ExPactZing-ChangeLing.

There is this sense of endless fatigue that looms over some of my days. Today is one such day.

I know it was a long time ago. A very long time ago indeed. But then when I look back, it seems like it was just yesterday because it has never been over for me. The memories are really fresh in my mind...Good, bad and the ugly! I feel I am bound to him in a way that I do not appreciate completely...

As if I am in some pact with him for understanding life.

As if we were meant to go through this together and become better people in our respective lives.

As if our lives were created in the exact same moment by the creator and then split into two souls and separate bodies.

At least that is what I tell myself. Whatever it is, it doesn't feel pleasant or happy the way it felt the first time that I liked him. It's way away from that, has been for so long. It is inexplicably painful and confusing and incoherent. I am not sure what he feels. The pain and the suffering and the wisdom that I have endured in the process of 'not being together' is so profound that I feel that although he may never admit, it helped 'us' both grow! There are times I feel that I am anchoring to his mistakes about 'us' as a reason to be accepted by everyone around me without really satisfying what my soul is yearning for. I want to be with him. But then, there is one thing that holds me back. His unreasonable silence. No matter how much I try to give 'his' distancing himself from me a benefit of the doubt, I feel resentful because somewhere I believe he has been utterly selfish in this whole process. Not once I was his priority and I will be eternally grateful to him for having made me realize mine by behaving the way he did. I am indebted to him and someone else in that they helped me understand what it means to have healthy boundaries when they stepped on mine! I am yet to understand why he did all that he did to me. Is he like that always or was he so only with me? Whatever the 'is' or 'was', I think I deserved an explanation. Unfortunately, I never got one up until now and I wonder why? The pain exhausts me and I feel I will succumb to it someday. The most difficult thing is to put up a happy face when I can hardly make it through the day sometimes...

Only if he could understand the bond that we had and felt the same way as I did, the same divine zing which I feel was capable of giving us both all that we would ever need in life to sustain ourselves amidst all the odds.

Only if he could choose one thing. Only if that one thing was me...

Only if I was his priority not only for what I am on the outside which I know was the case because when I denied being with him, it was taken as an insult and even the friendship was not valued as I had proposed it to be so that there would be no bitterness. There can be a healthy friendship between two people when things do not work out at the outset. Why is it so difficult to accept that? I really do not understand why it was not appreciated when I had suggested this so early on when the differences started arising. It would not have led me to where I am right now. I know why it is not possible. It cannot be when you are only looking out for immediate physical gratifications and especially when you feel there is no one like you. Well, wake up. Just because you are liked by many does not mean you can take someone for a ride and they will let you step on them.

Only if he understood that real intimacy is priceless. That sometimes all that you want is to just hold the person you love and let them know that you are there and accept them as they are without manipulating them to change them to suit your own needs. That there is some meaning to being genuine.

Only if he had let me be me!

Only if he ever decided to be a human and not give in to his demonic ways of 'being' that trail back into the dark mist of his deranged thoughts while expecting that I should express myself the way it would feel good to him. I am not a puppet!

Only if I could bring him back to life as a whole.

Only if he understood that despite all that happened between us I have always been expressive through my actions and decisions while he was meagerly hiding behind people who put up his case for me while he was busy keeping his agendas in the background 'ON' and waiting for me to respond when I am not sure if he even meant any of it and that is so ridiculously immature and disgusting.

Only if he had not made a standing joke out of me in front of my friends and family and so many strangers out there who peep into my personal life, as if it was some movie screening, thanks to him, which I so don't appreciate.

Only if he had the sanity to understand that any relationship is about two people and that whatever is shared between two friends on a level of trust is not to be loosely shared for saving oneself when in fact you are no saint!

