the nurses took care of me. After two days, doctors came along with my father and they said I was out of danger. Although they feared that there may be some trouble later. After they unbandaged me and removed the plasters, the entire thigh area turned greenish blue. Neither could I touch that part nor could I walk properly. The doctors asked me to stay in the hospital but I had school to attend and was missing my classes so came back home. I reached home at six o’clock in the morning and decided to go to school that very day.
My parents asked me to stay back and take rest but I hadn’t seen Sagar for so many days, I wanted to see him. So, I masked my face to avoid pollution affect the injured area, applied some ointment in the thigh area and asked my father to drop me school. My father never disagreed with my decisions. After one and a
half months I saw him. I watched him entering the classroom, sitting beside his friends and taking the lectures sincerely. I can’t express how I felt at that time. I just wanted to hug him and then fight with him for not being there by my side when I needed him, for not holding my hands and motivating me when I was in pain, for not touching the injured areas with his long perfectly shaped fingers to reduce the pain and sufferings I was into. Whenever a teacher asked me anything, I used to open my mask and show them my condition, he noticed that and maybe he felt very bad or maybe he didn’t bothered to notice. I don’t know.
My First Sketch
It was my twentieth birthday and I was celebrating it with my roommates at twelve o’clock at night. They gave me a big surprise and I was so happy. I received many messages from my classmates and old school friends and among them was Sagar. He wished me “Happy Birthday!!!” with lots of emojis and I was so happy. I didn’t expect it from him. He checked the notification from his facebook account and texted me. I had not heard his voice for long and thus requested him to send a voice message wishing me happy birthday. He said he can't because he was sleeping beside his mother and said he will send it to me, although he didn’t assure me of it. He is a kind of person who never wanted anyone to get hurt by his behaviour or to expect things from him. I waited the whole day but didn’t receive any message from him. I realized I had started expecting things from him and maybe it will hurt me. After coming back home from college I texted him and he then sent his voice message. The message was of total eight seconds in which he said in his soft voice, “Happy birthday, many many happy returns of the day, enjoy.” I replayed it the whole night until sleep came to my eyes and I slept. It was my constant support whenever I felt low or whenever I wanted to see him but I couldn’t , whenever something bad happened with me and I wanted to call him and say everything to him, whenever I wished I could have hugged him and loosened myself in his arms, to feel safe. Him saying that no one can ever hurt me, then gently brushing his palm into my tangled short hair and taking all my negative emotions away and freeing me from all my pain, stress, insults and humiliations that I received every day.
Just after eight days of my birthday was his birthday and I was super excited. I made a collage using a photo editor containing his cutest pictures and one of his Facebook stories which I found quite adorable. I was waiting eagerly for the clock to strike twelve. It was a long busy day for me, I was very tired and had fallen asleep. At one o’clock in the midnight, a senior came into our room and woke us up, informing that our second semester results were out. I was very afraid. I asked her to check my result as well along with my roommates and she did. She informed that I had passed the examination with flying colours. I was very happy
and then realized that I had not wished him yet. I opened the WhatsApp app and checked whether he was online or not. He was not. I texted him “Happy Birthday!!” and sent him the picture which I made after editing. After a few minutes, he checked my messages and thanked me and said it meant to him a lot. I blushed and told him about my results for which he congratulated me. I kept my phone beside my pillow, put off my glass, closed my eyes and went to the land of sleep with a pleasant broad smile on my face.
It was the mid of October and most of the hostlers had gone back home to celebrate Navratri, an Indian festival about Goddess Durga. Our college was on and we had to attend classes. Besides, our exams were knocking at the door, so I preferred to not go back home and study. It was for the first time in my life that I was out of station that too during Durga puja.
Durga Puja (or Navratri, for some) is the biggest festival that is celebrated gloriously in West Bengal. People start preparing themselves two to three months before the actual days. It is a five day affair. Magnificently created puja pandals are erected which are the major attraction. These puja pandals are unique in terms of their material, theme and shapes used to create them. It is truly a delight for the eyes to watch such magnificent pandals of Durga Puja and amazingly carved goddess idols. I remember, once, during Durga Puja, my parents went on a tour to Kashmir but I refused to go. How could I? I used to wait for these five days all through the year. I couldn’t miss it!
I felt nostalgic and asked one of my best friends, Samik, to send me pictures of the pandals, whenever he visited them, since I wasn’t going this time. He used to send me lots of pictures every day and I used to watch my city of joy, Kolkata and Durga Puja from far. My roommates went back home and I was alone. We had only a one day holiday and managed to visit a famous Durga temple, which was quite far from our place.
On the day of Dussehra, after having lunch, I sat in my room, on my bed, to practice mathematics. After a while, I was bored, I was all alone and no one was there to talk to. I wanted to talk to Sagar, but he wasn’t online. I never thought of calling him thinking he would feel bad. The notebook in which I was practicing
maths was long sized and a blank one. I opened the middle page, took my pencil and eraser, unlocked my phone and searched for a nice picture. I found out the most adorable photograph of Sagar that I had saved while checking out his picture gallery on facebook and started sketching him. I started noticing each and every part of his face, his round eyes, and his nose, his upper lip thinner than his lower lip, his perfectly shaped eyebrows and the head full of hair. I used to go for drawing class when I was a child but never realized that I could draw so well. I was astonished when I looked at that completed sketch. I clicked a picture of it and sent it to him. He replied weirdly asking me why I sketched him, after thanking me for drawing his sketch. I had nothing to say, I couldn’t say that I drew it because I loved him and I missed him so much and wanted to see him, to touch him and to feel him. Instead, I told him that I loved sketching and therefore, I sketched. I had to sketch a picture of Samik, my friend to assure him that it was not only him whom I sketched.
I still have that sketch of him. I often used to think that when I would meet him and his girlfriend, I would hand it over to him or to his beloved. Alas! I never got that opportunity, maybe this is what destiny desired.
During Diwali (the Indian festival of lights) holidays, my father came to take me back home. After 2 months, I went back home and I enjoyed a lot that year. After my first year at college, I had never come back home during Diwali and Bhai Duj, a special festival that is celebrated to strengthen the bond between brothers and sisters. I have a lovely brother, so this festival has always been very special for me but Durga Puja is the most important festival :P.
During those holidays I wanted to see him, to interact with him and confront him to share all my feelings that I had for him but he made some excuses and skipped the meeting. I felt very bad. It was not the only time I had asked him out. I used to see him posting pictures of hangouts with his friends and girlfriend, but whenever I asked him, he initially agreed out of courtesy but never turned up. Although initially I felt bad but then I grew matured enough to understand his point. He was extremely loyal to his girlfriend and friends. He had a standard to maintain, just
like every other boy he also wanted a presentable partner, which I wasn’t. Also he wanted me to get off these feelings which I had.
