And The Time Passed by

I do not like the month of January as it is cold, damp and devoid of emotions. It was during this month a year ago that I was diagnosed with a clot in my brain. A year before the diagnosis I met with a road accident. It was a severe one as a speeding bike collided with my bicycle. During the time of my recuperation, no abnormalities were detected but two weeks after my discharge from the hospital I started to get frequent shocks of headache. I avoided the pain for as long as I could and heavily consumed aspirin.

A year of avoidance and dependence on aspirin my body gave up and the next I saw when I opened my eyes was the ceiling of the room that I detest, the hospital ward. 14 January was the date and it was Lohri. I had gone to the terrace with my brother for kite-flying and it was then that I fainted.

When I woke up my mother was sitting beside me with tear-jerked eyes and all I could say was, "don't cry, ma." I got a fair idea of what was coming my way with all depressing, gloomy and angry energies floating around me.

I know! It was my fault for not communicating my troubles and trying to cope up by myself. I know! Even I never wanted it to develop into something life threating. I had the next seven years of my life planned and now I only had approximately two years of life left.

The doctor had advised a major operation for the removable of the clot which would cost a whopping₹30,00,000. With this amount, I can go on a world tour. And if I do not get the operation done then I will have to live with a recurring headache with no possible remedy. The worst-case scenario is that it might develop into a serious neuro condition in which I could get amnesia and gradually forget my reflexes, lose track of time or mix the time spheres and what not other symptoms the doctor babbled about.

The operation amounted equal to a mega fortune for my family. With this amount, the expenses of my sister's wedding and the leftover education expenses of my brother and I can be covered. Moreover, this operation did not guarantee 100% success. So, against the will of my parents, I decided to do away with the operation. It made my family unhappy and getting them to comply with my decision was hard because they wanted me to take the operation. After a month of quarrels and convincing attempts, they gave in to my decision.

With this victory, I was set upon another challenge of healing my family. My condition was known to everyone but not acceptable to anyone. Of course, no parent would want to cremate their young child. According to the doctor's judgement I had at most two years of life left.

Life moved with the usual pace of chores of college, studies, friends and family drama. The living elements of my life were drained of vitality and everyone's face was already mourn stricken. Their miserable faces made me feel like a ruthless dictator with no consideration for others. I had to make my family and friends realise that it was no use of feigning reality. The only way I could decipher was becoming a part of their melancholic game where the one with most gloomy attitude took the trophy.

It was June and my family planned a trip which I had begged them for since my childhood. I guess perks of being ill or as I must put being on death bed. According to my plan, I turned on my gloomy and shady behaviour and all the way to our destination I behaved irritated and quiet. No one was especially chirpy but I was dead quiet. Five hours of a car ride and we reached Dalhousie.

At the hotel, I cracked up with anger claiming that the destination was not to my liking and I wanted to go to a beach and all the other excuses I could come up with. I understand that making such a ruckus on a family trip was heartbreaking, otherwise, even the trip would not have been all gay and memorable.

My parents were devastated at my behaviour and my sister tried to pacify me. I paid no heed to their efforts and shut myself in a room. To while away my time I penned down a letter to my family explaining my viewpoint.

Dear family,

I understand what you are going through as I know I am the one who put you in this situation. Believe me when I say that I rejected the operation for all of us. As for the operation you would have borrowed money yet the uncertainty of my survival lurked.

You might have thought, " what if she would have survived?" Let us not ignore the other possibility which is my death. Then I would have left you neck drowned in loan and no resources left for my siblings. I do not want to carry worries to my afterlife. I want to die carefree so that is why I chose not to take the operation.

Accepting this decision is difficult for all of us but let us all make an effort together to come over this obstacle. Let us live with it, not with melancholy but with happiness.

Just like this Dalhousie trip which you want for us to be memorable and joyful. So, let's make it! And also the rest of our time together.

P.S. - it was all an act and I love that you brought me here and into this world.

Yours lovingly,

Your second child

After reading the letter we all cried for hours and let out our bottled emotions. It was the second time in my life that I had seen my father crying. The first was on my maternal grandfather's death. After all the weeping and apologising we quietened down and planned our trip ahead.

The transition of my family's acceptance was slow and steady. By October, they were normal it was not the everyday normal but normal. My condition had its own mood swings swinging in between slow headaches to migraines lasting for days. It had become a part of my daily life. My family and friends were living with me in my daily life scene. I did not want to leave a wound wide open behind me so I did all I could to stitch it together and heal it.

On the morning of 19 January, I did not wake up from my slumber. I went to the afterlife relaxed and leaving a note behind me which said, "Healing will be the most difficult task for all of you. My beloved, the thread of life will stitch back everything in place and the support of people will be your ointment. Take care."