Only if he had the courage to be open to me about his existing relationship about which I had confronted him way too before anyone else had gotten involved between us because of which he got scared and insecure that he was caught red-handed despite all his smartness. That is when he spread negative things about me to save his image in front of everyone by hiding that he was 'two - timing' me. I didn't know if he was genuine. What was I to respond in front of others when I already knew that he liked someone else? I didn't want to make a fool out of myself when he was not reciprocating. And then people who witnessed us blamed me for being very expressive first and then closing off suddenly and tricking him which I didn't. There was a time I really liked him when I was unaware that he was with someone else. But in a matter of a week or two, I realized he was only playing with me and I shut off! It was too much of a shock for me to deal with. I really didn't know how to react. I still don't. Despite that, I had offered to be friends and at that time he started getting agitated at me because by then he too had expressed himself in front of people to save himself probably. Then, when I did not give in, he started calling me names, spreading bad things about my character, literally spoiling my work related things, indirectly verbally abusing me without taking my name while I was working when I realized that this was some kind of bullying that I do not want to give into. I needed time to think things through to understand why was he angry with me and treating me badly when I was not even at fault?. Many times I requested for having clear communication, but not once he responded. So, I too shut off from him openly and that is what pissed him off as I stopped talking to him in front of everyone else which threatened him because everyone talks to him and how did I dare not to.

Only if he had not let his insecurities get so better off of himself that he literally screwed up my career because I was not clear what to say to him as I was aware of his relationship while he was projecting in front of everyone that he likes me. I marvel at his acting skills!

Only if he had trusted me that I was his friend first and that he having a relationship with anyone does not matter to me as long as he is not cheating with me or the other person. His life is his business. Why drag me unnecessarily when you are not sure? Get your stuff in place first before pointing fingers at others, making false interpretations about them and sabotaging their life.

Only if he valued fidelity and did not reach out to me through my friends who quite ridiculously helped me understand on his behalf that monogamy is outdated. Like seriously!!! Well, it may be for you? I am to decide what I want. So just excuse me! And even if monogamy is outdated, I really do not second simultaneous polygamy. I mean what are you? A machine? Who just needs some oil to keep going and it doesn't matter from where it comes? And you think people around you are so stupid that they will not understand? Well, not all!

Only if he understands that talking to people about the person who you claim to be in love with while probably transitioning from your existing love to know if the 'new one' loves you back is like trying to find a destination using google maps when there is all likelihood that you may have a bad network! Worse of all, you are not sure where you want to go! Hahaha! I don't share the most personal things with the closest of my people. If he felt he could lead me into opening up to strangers about my feelings for him, he is a fool. If he liked me, he should have spoken to me. Period. True relationships need the absence of third parties, and plots and blame games. Only if he could understand that!

Only if he told me what he felt without constantly gauging how deep the water is and if my answer is going to be a 'yes', as if it's not expressing love...it is winning some goddamn contest where everything depends on a fucking strategy which when I had shared with him he took upon his 'supposedly' developed ego which I have my doubts about! Only if knew the difference between living life in its innocence and wholeness and was able to separate it from his whimsical dependencies for always being the 'most popular' and 'accepted' and 'number one' on all fronts of his life. Well, learn to channelize your need for attention first! I am glad you failed at something because of me!

Only if the people who he influenced had also tried to understand my side of the story when I was relentlessly expressing myself, struggling through other difficulties and trying to make things work for myself on my work and personal front while ignoring all the nonsense that was going on around because of him. I do not understand why people chose to be fooled by his smart, sharp, beforehand priming of their thoughts. I really don't.

Lastly,

ONLY IF I COULD STOP EXPECTING.

What hurts me the most is that I am still hoping that someday he will see the light in himself. That which is there in every human being. Does he have it or he does not? I really do not know.

It hurts me that he is so dead from within.

It hurts me to even contemplate what he must have gone through to be where he is now.

And it hurts me to not be able to stop caring for him despite all the pain that I am going through.

I wish all this was over.

I wish I would never let go of the grip that I now have over myself, something that I worked for so hard for so long.

I wish I be happy again whether he is there or not.

I wish I stop reminiscing him and start living my life which is slipping through my fingers each moment.

I wish he tells me someday that he is happy without me and that he will always be so because I want him to see and feel the love in its purest form the way I felt. Love that is beyond one's 'sense of self' and 'being' and 'ego'.

I wish he understands that I never expected him to change which he subtly expected and forced upon me, manipulated me even when he was not sure if he really wanted me.

I wish he loves someone else and he never hurts her.

I wish all of this wasn't the way it is!

I wish I stop loving him someday...

And I really wish I stop wishing anything after all this and get back with those I lost because of him. I wish the people in my life get some sense back and see me for who 'I am' and 'was' to them and 'what we shared' before he came in my life and ruined everything beautiful that I had by influencing everyone with his twisted presumptions like a mindless storm turns everything to ruins.

I wish that the balance be restored in my life even when he is not there.