I used to think that I will not message him anymore, I would set him free, I will not bow down myself in front of him but at the end of the day I couldn’t resist myself and used to message him. He hardly would end the conversation. He was always available. Be it one hour, two hours or the whole day, he always replied me back but he never put on a new topic. I had to search for various topics to continue chatting with him. When I had nothing to chat, I used to wish him good night and end the conversation. Everything was from my side, not for a single minute, did he feel anything for me. I was frustrated but I continued discussing stuff with him, asking him about his day and all random stuff.
The Love Confession
I was alone in my small hostel room which had only one window to place the air cooler and a small door to enter and exit the room. Beside my room, the joint bathroom was located which was used by 5 girls of two rooms. I hated the infrastructure. It was so different from my state. Each and every house was attached with each other and there was no space. I was habituated to sleep in the afternoons while watching the sky but from this room, no sky was visible, sunlight never entered my room and the place used to smell damp and obnoxious in winters. Still I decided to stay in that room because I could adjust easily only one roommate than. Later I was accompanied by a junior from my department.
I stopped chatting with him during my exams and it never bothered him. After my exams got over, I started it again and he used to reply me adding an extra message asking me how I was. I used to feel great after getting that message. It was his courtesy but to me it was this little concern which I longed for. I got to know after few more chats that Adira had returned back to him and they were back in their relationship. I never felt jealous of her for having him but still felt very bad. I was in pain and decided not to disturb him anymore. I was always very moody and immature then. I decided to stop chatting with him, forget him and move on in my life and so I expressed all my feelings to him. I wrote long messages expressing my love for him and how I was in pain and would never disturb him and would move on. He felt very bad. He texted me “Sorry” way too many times. He replied, “If you ever felt that I am feeling for you or am giving you positive signs then I am extremely sorry. I never felt for you in that way and we will always remain friends”. I heard this sentence every single time whenever I expressed my affection in front of any man I was crushing on but his way of rejecting me was different. He never played with my emotions but still asked me to forgive him. Yes, I was in love with him but after that incident I loved him even more because he handled the entire situation so maturely. I didn’t feel bad after I got rejected by him, by the man I thought to be my prince charming. I knew it beforehand that I would be rejected but I never imagined that I will feel more after rejection. I always wanted to support him whenever he broke up with his
girlfriend and felt alone. His girlfriend broke up with him three times after which he decided to move on and felt for another girl from his friend circle.
The next day I got a message from him asking me whether I was alright or not. This was the very first time I got a message from his side. It was my turn to reply but I messed up. I replied rudely and he kind of freaked out. I always wanted to see his real expression but couldn’t. It was always text form of conversation. I tried controlling myself for some days but I failed. Losing all my ego and self respect, I again messaged him and he replied asking me not to make it weird anymore and that we would always remain friends. Although I tried being normal to him but I was broken. I went into a state of depression. I stopped talking much to people around me, I hardly texted him thinking about his girlfriend. I missed my classes and started listening to lots of sad songs. Surprisingly, tears never came from my eyes. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry a lot for not becoming the girl of his choice. I wanted to cry to loosen myself and to feel light but couldn’t. I was so far from him, approximately 1420 kilometers away, he never got to know in which emotional state I was into. While he was with his girlfriend going out for a date, spending quality time, I was in my room, holding his sketch that I drew, in my hand, looking at him for hours listening to sad songs.
I have the coolest mom and dad, but I couldn’t share it with them. My mom is my best friend, she always made me feel like I was her bestie and shared everything with me but I failed to share this particular incident with her. I always thought of his image. I didn’t want to make him a villain in front of my mom, one who broke her daughter’s heart like all other boys. I was concerned about her. Maybe she would think that it was her fault that her daughter has to suffer all her life and every man would reject her and she will be thrown away like a manufacturing defect of any good. She was always so concerned about my looks. She wanted me to get the laser treatment to hide all my scars permanently and have my lower lip properly shaped, but I always rejected her idea. I always thought I would do all those things with my own salary. I was not a normal girl. My parents, apart from my treatment made me study in a reputed English medium convent school, sent me far from my city, invested so much behind my graduation and the extra courses that I trained myself into, taught me in an institution to crack the
Graduate Aptitude Test and then they also had to make savings for my marriage. I was never interested in such things but they always were concerned like typical Indian parents and besides all these things, they made my happiness their priority. They never allowed me to travel in any shitty sleeper class compartments of the railways. I always travelled in Rajdhani express or by flight, which is not very affordable for most middle class families. They never stopped me whenever I asked them for their permission to go for a trip somewhere. I visited each and every corner of Delhi and even went to Madhya Pradesh and Bhiwadi with my roommates to visit. They had so much confidence in me that I would never do anything wrong, whatever be the situation. When after graduating, when I was looking for a job, I got into smoking and alcohol. I used to feel very good after having alcohol but then I controlled myself and stopped having them. I just wanted Sagar to stop me so one day after coming back home after having a few puffs of cigarette that a friend shared with me, I asked Sagar, “Do you think smoking and drinking are dangerous especially for women?”, to which he replied “I don’t think anything is too bad unless and until it’s done majorly and regularly, it’s not dangerous but smoking is bad keeping in mind that women are the ones to carry babies”. It was the most sensible answer that I could have got. He didn’t stop me but that reply was enough for me. I quit everything and after that day I didn’t touch any cigarettes or alcohol even though I was offered several times by my so-called friends.
I wanted to remain in that state but I realized that I cannot loosen myself like that. It was my college education that made my parents feel proud of me. I was always an average student in my school unlike my younger brother. My parents never expected anything from me. I felt very bad watching my father expecting so much from my brother. He was so much confident for him but he never thought in his wildest dreams that I would rank as a topper in my class. He always suggested me to pursue English Honours. Not only him, my school’s science teacher and tuition teacher, all told me that Science was not my cup of tea. I had to prove myself. I promised myself that I would take science in my high school and would become an engineer and prove them all wrong. After going far from my parents and taking engineering, I started scoring good, my father was amazed
when he got to know that I was ranking not only among top three in my class but also getting great university rankings as well. My parents felt that it was their best decision to send me far away from home to educate me. I didn’t want my depression to affect my studies and stop my parents feeling proud of me and expecting things from me.
I wanted a break and so my family planned a trip and we went to Himachal Pradesh for 10 days. My parents and my brother came to Delhi, we met at the New Delhi railway station at platform number sixteen just in front of the escalator that was located at the far end of the station. I was happy to see my family after two months. I needed them the most at that time. After we met, we booked an auto and went to my father’s office guest house that he booked to stay for a day. The guest house was situated in the M block of the Connaught Place just in front of the Haldiram’s food court. After we freshened ourselves up, had lunch and took a short afternoon nap, we went to Palika Bazaar for shopping. We couldn’t bargain enough and thus wasted so much money behind some low quality stuff that we bought and as there were no trial rooms available, the clothes that we bought were not of our body size. My father was exhausted and frustrated. I then managed to cool him down.
