Candid Conversation

I tried to get some sleep amidst the gentle snoring of my co-passengers in the first class compartment of my train, which was to reach Munnar at 4 am. The train was gently rocking everyone to sleep, but tonight, sleep eluded me for some reason. I checked my watch and it was 11 pm and thought to myself, “If I try to get some sleep right now, then I will get four hours”. I shut my eyes and there it was – all of it; my school, my college, my first kiss, heartbreak, my first job, the confusions, the decisions and of course, the reasons.
Unable to sleep, I opened my eyes and I started staring at the faint blue light from the lamp in our coupe. It reminded me of the small room where I used to shut myself as a child when I was upset.
My father held the bicycle from the back and said, “Just start pedaling, don’t worry.” So, I started pedaling and I could feel the air, feel my fear dissolve and then I looked back; my father was standing there at a distance. I panicked, lost control and fell on cow dung. It felt so dirty and I was furious at papa for letting go. Papa came running towards me, picked me up. I got furious and shouted at him,”Why did you let go off my cycle?” I left my cycle there in the park and went directly to my sulking corner, turned on the blue light and cried for a while. My mother lured me out with food and papa was standing there smiling, and he said “Fear is why you fail and accidents happen all the time. Dont let that affect you." Go out. Be adventurous."

My graduation day, I kept checking my phone. Why has Rishi not reached? Why has he not messaged? Has he forgotten, but I reminded him yesterday to come. The director called my name and broke my chain of thoughts. My name was amongst the special mention list for cracking the best placement in the campus. When I held my certificate and trophy, nothing felt right. I went for this course because it would mean that I can be close to Rishi and that, is what he had suggested. In those two years, we met thrice and I had lost count of the number of fights we had. This job, the one for which I was getting a special mention, I took it because it would mean I could stay close to Rishi, and that, again, was as Rishi wanted. I feared that distance would do us apart, but today, he was not there, nowhere close. Later one day, I stared at my graduation photo on Facebook, and kept switching off and on the blue light thinking, papa was right; fear won again and I lost

That January night, seven corporate slaves, including me drank all our worries; everything was blurred but my mind was clear. I wanted to end things with Rishi, not because of what he had done. Only because I did not love him, not just anymore but never had I loved him. I did not want to be dishonest with him and myself anymore. Five years was a long time, but longer still, was the wait of that one honest day, which we never got to spend.

My first promotion! My team lead handed me the letter and congratulated me. I was feeling like a child who got her first ink pen to write after years of writing with a pencil. I was happy and then suddenly got confused. I never wanted to be an ‘analytics’ person. I never wanted to sit behind a laptop looking through the world in a virtual manner. I did not want the temperature around me to be 24 degree Celsius all the time. I never wished to not know when the sun rose and what a sunset looked like. What did I want then actually? Well…, no answer came to my mind so…, might as well be happy with this.

Suddenly I heard a sound. I turned towards the door to check and it was the slowest, I had seen a door slide.
A child peeped through the door and looked straight into my eyes. She said, “I did not sign up for this life”. I started to explain “I am doing this for the money, the loans. I have a plan in my mind. Trust me! I will pursue writing once…; the sound of the crossing train whistling to merry woke me up. I had slept, I realized.

Quickly I checked the time - 3:30 am. I switched off the blue light in the coupe and turned on my iphone torch to take out the briefcase and get ready for my station.
I had not realized that my childhood was upset with my youth; up until this dream.