Destiny Despite The Monsters

Part-1 “The Monster”

 On one winter evening in Bangalore, Farhan a tenth grader had an epiphany which unfortunately happened to be exactly as he thought before we talk about his realization lets talk about him a bit. He was admitted to a boarding school after the rise of communal violence in the state of Uttar Pradesh where he was born. It was difficult for his parents to send him to the hostel at the tender age of ten, but it was for his good. Farhan was a skinny, athletic, not fairly skinned, confused in life and almost introvert when he began his life in Bangalore. He had successfully managed to make it to tenth grade without any hiccups. His transition from fifth to tenth grade had been fairly impressive, he had become a consummate footballer and was also involved in the school hockey team. Farhan was nicknamed “man with no bones” as his dribbling skills were admired by the entire school. But when it came to academics he was just another average boy, if not for the footballing skills people would not recognize him. 

 It was November of 2013, Farhan observed a strange behavior in himself of repeating the task he has already done. He would repack his school bag after packing it once, he would check on the lock of his locker again and again, he would read the same sentence a numerous times even though he understood it, believe me, the list is not exhaustive of this strange behavior, to read a page of his textbook he took four times the time taken by a normal person.

Farhan did not know that he was suffering from OCD, an anxiety disorder that necessitates the performance of certain actions based on the fake compulsions created in one’s head. Let's say he had a monster in his head who was not friendly to him, which would gain its strength from the release of stress cortisol in his head. Farhan was stressed as the very hyped up board exams were scheduled to be in a few months' time, it was due to this stress that the symptoms of his OCD were increasing. He had no idea what was happening to him, so he could not ask for help, he could not articulate the problem to his parents.

Farhan: ”Mummy I am scared of something”

Mom: “Bolo beta, kya hua, sab theek hai?”

Farhan: “Haan mummy, its just board exams, aur sab theek hai”

 This is the maximum he could tell, he had now become a below-average student scoring just fifty percent in his board exams. The good news is that this monster could not effect his footballing skills, which is the reason he started focusing more and more on sports.

Part-2 “The Girl”

 Farhan with his selected group of friends used to attend Sunday school. Sunday school is a class held on Sundays to teach children about Christianity or Judaism, a common practice in convent schools. It was a coveted place as the girls also used to attend it, and it was the only time boys in all-boys schools get to experience the sweet presence or the companionship of girls around them, besides that it was full of activities, games, storytelling and valuable teachings. In one of those Sunday sessions, Farhan met Nila, a girl one year younger to him, of the same height as his, fair, long-haired, quick-witted and the deputy head of boarders in her school. She was born and brought up in Gulbarga a city in Karnataka. Farhan was still a naive boy and very vulnerable to everything with the monster sitting inside his head. He started to develop feelings for Nila and those feelings were reciprocated by her in their initial meetings. 

 Farhan an already below-average student now was drifting away from his academic focus, his parents were worried about his results, the maximum they could do is put pressure on Farhan to score well. But the pressure seemed to be futile now, as Farhan now is lost in the thoughts of Nila. After every Sunday school, all he used to do was wait for the next Sunday just so he could see her. Her name was scribbled in the back of all his notebooks, his friends could sense what was happening to him. 

 The boys' school and the girls' school was demarcated by a wall with no crossing points. And the only time the little couple could meet was during the Sunday school sessions provided both attended it. Their meetings were really short due to the paucity of time, and their conversations usually were about their school life and nothing serious. Since both of them were in boarding school, none of them were allowed to keep mobile phones so they would use the school computer lab to chat. She was his first love, and his feelings for her were very innocent with no ill will. A person with OCD continuously seeks for reassurance, which was apparent from Farhan’s actions, He could not focus on anything but her, it did affect his football also, his friends could sense the isolation he was looking for. Farhan needed the assurance that Nila also felt the same for him, so he asked her about it just before the finals of 11th grade.

Farhan: “Hii, Nila, I can hold it no more, the fact that I like you from the day I saw you. You are an amazingly beautiful girl and I would like to spend more time with you. Can I take you out for coffee or something after the final exams are over ?”

Nila: “Hmm Farhan, you are a very sweet boy, I am happy that I met you, but we are very different, there is nothing in for us, and I will be going home as soon as the exams are over.”

 He was depressed after this reality, his depression was aggravated because of the OCD in his head. Needless to say, he failed miserably in his finals with a sixteen percent result, his result may be the worst in entire school history. His parents were called from Uttar Pradesh the state which is called the “Heartland of India”. Only his dad Aditya had come, his dad was a tall, sturdy, well built and no signs of aging could be seen on him. Aditya was embarrassed by Farhan’s conduct and performance. 

Part-3 “The resurrection” 

 Farhan felt a sense of remorse only when his English teacher in front of the entire staff room yelled at Aditya “Your son does not deserve to study in twelfth grade”. Farhan knew now that he was completely destructed and its time for some firefighting to be done. But how will he regain his image that has been tarnished so bad? Aditya had requested a retest for his son, which he rightfully got. Farhan passed the retest after all this drama, and he also went on to pass the twelfth grade with sixty percent, and with a lot of difficulties as his anxiety disorder showed no signs of abating. Aditya sighed with relief that at-least his son had graduated, But Farhan could not afford to be complacent as he knew a deeper damage control is to be done. And by this time his entire family had developed a notion that he was good for nothing. Of course, they had the right to think like that for a boy who scored sixty percent in his board exams, where even ninety percent is sometimes not enough.