Next day, we boarded the Shatabdi express and went to Ambala junction. After boarding off the train, we booked a car to travel the whole state and then after a long journey we finally reached Shimla. That place was indeed awesome and after staying there for another 2 days, we went to Kullu and Manali and tripped the entire place. Finally, we went to Manikaran and was amazed to see the natural hot water lake that was flowing amidst the beautiful mountains. By the bank of the river there were temples of Lord Shiva and Parvati, whom the hindus worship and we bathed in the natural hot water pool, then worshipped and prayed to the deities. After doing the Parikrama(chanting the name of the God and taking rounds of the temple), I prayed to God to keep me calm and patient throughout my life and to not divert myself from my goals and also prayed for my family, friends and Sagar. I prayed to keep him healthy and to shower all their blessings on him and that he may get the best life partner he deserved because he was a gem and may he rise higher and reach the peak of success and yet stay grounded
like he was always. After we worshipped, we joined the langar (having food that is being cooked and was served to God as a blessing which is free of cost) in a Gurudwara just beside the temples. The food was amazing. We then washed our dishes and kept them in proper place, donated money in the name of God and went back to the parking area to finish off our journey and reach the hotel room. Later next day we went back to Delhi and I went back to hostel while my parents went back home. The trip was amazing. I was refreshed and started preparing for the semester exams from the very next day. It was a much needed trip.
This was the way I dealt with my depressions and heartbreaks throughout my life. Whenever I felt alone, bored, frustrated with my life, depressed or experienced heartbreak, I toured somewhere and if it was not possible, I shopped for myself. I started getting myself involved in the materialistic things or admired the beautiful creations of god. Because my parents love travelling and exploring new places, I think, that I inherited this from them. Since childhood, I explored new places with my family. Every summer holidays, my father planned a trip somewhere and we enjoyed a lot. Sometimes my cousins accompanied us and sometimes my father’s colleagues joined us and we had a gala time. Whenever I tripped, I used to forget my pain temporarily and felt relaxed. Like a fish cannot survive without water, I couldn’t have survived without these small trips that I had.
Sagar too loved to tour and explore new places. He was lucky enough to get such a lovely friend circle, friends who were always there with him and could go for trips with him. I also wanted my friends to go with me for a trip but they always made excuses of their parents that they would not be allowed. Anyway I saw him tripping various places I already visited be it Darjeeling or Puri or Andaman and Nicobar islands.
The only place where I never tripped was Arunachal Pradesh. That place is beautiful. I saved all his story updates from WhatsApp and wondered when would I go to that place. I needed another fourteen years to complete whole India tour. We had this thing in common. This interest of travelling.
When we were in college, he went to Puri with his childhood friends and I wished him to have a safe and happy journey. I always imagined that I would go to
Maldives for my honeymoon with whomever I would marry and sometimes I wished Sagar to be that guy. I would be the happiest person on earth if I would have married him, I always imagined. I loved him to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and ever.
Health and My Tech Love
After the end of every semester the examinations were held by the university and after the end of examinations we were given holidays. After every odd semester, we were given twenty days holidays and after every even semesters, admission processes were held for new students and so we were given a long holiday of two months and we used to go back home to spend some quality time with our families.
After the second semester got over, I went back home and wasted the entire 2 months sitting idle and watching stupid stuffs on television. My friends were busy attending college and tuitions and so I was bored and missed my college, and the lectures that I attended less and slept in the classroom in front of the teachers more. Sleeping in front of a teacher, in between the lectures was the most amazing and courageous thing that I did in my college life.
I had cyst in my uterus and so from very beginning, I had irregular periods, also because of the steroids that I had in my body which were given to cure my skin disease, affected my body and I had to take lots of medicines to cure my irregular and abnormal periods that I had throughout my teenage and starting years of adulthood. Those medicines were very powerful and intoxicated me. I used to feel sleepy every now and then. However interesting be the subject or the teacher, I used to fall asleep sitting on the front bench right in front of my teachers and they said nothing because I was a good student and ranked in my class and they had confidence in me that I would do it otherwise. I was not bold enough then to discuss my personal problems with anyone. But Sagar, being a biology student understood me. Once I was on my period for one whole month, I lost 2 kilograms and I had severe back pain. I couldn’t walk, attend classes properly, neither could I sleep well.
One day while we were chatting, I told him I was sick. He asked me what happened and I told him that I was on my period. I couldn’t sleep properly and that my roommate was out of town and hence I had no one to bring me food from the mess that was downstairs. I couldn’t even walk because my legs were
trembling and I couldn’t get up from bed as well. After getting my message, he was so concerned. He asked me to request someone to bring me food and that I shouldn’t starve myself. I was far away from home and I should take care of myself and shouldn’t ignore my health. I was amazed to get all his messages showing so much of concern for me. I started respecting him a lot. I couldn’t think of anyone else to be my life partner but him. He never uttered any cheesy lines to win my heart like most boys do. It was normal for him, he was brought up like that, maybe he showed this kind of concern to everyone but to me that was that little thing which I wanted from him and I got without asking.
He always showed his thorough concern for me every time he learnt that I was injured or I was in my periods. Once I cut the edge of my thumb while cutting tomatoes and the blood was not stopping to come out. I was bleeding like hell and I had no first aid box except an ointment and some cotton. So after cleaning that area and applying some ointment I covered the area with some cotton and one of my friends, Purvi, who was from ECE department, adjusted the cotton with a black tape used for joining electrical wires. She was crazy but the care that she showed was something I normally didn’t expect from people. That was a sweet gesture and I found it so funny that I clicked the picture of my thumb wrapped up with a black tape and wrote “When Purvi puts on her extra brain to wrap an injured thumb with black tape” with lots of emojis and posted it as my WhatsApp status. After few minutes Sagar had seen my status and replied, “what happened?”, to which I replied, “I was cutting tomatoes and by mistake my thumb got injured by the knife”. He read and again replied, “Did you apply any medicine before bandaging? And black tape does not have any antiseptic in it.”, my thumb was still paining but I was smiling after reading his messages. I replied him that I didn’t have any bandage so Purvi just put it temporarily before we get one from our warden. He said that it won't help and that would be fatal if I keep it for long and after I assured him that I will open it and will get a bandage to stop blood he said “Yes get one”. He didn’t force me but was concerned for me and just suggested me to do what is right for me and that was enough to melt my heart. I loved him from my heart and soul for the person who he was and I never regretted this in my entire life. Everyone in my college knew about him. He knew
nobody neither did he knew that everyone knows him but my friends knew him very well. They knew how much I loved him. I used to set my wallpaper, the locked screen of my mobile with his picture. The wallpaper of my WhatsApp chat was also set with his picture, even my laptop screen’s wallpaper had his picture that I had downloaded without taking his permission.
