A fiction short story : Solace

DISCLAIMER

This is a work of fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this Story are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

“Life is full of suffering!” Swami Dayanand said.

He was addressing a bhajni-mandal at the city’s oldest temple.

“We all have to suffer” proclaimed Swamiji in his calm soothing voice. “After all, did Lord Ram also not have to go to exile for 14 long years?” Swamiji questioned.

And did not wait for any answer.

For his questions were almost always answers themselves. Complete and irrefutable.

The thousand odd faces sitting in front of him seemed to understand his discourse, for they moved their heads in unison and in a common way of understanding. Even the person sitting in the remotest corner of the huge temple was touched, influenced.

Only Sameer Dighe was not. And he was sitting in the first row!

While the crowd was lured by Swamiji’s words, comforted by his voice, soothed by his bhajans, Sameer remained untouched and distant.

This was the 8th time that he had visited a temple in search of Solace, answers and the meaning of his life.

Not a single visit had helped.

This was his last try, he had promised himself.

“Swamiji’s bhajan, kirtans are divine. He has millions of followers all around the world. Even the VIP throng at his gatherings.” His best friend Nilesh had cajoled him the day before.

VIP, VVIP …………all these words appeared to be mere words to him, devoid of any meaning, any flavor.

Sameer became conscious of the dull pain in his head, the ache in his heart. Suddenly his head was spinning, his heart was hurting, his breathe was becoming more labored, his legs heavy, his body light.

He reached for the painkiller tablet that his family doctor had prescribed to him a week before. “A strong analgesic will do you good” Dr. Swati had said, fully aware that his problem was more psychological than physical.

“Nothing’s wrong with my body, it’s only in my mind!” Sameer wanted to shout out aloud.

Sameer knew Dr. Swati knew what was wrong with him and she knew that he knew what was wrong with him.

“The cycle of life and death is inevitable. What is born has to die. Life is not permanent. Death is only inevitable thing in life………………” Swami was going on discoursing.

Sameer got up. His head was hurting too much, he thought that it would just burst. The mention of Life and Death always did that to him.

He stumbled through his way through the spiritual gathering, while people who were being disturbed by his movements, were grumbling and he was mumbling something to himself.

“Foolish people!” Sameer almost yelled at himself. “Silly people, they are discomforted and disturbed merely by a person walking past them disturbing their bhajans. And act as if they are so troubled, annoyed, tortured. If only they knew what torture is! If only they had suffered what I have suffered!”

“And what does the Swamiji know about suffering himself? Living like a King, traveling like a VIP, staying at VIP places. If only he knew what suffering is!” Sameer was speaking to himself, as he often did. “No!” Sameer decided with an air of finality “There is no solace in Swamiji’s teachings. No depth in his words” Sameer said to himself bitterly.

His best friend Nilesh who had become almost his shadow from the past few days, helped Sameer in his car and drove him to his home.

His empty home!

His empty home from the past few torturous days!

‘No, he wanted to be alone!’ Sameer made it clear to his friend Nilesh.

Nilesh was a dear friend, accompanying him everywhere from the past few days.

But Sameer had got the strange feeling that even Nilesh was getting a bit less enthusiastic and eager to help Sameer these days. 

It was then that Sameer realized that he had to live alone, fight his battles alone and face life alone.

But first, he had to get his facts right. He wanted to know the meaning of life itself.

He put the key in the lock and opened his door to his plush apartment.

The neighbor Mrs. Sinha’s cat Lucy squeaked as he accidentally had put his foot on her. Once again, Sameer was irritated by Lucy’s sight.

He had always hated cats on sight. They were so ugly, dirty, greedy…………….he could go on and on.

What irritated him the most was Lucy’s habit of always sleeping on the mat near his door, never once bothering to sleep on the mat near her owner’s door.

On an impulse, he kicked her. Lucy screamed a dull scream and landed with a dull thud near the wall. Sameer was surprise at his capacity to get angry and irritated. He felt that he no longer had these feelings. He only had pain and frustration left inside him.

He went inside his empty home.

His mind knew that it was empty and was going to be empty.

Then why did he expect his wife to come out of her bedroom with her hair astray, brown comb in her hand and his 2 year old daughter Reene to look up from her game and run towards him?

Where they both not dead? Of course! They were!

He had fully understood it when he had seen their bodies. Their very still bodies.

Then why did he not accept it?

‘Understanding loss is different than accepting it!’ he had remarked to himself.

‘Enough of it now!’ He scolded to himself.

Now he was going to teach himself to live and cook and sew and play and earn and learn.

