After She Died, Did She? - Grief

No, I am not okay I am not fine. I feel shattered broken into pieces bit by bit, I am trying to be okay and accept it but I am not able to, I really don't have anyone whom I can talk to or anyone who won't judge me for being over sensitive and sentiment. I have gotten much better than I was since I lost her. Trying to move on and trying, to be like "the world and those people" who say “move on, it will get better”. But I really can't understand that, cause it doesn't feel better you just start acting better like you are normal but the fact is you are not, and you can have that moment anytime in your day or night. You can start feeling trapped at any moment.

How much harder I try it doesn't go off of my mind. Over and over her face and her lying dead in the house surrounded by people.

I was even scared to death to see you dead. I already told myself no you can't see her like this, so don't go don't see her. She can't be dead, the whole 5 hours drive and she is in my mind. I was hating every fraction of that time, all I wanted to do is to go to sleep and not wake up, and even if I did, I wanted to forget everything. I was wishing it to just remain as a nightmare and wake up next morning and telling myself thank god it was just a nightmare…but the truth is it wasn't a nightmare.

The moment I arrived home, I did not want to get down from the car, I was never ready to see this my cousin dragged me out of the car my brother in law dragged me inside the house telling me go, go see her, at that moment my on expression was scream, I was screaming and screaming I was screaming hard so that you will hear me up and tell me to stop this and say "I am alright, I am here baby Its okay".

But it was not okay you didn't move.

I felt deceived by fate like the entire universe has cheated on me.

After being pushed next to you I saw you,

Dressed up all red, You looked like a doll, an innocent child, unaware of anything else around you, and the calm on your face, it felt like as if you were trying to say something without those words it felt like you gonna wake up any minute. or you are just pretending to sleep... deep sleep or you were playing a game that you were not supposed to move. So I wanted to make sure you are not plying this game with us.

I could still not believe that whole situation, I touched you. when I did so, your hand felt soft still warm. and I was like"Oh God it's you, MOM" then I touched your belly it felt rock hard….that moment...”I wished the death upon me right away”...

Four days ago. I touched you and your belly..it wasn't like this, then I knew you are gone, MOM. I felt you were not there. 

I walked with the people to the mortuary, you were still and kept walking with them, we all reached they started to prepare woods and get everything ready to say goodbye to your earthly body and turn it into ashes. It all looked like a fake game to me.

So that's how we all end up and all the living creatures. They told me to lit up the fire upon your body, as a part of rituals it's considered a good thing that children to do this to their parents but basically I was to burn your body how could this be even a right... so did the other cousins did and here the higher and higher flame burning everything up. that pretty face, that pretty body and pretty your favourite long hair of yours, GONE. All gone.

So, That day and till now, Anybody or anyone came and said something to me, I had only one question to them, that, yes I know now she is gone, but gone where? is she really in a better place? one thing, I could agree was, she was definitely not there or else I would have felt her but what happens now? So this is it?

It is over the drama of life is over?

I know, I am not the only person who has lost someone but my question to the world is if this is what suppose to happen then where is the real end to this cycle?