As a computer science engineer, I had to learn new languages to upgrade myself and to get a better job and so I learnt many like C, C , Java, Python, Django, XML and many more. Every time I had to compile the program and check using some input, I used to write his name and people used to find me crazy. I couldn’t think anything else but his name. My entire programming notes contain his name for almost every example. I used to travel to Gurgaon to learn Java and our teacher once taught us how infinite loop works. After getting back to hostel, I was practicing my programs and when the program asked to enter a name after successful compilation, I wrote his name and the infinite loop started working and I couldn’t find a way to stop it. Nothing was working and I was so scared, I switched off the laptop by putting down the screen and the very next day I opened it and the loop was still running and his name was printing, I had shown it to our teacher and she asked me of whom the name was of, while finding the remedies to stop the program from running. The program finally stopped running and I was relieved but I remained silent and couldn’t answer her question, my friends laughed at me and later after the class got ended, they said that I was insane and that I was just wasting my time thinking of someone who will never be mine and will never understand the intensity of my love. I just smiled and remained silent, what was the point of fighting with them when I myself admit that they were saying the truth.
I was known by my juniors, my friends, my classmates and most importantly by my teachers for my handwriting, my dedication towards my studies and my notes that I prepared for each and every subject to score marks in the university examination. My teachers always appreciated my efforts that I made and my handwriting. One of my favourite teachers, Rajat Sir, named me ‘Dhanpat Rai Publication’, after checking my answer sheet for the very first time. I was very happy to get such appreciations which I always wanted from my school teachers
but never got. I shared with Sagar how Rajat Sir and the rest of my teachers appreciated me for my handwriting. I was surprised when he too told me that I indeed have a very good handwriting. I asked him how did he know it and he said that he once saw my handwriting when we went to our mathematics teacher in our high school to show the homework. I couldn’t remember it but he remembered it very well. I was so embarrassed to know that he noticed my handwriting and I didn’t notice his handwriting ever. I didn’t know how his handwriting was and so asked him to show me his writing as well. He sent me the picture of his notebook of some subject. His handwriting was similar to my father’s handwriting and I appreciated him too.
Although I wasted my holidays after by 2nd semester, I didn’t wanted to waste my 4th semester holidays as well and so I decided to do a summer training for a trending technology and thus enrolled myself in the Android Application Development course at an institution which was situated in Salt Lake, the industrial sector of West Bengal. Our trainer was a very cheerful man and treated everyone very well. He was also a tutor for a famous educational website, where he delivered video lectures. I interacted with very few students, more specifically, I interacted with only six other students of our batch because we were working on a live project at the end of our training.
I was always into learning new things and so I was very interested to learn more in android. In order to practice it, I wanted to work on any project and all of a sudden I got an awesome idea. Sagar’s birthday was only one month away and I thought of building a personalized android app for him. I started working on that tiny project. I worked hard day and night only to make that app and present him on his birthday. I wanted to surprise him. It was not to prove how much I loved him, it was to make him happy which was always my priority. I already had all his pictures, then downloaded a birthday song which had his name, from the internet. I asked him to buy a gift on his own and also had a picture of a cake with his name written on it on that app. I created all the activities (or phone screens as you can call them), merged them up in the manifest file and compiled it. It was running successfully and was completed before time. My roommate and my close friends were amazed by this and they too wished him to accept me and I used to laugh at them.
That year on my birthday, I had hidden my birth date so only my close friends could wish me. I thought maybe he will remember my birthday, maybe he thought of me as a friend at least and remember my birthday as well along with rest of his friends but I was wrong. I was far from him, I made efforts to become his friend but never got that place in his heart. I knew I was never his priority, but now realized maybe even a friend. While he attended every single birthday party of his friends, he forgot my birthday, the most special day of my life. I had a very bad day not only because of him but also because of some other incidents that took place that day. Then I turned the birth date public again, he got a notification and wished me. I was very angry on him. What else could be done? He didn't even give me that right to shout at him, to ask him why was he so cold for me. It was of no use to become frustrated. Maybe he never cared. I never got to see his real emotions. How could you judge someone by reading messages, the messages could be thought of, the emojis could be fake. I didn’t know where I was going. Was I on the right path? When will this thing end and when will I find some happiness?
I emailed him the APK file of the android app that I made for him on his birthday at night. It didn’t bother him when I wished him on his birthday morning instead of wishing him at twelve o’clock at night. When he heard that I made an app for him, he was very excited, he wanted to see it, use it. He then downloaded it and used it. He was very happy and thanked me and said that it meant a lot to him. I was happy too. I then continued with some other project. I started making a simple notepad app and as always he appreciated me and motivated me to continue doing it. I wasn't as much, but he was confident that I could do it and so I promised myself that I will never let him down. I worked day and night, missed my lectures and even bunked a few practical classes. He encouraged me throughout whenever we chatted and discussed about it and when I thanked him for being there by my side throughout, he simply denied the fact that he was doing anything special. Such a nice person was he and I loved that beautiful soul that he had. I craved to see him, to hear his voice but couldn’t.
Him, my brother and Tagore
“Jodi aaro kaare bhalobaso, Jodi aar phire nahi aso, Tobe tumi jaaha chao, tai jano paao, aami joto dukho paai go, amaro porano jaha chaai, tumi tai, tumi taai go”. The English translation of these Bengali lyrics of a famous Rabindra sangeet, written by Rabindranath Tagore, in the year 1888, is:
“Love, you may, anyone you wish to, never mind, if you do not come back again. May you achieve all your dreams, let me plunge into extreme sadness. You are the perfect match to my desires, dear. You are the enlightened one among all darkness within me.”
Rabindranath Tagore played a very vital role not only in my life but also in the life of every other Bengali. He is a part of our culture. I grew up listening to his songs that my father used to play in cassettes, danced on his beautiful songs at my dance school and performed in various competitions in which our dance school participated. I never saw this amazing writer neither was I supposed to, because he died much before our Independence and my birth but for Bengalis his work was never outdated.
