A Part of me...

A long time ago my family(my father, my mother, my younger sister and me) lived in Delhi. We were a happy family like all families but due to some financial and family issues my parents separated. We(my mother, younger sister and me) moved to Nani's house in Etah and my father lived in Delhi. 

Some years passed and we got a call from Tauji (my father's elder brother) at night at 2.30 A.M.

Tauji was telling us to come to Delhi for papa's burial ceremony since he was dead. When this happened I was in 8th class. We all came to Delhi and did all the burial services. I was just crying but deep down I don't really know what are they doing to my papa and what is the meaning of all this. 

Currently my age: 23 years old, 15 years have been passed from papa's incident. 

This is the current situation that I've gone through in my present time. 

One day, I got a call from Jeete Mamji and Lavi(sister), I was in Agra, and they were asking me to come Etah right now, Nanaji is really sick. So I came and crossing my fingers all the way. 

When Rickshaw wala dropped me at the gate, I saw Bhole Mamaji in the street. At that moment a fight started in my head, "Nothing happend... he's fine". As I came closer I found a lot of people sitting in front of the door. A terrible feeling that had taken over my mind, I was scared to death. As I saw Nanaji from the front door I went so cold, horrified and weak that I wasn't able to hold my bags and it fell down from my grasp, it all happend in a moment then Pulkit(cousin) came in and he took my bags and I was rushing in and crying. Meena Mamiji held me and she was trying to console me. And as I saw Nanaji I went more cold and horrified as I was seeing him, there was another memory that was playing in front of my eyes was so vivid and alive. I was feeling that the memory that was playing in my mind was the real one that is currently happening. The memory was of my dad's funeral ceremony. My Nanaji's was lying in the exact in same position as my papa did. All of them came infront of my eyes. Now I realised all the pain that was piercing through my heart what exactly was it. They all will do the same thing with Nanji that they have done 15 years ago to my papa. 

I was screaming so loudly then mum held me and I cried so loudly. At that moment she doesn't really know what was going on in my mind, so she said Nanaji was sick for 2 Months. Then I held her so tightly and screamed...."Papa ki yaad aa rahi hai". Afterward everybody comforted me but I cried for like 1 hour or more. All day as everybody was preparing for Nanaji's burial services, I was in a world of my own without even asking me they all (memories) grabbed me so tightly in there arms that I was suffocating all day, taken back to that day(dad's funeral) in my memories.

From then I was feeling so unsettled, not at peace. I'm not able to see the photograph of Nanaji and pay any respect to him. Because in his photo I can see only dad. I'm scared. Not in peace. Never felt like this before. But after that day something changed I don't particularly hate my dad. 

From then I was trying to remember dad's touch. 

That day when I bring the photo albums(my childhood photos with my family). For you guys(cousins) it was fun to see photos and make fun of it. But that was different for me. I was trying to observe that was he happy when he was with us, in our happy times(mum lavi papa and me)?

These days I'm trying to find some courage and ask mum what he (dad) was like? 

Did he love me too like every father in the world? 

Did he play with me everytime? 

Did he make me sleep like Praveer(my little nephew)? 

Did he love me more or Lavi (my sister)? 

So many questions like this in my mind but I don't know if it's right to ask her(mum). It will take her to good times but it will give her pain too as how good we were and what happened after some time.