For When You Feel Nothing

You called back today after noticing my missed call. Did you notice my ringtone too? It’s the same song you had sent an audio of in your cracked voice to me. Even I had turned oblivion to it, until today when I checked my playlist. It’s still the last song there. Maybe because after listening to the entire playlist, my numb ears manage to bear it through without tears trickling down.

Every day, I receive the same notification on my phone. “New offers on Box8 especially for you and your loved ones.” Do you remember how we tricked the company to get discounts? Each night just before 1:00 a.m., I used to arrange a new number for you just so that you don’t sleep hungry.

Gazing at you over video calls, hogging the food in 5 minutes with a broad smile, my eyes have become numb to that now. I guess the memory is fading when I saw that smile last. I visited that restaurant last week where you had been planning to treat me on your birthday since ages. It was your birthday on that day. I treated myself. You overrated the place. The alcohol didn’t numb me; the music numbed my feet rather. I even tried your favourite dish. It wasn’t spicy the way you loved to eat but the kohl did get smudged. The sensory organs must have stopped. feeling anything.

I think 15th August is coming up soon. For the past 5 months, I have been celebrating 15th as our ‘Friendship Day’. This month it’s the Independence Day. Will I be able to celebrate it this time? Will I become numb to your photographs, poems, messages, calls and your touch? The warmth in your hugs, the resonating voice of yours, the smirks and laughs, the heated arguments and the cold silence?

Maybe on days, when my senses retrieve fragments of your memories, I will celebrate a 15th and play that song, delete another notification, eat the same dish at that restaurant and smile. ‘For when you start to feel nothing, the pumping of your heart grows louder, the glow on your face turns brighter, and each sensory organ in your body makes you realise how numbness is also beautiful.’