Whatever be your mood or situation, be it happiness, sadness, one sided love, your separation, heartbreak, death of someone, or you are worshipping almighty God, you will find him everywhere. Through his poems, lyrics, short stories, novels, he touched every emotion of a living being. I was shocked when I learnt the fact that some of my classmates and even teachers didn’t know the fact that the national anthem of India and Bangladesh were written by him. I was really sad to know that this great man was underrated among his own Indians. The world knew him for his piece of art, Gitanjali. He received the Nobel Prize and even rejected to accept the “knight” title, which the British administration wanted to give for his talent. He has this school of art, Shantiniketan, where people from different parts of the world come to gather knowledge. But not many Indians today know about him, what a pity. Throughout my journey of this beautiful phase of my life, I got him by my side. I listened to his songs, read his novels and diversified myself and also learnt a beautiful lesson that if you truly love
someone, don’t force them, don’t beg in front of them and emotionally blackmail them to stay with you and accept you. If your love is pure and has the intensity in it, they will surely come and hold your hands some day, till then let them roam around, experience life, get the beautiful lessons of life. They will surely understand you someday and that very day they will not think of what the society will think, how will their friends react when you will be in their life because at the end of the day, you will be the one to be with that person, not the society.
I never thought of asking Sagar whether he too has a taste similar to me. I knew that his and my brother’s tastes were same. Both loved to listen to Eminem and Linkin Park songs. Both were Marvel fan like other boys were. I always thought that if we would make a couple then probably my brother would be the happiest person because my brother was different from all of our family members and his taste, his way of speaking fluent English never matched anyone of us and that made him maintain a distance between him and the rest of us. Just like Sagar was different in his own way.
Very few people were there in our family with whom my brother was comfortable. I used to watch my friends interacting with their brothers so nicely. Their brothers loved them, cared for them and showed all the affections they had for them. Not that my brother didn’t love me. I knew that he always loved me and was very concerned about me but he couldn’t express it in words. When I shifted to Delhi, I had to share a flat with two other roommates. Both of them had a younger brother just like me but their bond was so different than ours. One of my roomies, Sanchita, had a lovely brother for whom his elder sister was his world. He used to send letters to her whenever possible, yeah, in the era of WhatsApp too. Always asked her to help him in his studies and even cried for her whenever he needed her. He was so adorable. I always wanted my brother like her’s. I remember when my brother was in kindergarten, I used to sit down on our bed and made him sit down on my lap and then teach him how to write the English and Bengali alphabets and also the numbers. At night when my mother got busy doing her household chores and my brother used to cry, I used to pat him on his back, laying him down and then sung different songs to make him sleep. My mother would appreciate me for making him fall asleep.
I was only six and half years when my brother was born and so I didn’t had that capability to play with a baby and carry him around. In fact, once while playing he fell down on the grass from my hands and I was so scared that I started crying along with him. My mother didn’t scold me, she just grabbed him and ran to the hospital for an immediate checkup. I loved my brother just like he loved me but we never were emotional enough to speak it to each other. We showed it through actions. I used to cry whenever I saw my father going to punish him because he used to quarrel with him even after making some mischief just like my grandmother used to save me from my father.
Sagar never interacted with my brother neither did my brother know him but he always supported my brother and was always concerned when I discussed anything related with him. I once asked him to find a Bengali tutor for my brother and he without any further questioning gave me the phone number of his Bengali tutor whose house was nearby in the next colony from our house. After getting the phone number, I forwarded it to my father and he contacted him. The teacher asked him where he found his number from to which my father told about Sagar, referring to him as “my daughter’s friend”. The tutor was satisfied. He agreed to teach my brother. He was a professional teacher and a professor of a reputed university and he hardly took tuitions, but since he had taught Sagar and his elder brother, he was in a very good relation with his family and thus he taught my brother too. I just wished Sagar would have spent some time with my brother because I failed to have that relation with my brother with whom he would have shared all his emotions, his daily life incidents and his difficulties. Had there been Sagar in my place, he would have made a nice bond with him and maybe he would have shared all his stuffs with him.
Sagar never failed to show his concern. Maybe he thought it to be his responsibility and so after learning the fact that my brother was going to appear for the ICSE examination, he texted me, “Best of luck to your brother for his ICSE exams.” That was the phase when we just graduated from college and hardly texted each other. I wanted to forget and get him out of my mind and was trying to move on in my life. I hadn’t seen him for more than three years now and I was tired of getting sympathy from people around and suggesting me to move on and
concentrate on my career. I hated when people tagged it as one sided love and then started taunting me by repeating some famous dialogues from a popular lovey-dovey movies in Bollywood. My love was above all this crap. I knew it was one sided but I didn’t wanted to make it lose its dignity. I never wanted to disrespect Sagar’s decision of not loving me back. I just loved and wanted to love him more and wait for him throughout my life. I started believing in incarnations and horoscope and stuff. I prayed to God to let me have him in my next birth. After all the attempts to keep distance from him, he texted me only to wish my brother and that was a very sweet gesture.
The Stars Weren’t Favourable
I started believing in the stars and the matching of the human nature. Both of us are Virgo and thus our nature and thought process were similar. I felt like talking to my own self whenever I chatted with him. Like me, he also believed in women empowerment, respected the elders, was always a family man and never supported any bad things. Maybe that was another reason why I stopped myself from calling him. I always thought that he might feel disgusting if I called him because I myself didn’t like people calling me from whom I wanted to keep a distance. Hardly did he converse with me in our own mother tongue. Specially after getting to know that I loved him, he always wanted to have a formal conversation showing concerns out of courtesy. I tried to make him converse with me in Bengali but he was not comfortable with that and so I didn’t force him much. I always took it in a positive way to get better and improve in English although I was from an English medium school.
I started spending hours checking whether both of us could be a match or not, I watched various videos related to same zodiac sign compatibility and if we could get together or not and guess what? I always got positive results. I used to satisfy myself learning the fact that if someday we would come together, we could go on very well. The sign clearly stated that my compatibility will be more with Capricorn and Taurus but with a Virgo man also I can do well. These were few things which always kept me connected to him and I was happy with it.
Then a phase came in my life, when I felt lonely. I wanted to feel for someone. I used to watch my friends coming close with their partners, some of them were engaged and some of them had already lost their virginity. Although I was an extraordinary girl with unique characteristics, my heart was just like a normal girl. I also started desiring and fantasizing things. That phase of my life was the most difficult phase and I still remember how I controlled myself. Maybe this phase came in every woman's life. Many men approached me to have sex, to become their friends with benefit on social media without even seeing me in real. All they wanted was sex but I never imagined it with some random people with whom I
didn’t even have any emotional attachment. I wanted an emotional touch. I wanted Sagar to touch me, to hug me and feel me. I was alone when I shifted to Delhi and wanted someone to keep me busy and to understand me. I satisfied myself by reading novels where the love making scenes were illustrated in detail, watched Hollywood movies and every night before sleeping, I used to imagine him lying down by my side and making love with me and it sometimes felt real. The only difference was that the tasks were done by me with my own hands. I used to feel good but for how long could I do that.