 Farhan’s parents had no idea as to what his son was suffering from, and Farhan chose to handle it on his own. For under graduation he went to Mumbai, the commercial capital of India and also known as the city that never sleeps. He chose to pursue BCOM, the safest option he could think of given his mental health, as the course dint involve much of complications. Now in Mumbai, his frequency of playing any sport reduced significantly which he despised. Only a few colleges in Mumbai have a ground, and he was in one which had none. Right after his admission process, he decided to go see a psychiatrist for help. He was diagnosed with OCD, an anxiety disorder, which could not be cured but controlled. At least now he knew the monster he was up against, and he was ready for a fight, he had now given an identity to the monster and challenged him for an eternal fight. 

  Farhan was taking his medications, he was on a controlled diet and he did exercise regularly to tame the monster. He showed signs of improvement, but still, lot had to be done, it was just the tip of the iceberg. He was advised to ignore his anxious thoughts, as those repetitive thoughts were fake and futile, ignoring was the most difficult part. Any stressful situation would increase the symptoms of anxiety in him, to vent out he used to cry silently at night. He had recently observed the development of new compulsive behavior in him of repeating any recent conversations in his head. He had made it to the second year of BCOM with all these new developments in his life. By now Farhan was frustrated with all the things talked about him by his immediate family members, about his inability to do well in academics and in life generally, it was evident that he was being compared to his cousins. He felt the sudden urge to prove everyone wrong including his monster, and himself. 

 With the start of 2nd year of BCOM, he decided to pursue CA, which is considered to be one of the toughest exams to clear with only four to ten percent passing rate. Of course everyone was skeptical about these chances, and he loved the skepticism of the people. He took it as a driving force. He registered for the course and got started with it, his classes had started and he had to manage his BCOM college, his CA classes, his self-study time and his OCD. Farhan's life in Mumbai was totally occupied with his studies and he had no time for anything else. In Mumbai, he was staying in a rented flat with his first cousins who were five of them all doing something varied. 

 Farhan had become disciplined and he did not waste time in frivolous stuff college students do in Mumbai. He had taken a membership in a library adjacent to his home, where he would spend the entire day when he decided to bunk his college. He had become a very different boy than he was in school but let us not ignore his OCD. He still had bad days, days during which his anxiety would be at its summit which would hamper his reading speed, but he managed to fight it out, to resist it, to tolerate it, to embrace the reality.

Farhan had easily cleared the entrance test, and now he had to prepare for level 2 exam which had a four percent passing rate, it seemed overwhelming but Farhan never focused on this low percent, he had his eyes on his studies, which he did day and night, never ever he has studied like this. Farhan knew he had to work extra hard because he was slow due to his anxiety disorder which made him read the same sentence again and again. He even accompanied his studies with some meditation sessions. But he didn't shy away from the hard work. Let's not hide the fact that besides all this hard work, Farhan had a crush, and can you guess who it was? It was Nila, the girl from school days. Yes, he still did not get over her, no one can say why. He made it a point to be in touch with her and she was decent enough to not let go of this sweet friend. They talked on WhatsApp but it was like once in a month. 

 Farhan had now given his level 2 exams with all the enduring hard-work, and now he had a precious two months to rest before the results were out. And as the time of his results were around the corner, he had traveled to Bangalore for a reunion with his school friends, and surprisingly Nila also had agreed to meet him for a dinner in one of the famous burger joints of Bangalore. It was the first time Farhan was meeting Nila outside the school campus, and it was a time of bliss which he had rejoiced. Farhan had some kind of fault in his stars. That day of bliss had a thorn in it. His results were coming out at 8:00 PM, the time he would be having dinner with Nila. Given his anxiety disorder, he would have locked himself in a dark room counting the time left for his results had it not been for Nila. He was calm and unfazed like a monk, and very importantly he was not worried. Such is the power of the girl you love. Nila knew his results were out.

Nila: “Farhan, You have to check your results now. Not a request this is an order.”

Farhan: “I cant”.

Nila: “Why you can’t ?”

Farhan: “Because I don't want to cry in front of you”.

 Given the strictness of paper checking in CA exams, Farhan knew his chances of passing were fifty-fifty. And somehow Nila managed to persuade him to check his results. Farhan felt a choking sensation after he realized what he was going to do, he was about to check whether his last nine months were futile or not. Farhan logged in to the web portal, entered his details and clicked on show result tile. By this time he had covered his phone screen with a tissue paper so he could let it come slowly to him. He checked his scores one by one, not breathing, oblivious to anything happening around him. PASS. Boom, those were four beautiful letters he saw at the end. He was in tears, and nothing can be more ecstatic of him sharing those moments with Nila. 

“No hurdle is a hurdle until you believe it to be”