Without them.

But first, he had to find the meaning of life itself. Of his meaningless life.

“Did they experience any pain?”

“Could I have helped?”

“Was it the doctor’s fault?”

“Or the authorities?”

“Did they have a rebirth? If so, where and as what?”

And above all, the basic questions to which he desperately wanted an answer.

“What was my fault?”

“Why did I survive?”

“Why do we live if only to die later and hurt someone?”

He wanted to ask Swami Dayanand all these questions and more.

But when he went in front of Swami Dayanand and Swamiji asked him “What do you want?” he had merely wept and wept.

And wept for long.

For how long, he does not know, but Nilesh his friend had to use all his physical and mental strength to remove him from his place near Swamiji and drop him home, give him a shot to put him to sleep.

Deep sleep.

Where even nightmares would not dare disturb him!

‘That was last week. Or was it ten days ago?’ His mind had become a vegetable, he couldn’t think clearly or did not want to think clearly.

Sameer had stayed in his flat, in a dormant state for about a week or perhaps two weeks. Only God knows how many days!

He had lost count or obviously they just didn’t matter to him for all days were same now- there was no difference between a Friday and a Monday, a weekend and a week day, they just came and went and seemed the same to Sameer for all he could experience in all the days was the same pain, the same anguish- so all the days were the same to him.

Friends and neighbors came and went.

Dr. Rao offered him some ‘prasad’ from the nearby temple, someone gave him a ‘rudraksha’ for meditation and mental peace, Sheila aunty taught him the Gayatri mantra and taught him the exact way to recite it for its full impact and soothing and calming effect. Some quoted shlokas or motivational thoughts to uplift him in life.

None, could however, explain the meaning of life to him.

None could give him the only answers that mattered to him.

‘Why am I alive?’ he asked himself over and over again.

A scream in the nearby park disturbed his thoughts!

Atharav, his neighbor’s son was yelling at the top of his voice. A small crowd had gathered around him. Concerned neighbors dropped everything that they were doing and rushed towards the direction of the scream. Curious onlookers added to the crowd, swelling it up.

Mrs. Sinha, his neighbor, was hysterical. Sameer rushed to the spot. He learnt everything in a split second.

Mrs. Sinha’s pet cat Lucy’s two kittens had been crushed by the speeding SUV. 

“Poor Lucy! She has lost everything!” yelled Mrs. Sinha, at the top of her voice, her loud voice choking heavily. For once, everyone forgave Mrs. Sinha for her loud voice and her high pitch and even pitied her!!

Lucy, the cat, was deeply shocked, refusing to eat or drink anything for three days. She did not even look at her favorite ‘kheer’ or biscuits.

Mrs. Sinha was a picture of sorrow herself.

‘Ridiculous!’ Sameer thought to himself, somehow he could not associate the vivacious, talkative, energetic Mrs. Sinha with sorrow.

But for the first time, Sameer felt close to Lucy.

‘Common bonding! Common feelings of loss! Maybe’ Sameer said to himself.

Subconsciously, his thoughts used to wander towards Lucy, his most hated creature till then.

He would go to Lucy and pet her, comfort her with a touch or words, cajole her to drink milk. It had been five days since Lucy had had proper food. And not just Mrs. Sinha, but everyone, Sameer including, was deeply worried.

Lucy was in a deep mourning for a week. Mrs. Sinha for two weeks.

It had been a week since Lucy’s kittens had been killed.

It had been a week since Lucy had not taken milk.

Sameer decided that it was high time that he did something about her, for her. She had to drink milk to survive.

Hence, he prepared her favorite ‘Kheer’, put it lovingly in a saucer and took it with immense love to Mrs. Sinha’s place.

Mrs. Sinha opened the door, looked at the covered saucer in his hands and at once understood what it meant and smiled a mother’s satisfaction.

“It’s not necessary!” Mrs. Sinha said, calmly.

Sameer thought that she was only being polite and socially correct.

But it was really true!

A peep in Mrs. Sinha’s house told Sameer that it was really not necessary.

Lucy was sitting in her favorite place and drinking milk, greedily and rapidly.

With a contented look, she got up and started playing ball with Atharva.

Sameer had got his answer!

A cat had taught him what he could not understand in spite of reading to so many religious teachings and bhajans.

He understood the meaning of life!

Life is to be lived for life’s sake!!

He now had his mantra to survive.

He felt stronger, reached for his mobile and called up his boss and told him to expect him in office the next Monday.

He had finally found Solace in life, from observing the life of a cat!