My parents were busy as they were working and had to look after my brother as well because his exams were on. I didn’t want to disturb Sagar because he suffered a lot already and had finally moved on. He was then in a relationship with another girl who was very beautiful and friendly. I knew her very well too. He never bothered to tell me but after I saw some of his pictures on social media I doubted it and asked him. He told me that it's been quite a while in this relationship and wrote her name. He thought I didn’t know her. I told him that I knew her already and she was a very nice girl, I interacted with her once and she was very friendly and I also included that I had always considered her my friend. He forwarded all the messages to his girlfriend. She was in my friend list on facebook and as soon as she got to know it, she texted me for praising her and that she didn’t knew the fact that I always considered her as my friend. I told her not to thank me and also that I was very happy to know about their relationship. I asked her to always keep him happy because she indeed got a gem to cherish.
After few months they broke up. I was not at all happy. In fact, I was very sad, all the bad things were happening to him altogether. His house was affected because the entire area nearby was set on fire. They had to survive without water and electricity supply for few days, lots of things were stolen from their house when they vacated the house to find a safe place for shelter that very night. His grandmother was admitted in the ICU because she was injured and had a panic attack and his entire family was scared. And before all these pathetic accidents took place, he had a breakup and the reason was never disclosed to anyone because they had a common friend circle. I was concerned for him but he was matured enough to handle himself. What else could I do? I wanted to hug him
and take away all his pain, share all his emotions, pat him on his shoulder and assure him not to loosen himself because he had to take care of his parents and grandmother as his elder brother was out of the country to study MS, but it was not possible.
I always felt for his grandmother. My grandmother died when I was a kid of age mere six years old. My brother was not born at that time. I still remember how my grandma whom I used to call ‘Dida’, used to take care of me. I cried a lot whenever my mom left me behind and was going to office. She used to hug me and pat me until I stopped crying. Every day, after I returned from the play school, she used me freshen me up and used to narrate different fairytale stories to divert me and to make me have food. I used to ask her to serve the crows before I eat and so she used to call some crows making weird sounds like them and serve them food. After they ate, I used to feel happy and then ate my food. Sometimes when I used to turn around and sleep, she used to check whether I was asleep or not. To me, she was more than my parents, those six years were the best years of my life. Whenever I did any mischief, my father used to become very angry and tried to punish me so that I would not do it again but she always rescued me and I knew I had someone to protect me. More than my parents, I slept with my dida. I used to hug her and press my face against her white saree that she wore and that was enough for me to fall asleep. I never really needed a story or a song.
I had my exam the next day. I slept with dida the previous night and wanted to sleep that night also. We ate dinner together and dida was making her bed. After that, she sat on the floor and was making her paan, a kind of mouth freshener, in which some fruits were put into the betel leaves and it is chewed. I was sleepy so I went to my bed waiting for her to call me because she promised me to. It was a long wait and thus while waiting I felt asleep, when I woke up the next morning, no one was there in our house. My cousin dressed me and sent me to school and after I gave my exam and returned back home, I saw my mother preparing food and most of my relatives came to pay a visit. I was habituated to return back home and hug my grandma. I searched for her but she was missing. I asked everyone but they didn’t utter a word. They were crying instead and I got very angry. I thought maybe she went somewhere without informing me and promised
myself that I will not talk with her for two days. After few hours, I saw an ambulance in front of our house and some staff took a stretcher out upon which my grandma was lying, eyes closed and her nostrils closed with cotton. They laid her down on a wooden bed in front of our house, all my relatives surrounded her and were crying, one of them took me near her and I just looked at her, still thinking maybe she was ill and was sleeping. I didn’t know how to react. I was neither sad, nor scared, nothing. Everything was normal to me. It took me few more hours to realize that she was dead. I couldn’t express my feelings. It was so awkward for me. I went to the burial ghat to burn her body according to the Hindu rituals. There too I was playing by my own and then after performing all the rites when it was time to burn her, somebody from our family took me away so that I would not see that thing. I didn’t wanted to go, he took me forcefully and when we returned back I saw my dida burning and that was the moment I would never forget. It was so scary, when I actually saw her burning. I got back my senses and was traumatized. The person whom I loved more than my parents, who was there to take care of me, who rescued me from every bad circumstance, was gone. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was afraid. I thought how would I face her if she will appear in front of me all of a sudden and ask me to sleep with her. My parents understood very well that I was in pain but I was extremely traumatized and couldn’t express it. Not a single drop of tear came out of my eyes. After that incident, I was left all alone. Till now my parents never took me to anyone’s death ceremony. I would faint if I see any dead body in front of me and thus left biology in my high school even when my mom wanted me to become a doctor.
After her death, I heard someone discussing how my grandma died. While she was chewing the betel leaf, suddenly she felt that her chest is paining and asked my mom to give her some water. My mom gave her water but she couldn’t drink it. She was in pain. My mom, being a nurse, checked her pressure and then when she felt something is abnormal, she suggested my father to take her to the hospital. We used to live in a small town and that place was not so much progressive. It was midnight and the hospitals were not having doctors. So, before my parents took her to a hospital few kilometers away, she had a stroke and died before reaching the hospital. My father was away from his mother throughout his
life and it was only the last eight years that she was with her son and my father got the care of her mother. The father also broke down but he had lots of responsibilities so he controlled himself very well. After she was gone, I was alone, whenever I felt bad or wanted to cry, I recalled her. My father used to punish me, like most parents, whenever I did some silly mistakes in mathematics or whenever I failed to learn my chapters well and couldn’t remember the answers to the questions related to my subjects. My mom saved me but she was not always near us. My father was not a villain, he never tortured me, he was always concerned about me and wanted me to score good. He is a nice man but he couldn’t control his anger. Every single time I was punished, instead of going to my mom, I used to lock myself up in the bathroom and then cry a lot and complained to God for taking away my dida. I couldn’t forget dida. I still miss her and so my bond with the elderly people gets stronger quicker than for others. I can connect well with them. I feel very happy whenever I interact with any senior citizen.
I never saw Sagar’s grandmother but still felt for her. I used to ask him about her health and whether she was taken proper care of or not. Once I asked him to show me her picture but he never sent her picture and I could only imagine and think whether she looks similar to my dida or not.
Once we were discussing about her grandmother’s health and he mentioned that she still maintained herself and still thought that she was beautiful even after so many wrinkles and he was laughing at her adorable gestures and I too found it cute. I wanted to see her, touch her feet and get her blessings but couldn’t and when I heard that she was admitted to hospital and had a panic attack, it reminded me of my dida and I was scared. I prayed for her day and night that she may get well soon.
Will He Come?
A phase came in my life when I didn’t think anymore of what he would think. My surroundings had made me bold enough and I got influenced by some people around me. It was Saraswati Puja and I was at home enjoying my holidays, I had gone on a trip with Samik and Saheb and visited many places including Eco Park. I was having a gala time then. Saraswati Puja is celebrated with great pride, the students specially, participate in the preparations and the prayers to get the blessings from Goddess Saraswati. We individually celebrate it in our houses and in colonies as well. His family, being Brahmin, also celebrated Saraswati puja in their house. Not that only Brahmins could do this. We also celebrated it in our house, bought an idol of the deity, and celebrated it. All the prayers were offered in the morning and then the children and teenagers and the adults as well go out with their friends.
The ladies deck themselves up in mostly yellow sarees and the boys and men wear kurta and jeans. Saraswati puja is also considered as the Valentine's Day for the Bengalis. You would find couples roaming around here and there, having food or spending some quality time with each other. I, Swastika, Saheb and Samik decided that we would meet and spend some time in the evening. They all decided to wear traditional clothes and I was not comfortable in saree especially when I knew that I had to travel in the local train. I rejected the idea even after they insisted me so much. Later when I was chatting with Sagar, I told him all those stuffs and he also suggested me to wear a saree. I told him that I couldn’t carry it properly and he explained to me that being a Bengali girl I should attire myself in saree as per the tradition on this particular festival. I agreed to his words and decided to wear it. I knew that he wouldn’t meet me but I asked him to go out with us. He didn’t assure me. He said that he would definitely join us if he was free but he had responsibilities regarding the Puja. He said it so nicely that I thought maybe he would come. I also suggested him to wear a kurta and he said he didn’t had one and then after a little more conversation, we stopped chatting.
I started bouncing off questions to my brain. Like how would I wear a saree, which saree should I wear, how would I make myself presentable in front of him, how would I react when I would see him after so long, would he feel comfortable or not. He didn’t say no directly and I took it positively. I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I kept dreaming with my eyes open. The next day he didn’t appear. Rest of my friends said that they knew it that he would not come and I thought maybe his friends planned something and he couldn’t say no to them. I was not sad because I also knew he wouldn’t come. I enjoyed a lot with my friends, clicked pictures and discussed some random topics.
Later when I came back home I scrolled through Facebook and didn’t find him with his friends in their pictures that they updated. I was tensed. I thought maybe he had some work and then when I texted him, he told me that one of his uncles met with an accident and he had to rush to the hospital to admit him. He was just fulfilling his responsibilities. I was matured enough and proud of him for thinking so much and being there by the side whenever anyone needed help. He was so lucky just like me to get such awesome parents who brought him up so well. He was always so timid in front of me but I knew he was very naughty in his teenage days by seeing his childhood pictures that he posted making weird faces and doing naughty stuffs with his old school friends.
Almost, The Turning Point
I knocked the door of Zaara’s room to ask her whether she had done her dinner or not before going downstairs. She used to stay in the next room and was a hostler just like me. She was from mechanical branch and a very sweet girl. Everyone loved her. She looked at me and said she was waiting for me and told me that she had found out a guy whom I would love to call my brother and who is exactly the same as me. I was curious. I asked her who was that guy and she pronounced his name. After some days I got a friend request from that guy on Facebook. His name was Rajesh Singh and he was from Jharkhand. We started chatting on Facebook and then shared our numbers during the declaration day of 4th semester result when I was at home. I was never comfortable calling anyone or speaking over phone with anyone but we planned Zaara’s surprise birthday party and that’s how we started conversing over phone. Zaara made us brother and sister and we followed it genuinely. I made him my sworn brother and we truly shared a special bond. We chatted with each other for hours and he always had time for me. He was in love with Zaara but he never expressed his feelings for her because he was afraid he would lose his friendship.
He shared everything with me. I chatted only with him for hours but he was habituated to chat with everyone like that. He had shown equal concern for everyone but sometimes I, Zaara and Purvi would found him very cheesy when he texted some stupid stuffs or texted the same message to three of us. I always wished Sagar to show me that level of concern and conversed with me for hours just like he does. But this guy, he was so concerned that he stayed awake the whole night once when I was returning back home and my train was 22 hours late. He checked the status of the train and informed me and whenever I got network signal (which was rare), I chatted with him. That incident was truly one of the most pathetic incidents that I experienced in my life. I was travelling via Yuva Express and it was a chair car train and I was travelling alone as usual. My train was scheduled to arrive at 5 o’clock in the evening but it arrived at one o’clock at
midnight because of the fog as it was the winter season. I was sitting in the window seat and next to me sat two other men. The train departed from Anand Vihar terminal and was scheduled to arrive at Howrah Junction. I chatted with my parents, my friends, my teachers and obviously with Rajesh. He was equally concerned with me, Zaara and Purvi because three of us were travelling the same day in different trains and he had already reached home. At night while I was sleeping, the man next to me tried to molest me and tried touching my private parts but I sensed it. I then couldn’t sleep the whole night. After both of them departed, I told him everything and he was very concerned and didn’t knew how to react. After boarding off the train I went to the prepaid taxi queue and there also I found that so many people were already standing in the line. I was waiting for my turn and throughout he was chatting with me. We chatted until I reached home and then I bid him goodbye. To him it was a very normal thing and he cared for everyone but for me all this was new.
After the end of our semesters, when I shifted to Delhi, I was lonely and he was always available for me. I shared every detail of my life with him and how we both were on the same line just that Zaara considered him a very good friend and he did everything for her and thus they were in contact and could see her and chat with her. But I couldn’t do all that with Sagar. I wanted to move on in my life. I wanted to stop irritating Sagar and stop making him feel uncomfortable. I sometimes wanted Sagar to become like Rajesh. I knew the latter was like that with every other girl in his life but I couldn’t stop myself making him my habit. Whenever Purvi and Zaara said something negative behind his back, I also used to join them, but then I used to feel bad. I became so close to him that whenever I got free time I used to call him and chat with him for hours. I was attracted towards him and the efforts that he made for me to remain in contact with him. He was there when I needed him the most. I shared with him how I crave for Sagar. I was never comfortable with video chats but he requested me a lot and we then had one. I felt so comfortable with him. In between all these stuff, I forgot that once I used to consider him my brother and truly respected that relation. He was never my type. I was from a different background, the definition that I had of my Mr Perfect only suited Sagar and he was totally the opposite. He was younger
than me but these things stopped bothering me. He was available for me always until he joined a job. I waited for him the whole day just to get a call from him when he returned back home. Whenever he didn’t call, I would call him and we used to chat. Even after the call we used to chat on WhatsApp and that continued for long. He used to say good things and praised me a lot, tolerated all my mood swings and was equally sensible and matured enough to handle me. I thought maybe Sagar would not have handled me so well like he did. He used to flirt a lot but then he used to forget that he did. One of the negative qualities that he had was that he used to forget what he said and I used to feel bad whenever I had to remind him and he didn’t recall. He would say that he said those words only to Zaara. I started feeling bad for myself. I thought I was so obsessed to get love, so desperate to have a man in my life that I was thinking of him. Every time I found him flirting with me I used to feel good. I realized soon that I am going in a wrong direction and thus wanted to disconnect with him to get off this bad habit. I started feeling jealous of Zaara that too because of him. I never felt jealous of the two ex-girlfriends that Sagar had but this was so different.
Finally one day I texted him everything and I thought maybe he will be shocked but then I got his reply, “I am not a fool to not realize that you are feeling for me and so to maintain our friendship I taunted you with the name of some other guy.” I was very upset after receiving his messages. He was so different from Sagar. Sagar never flirted with me. I felt so low. He partially made me forget Sagar. I started missing him less and felt like I moved on and left Sagar behind. This is the first time I felt for a wrong guy. Tears came out from my eyes and I was shattered. I was addicted to him. I blocked him everywhere not because he rejected me because I never asked for his acceptance. I blocked him only because even after knowing everything he allowed everything to happen and then received an email from him that he send containing the screenshots of my status that he once saved. Purvi and Zaara understood me but they couldn’t believe that I felt for him. They laughed at me for selecting someone like him. I shared everything with Swastika and then she narrated an incident from her life and I calmed myself and unblocked him. It didn’t took me long to get over it because I was not in love, it was just an emotional attachment that I had for him because
love happens only once and the rest is just life. It was my responsibility to inform him and never asked him to accept me or whatever because I was irritated knowing the fact that I was feeling for him. Had I not informed him he would have never let me maintain a distance with him and stopped calling and texting me. After that incident took place, I learnt the biggest lesson of my life. I stopped watching the television serials, I stopped trusting anybody else and felt blank. Previously I used to have lots of crushes but then everything just went away and I had no emotions left within me. The positive thing that happened to me is that once again it was proved that no one could be like Sagar, no one in this world got that superb quality, broad mind and the genuine attitude that he had. I thought I moved on but then I started loving him more. I wanted to get over it as soon as possible and I was frustrated. In that extreme cold weather, I bathed for hours in the chilled water. Wanted to get rid of that addiction and got sick. I got cough and cold and I was weak. Maybe my blood pressure was low and thus I would faint often. I went to a friend’s PG and had wine. I had few sips of beer earlier in a friend’s birthday party but that day I was in pain and I wanted to have more. After two shots I was out and I called Swastika and all I wanted that time was to listen to Sagar’s voice. I wanted him. I begged her to contact him by hook or by crook and ask him to speak anything but she was matured enough. She didn’t do it. She was a girl who always said the bitter truth that Sagar will never be mine but it was not in my hand anymore. Later I made Rajesh my friend like before because he helped me many times and I thought I shouldn’t forget the effort that he made to help me whenever I needed it even without saying. I understood that he was not a bad guy, our circumstances were different. If he would have felt for me at least for once, I would have got the temporary happiness just to move on but it would not last for long because I would have doubted his feelings for Zaara as well as mine. He got such superb quality of never letting anyone go away from his life because he also had a very few friends just like me. It was not entirely his fault. One of our mutual friends tried to create misunderstandings between us but saying negative words against him and I believed and started hating him. I even stopped trusting him and once thought of disconnecting with him permanently but he never allowed me to erase him out of my life. I didn’t want to lose such a friend like him. When the world bullied me, always judged me in whatever I did,
he always supported me, encouraged me. He gave me time to forget all the bad memories and the awkwardness between us and become even closer friend.
The Dream Come True
Today I got married to my Mr. Perfect, the man whom I always desired throughout my life. He made me wait for him for four years and finally we became one. I always believed in happy endings and thus this is the happy ending to my love story. People always told me I don’t know what love is and that I would know only after my arrange marriage but they were wrong and I was always right. I never doubted my love and thus I got him in my life. Just a few hours before when he arrived in his black Audi which was decorated with flowers, I got so tensed. Sitting in front of hundreds of people, decked up as a Bengali bride wearing a bright red Benarasi saree, all the golden jewellery that covered my body, from bangles to ear pieces to necklaces that I bought with my own salary after working day and night for two years, the fresh flowers that were used in the garland that I wore around my neck and the makeup that totally changed me. I looked absolutely stunning. I was constantly pinching myself because I couldn’t believe it all. It was not a dream like always but a beautiful reality that I saw with my eyes wide open.
I couldn’t see how my mom performed all the rituals to welcome him. My mom wore that saree which she bought so many years ago when I was in high school, only for the purpose of my wedding and to welcome her son-in-law. After few hours, when all the rituals were done by my parents, I was called. I was shivering like hell. I can’t express how I felt. I managed to lose some kilograms so that my brothers could lift me as is done to bring the bride to the wedding area in our Bengali weddings. Throughout my life I was bullied for being obese and everytime they refused to lift me at my wedding. They were so proud of me that I lost so much of extra kilos only for them.
Covering my face with the betel leaves, I went in front of him, my man. The cameraman switched on the flashlight to get a better quality photograph and video. Then they started to take rounds holding me seated on a wooden flat seat and he stood there blushing as my friends taunted him. When I was told to see him by throwing the betel leaves behind me, I did it and made eye contact with him. I couldn’t control myself and tears came out from my eyes which was full of waterproof kajal. He found it adorable and without thinking what others would think he rubbed those tears with his hands and kissed me on my forehead. I blushed and people around us hooted. After we exchanged the garlands of white flowers and then the garlands of roses, we sat down performing all the rites. Finally at the end he applied vermillion starting from my forehead till the half of my head and a pinch of it dropped on my nose. After applying it, he covered my face with a saree. While he was applying that red coloured vermillion, I closed my eyes and a flashback of our school days was in front of me.
I never imagined in my wildest dream that after four years of craving, when I was broken totally and wanted a way to rescue from that extreme level of pain, I will suddenly get his phone call, we would start chatting for hours. He would wait patiently for one year so that I would crack the GATE and get into an elite institute and after studying Mtech for two years and then working for another two years, our four years of relationship would finally result in a marriage. His parents never questioned his choices and thus accepted me wholeheartedly. I could meet his grandmother finally and take her blessings and my life became just like the fairy tales I used to believe when I was young. My patience, my perseverance, my love for him and his for me, everything finally united us and we are one now. I never found him so cute as he is looking now, taking a nap after such a lengthy procedure and a stressful yet happy day. I am sad I have to leave my parents tomorrow but I am equally happy of getting his family who are not like the typical ones. My love story had lots of twists and turns and finally started running on track, the right one this time. Bless us and our family so that we are happy and cheerful forever and get a mesmerizing married life.
Oh! And now after so many years I finally understood what that RJ that day said about love and infatuation, whatever he said and I can conclude that according to his definition of love, I am definitely in love with my man.