Under The Stars

Her POV

 I entered the room and leaned against the door jamb. The room was gloomy. Like on a rainy day. It felt cold. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head rested on the headboard. He looked exhausted. An aura of melancholy surrounded him. And mine mirrored his.

My breathing which was now fast and heavy must have caught his attention. He opened his eyes. Without looking at me he heaved a heavy breath. I was very much familiar with that heave. Deja `vu. Two years I faced this day but still not a single cell of my body was ready for it. I knew he was guilty of thinking about another woman. For thinking about "her". I knew why and I also understood him. It was "her" Birthday.

Seconds passed between us. No one spoke. I knew I had to leave but something was holding me back. Maybe the little string of hope that this time around it will be different.

Finally, he looked up at me with those tired and sad eyes. I knew the emotion in them very well.

I heard the breaking of the string of hope. I pushed myself off the doorjamb and stepped out of the room. I closed the door behind myself and started walking towards the kitchen. Steps even and steady. It was like I have had this same walk before. Like I have been through this. Indeed I have. Opening the fridge I took a carton of beers and headed towards the terrace balcony of the room across the hall. It was completely isolated from the other rooms. This was my favorite room, in fact, our favorite room because it had the bed on the terrace. We put it there so that we could sleep under the blanket of stars. I remembered in agony the day we decided to put the bed here. I was way too happy. It was a wonderful memory. A perfect moment we shared.

I recalled all the nights we looked at the stars canoodling each other and talking about everything and nothing. I remembered all the mornings when he groaned as the sunrays caressed his face. I remember all the middle of the nights when he'd spoon me closer into him as I tried to stir away. I remembered all the temple kisses and sweet nothings he whispered in my ears as I fell asleep in his embrace.

A memory of him gazing at the stars popped in my head and I felt a pang of hurt as I realized how that was one of the things I loved about him. A cold breeze came by and I shivered as I came out of my trance.    

I sat on the bed and stared at the sea. The silent crashing of waves along the shore. Cold yet soft breeze teasing my hair. Full moon. Stars spread across the horizon. It was serene. But I was feeling anything but peaceful. I was so dazed that even the stars glittering over the canvas of dark night didn't dilate my pupils.

I took a sip of the beer and gave myself to alcohol as I drowned in my misery.

 

His POV

She left. She didn't say anything, nor did she make a scene, no fights, no arguments. Nothing. She just left. She gave me space. Two years I appreciated her understanding behavior but today I didn't want the space she was giving me. As soon as she closed the door behind herself the room felt cold. I felt cold. It was as if she was the sun on a gloomy day. I missed her warm chocolate brown eyes staring into my dark brown ones and baring my soul. Her mushy cuddles. Her curly hair tickling my face. Her small hands in my big ones. Her small figure curled up beside me. Her lips split into a wide grin showcasing her not so pretty teeth. My lips tugged up a little bit at that thought. How she never gave a damn about the little gap in her teeth. The memory etched in my mind. I missed her presence around me. I missed her existence in the picture of my life.

Suddenly, I realized I wasn't thinking about the person I usually thought on this day. Instead, I was thinking of the last person I would think about on this day. I didn't miss "her". Hell, I didn't even think about "her".

While I was trying to comprehend what was going on with me my body seemed to have grown a mind of itself. I stood up abruptly still confused as hell. My mind went numb and my body seemed to know better. I opened the door and started walking. I had no idea where I was going but still, I didn't stop. I was too busy trying to figure out the mess in my head to care. I gave into the unnatural force that seemed to be guiding me. Soon enough I found myself in our other bedroom far across the hall. The one with the terrace-balcony and a view of the sea. Her favorite room. As the thought crossed my mind my eyes shifted towards the balcony and my adventure across the hall seemed to find its treasure. Right there she was sitting on our bed on the balcony. A picture of the day when we put it there flashed in my mind. She was so happy. The memory warmed up my heart and a smile found its way to my lips. I tip toed across the room to lean against the curvature frame of the terrace's entrance.

She didn't notice me. Good. Her small figure was illuminated by the moonlight. She was staring straight ahead of her in oblivion. She looked hypnotized. She was either amused by the beauty of the night or engrossed deep in her thoughts. The later seemed more believable considering the situation. She looked fragile. Vulnerable. She looked as calm as the sea. Serene, I might say. But something told me it was the silence before the storm. While I was captivated by her sight the moonlight reflecting from near her eye caught my attention. It reflected a tear. I had the utmost urge to not let it fall down. But I was curious about this whole scenario. So I stayed in my place.

She didn't move an inch the whole time. It was starting to freak me out. I had never seen her this way before.

Now the tears were streaming down her face. She didn't do anything other than taking an occasional sip from her beer. I saw as she finished another bottle. 3 down. She was not lightheaded but 3 beers could get anyone a bit tipsy. The silent tears now turned into heavy sobs. The deluge I had suspected.

My heart broke into pieces at the sorry sight of her. All I wanted to do was collect her in my arms, comfort her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear until she fell asleep. Tell her how perfect she was and how much I loved her. Loved her. I loved her. Yes. I loved her. My little confession to myself was so out of the blue that I felt my own mouth hanging open and eyes wide. My heart expanded with an unknown feeling. I felt complete again. A tingling sensation spread all over my body. My lips were split wide apart in a grin, it was as if I slept with a hanger in my mouth. I was over the moon happy. I wanted to hug her and tell her how much I loved her. And at this very moment, all I wanted was her. I have never wanted anything so badly in my life before.

My eyes shifted back to her figure as I came back from my thoughts. She was still sobbing, rather loudly. Shoulders shaking, face down. My heart once again broke into a million pieces. I mentally cursed myself for putting her in such a place. Determined now, I vowed to myself that I would mend this. I would mend her. Just as I was about to step out of the shadows her head snapped up. I froze in my spot. She looked towards the sky and started speaking.  

Why? She asked. Why her?

After a few seconds, I comprehended maybe she was addressing the almighty. Maybe not. Her next words brought me back.

All I ever did was love him. She said through her sobs. I did everything I could to make him forget the pain. To make him see his worth. To make him realize that he was not responsible for what happened.

She stopped for a moment and then continued. Will he ever notice me over her? Will, he ever love me back?

After hearing those words I felt like someone had punched me in the guts.

How come I never noticed her pain? How much she kept to herself and suffered alone? How much of a selfish asshole was I? When did I become so self-centered? 

I was so busy blaming myself for everything that I was hurting and ignoring her emotions and I didn't even realize it. She was quiet for some time while I stood there ashamed of myself. Some more seconds passed until she spoke again. This time voice quite and calm. Almost like a whisper.

She said. Do you know why I leave him alone without any objection? Why I give him space without asking for reasons?

She was still looking up at the sky addressing the invisible power/being but somehow I felt like she was talking to me. It was like those questions were asked to me without expecting an answer as she was the only one who knew them. Now I was even more curious because I always pondered over the same question.

Because. She spoke up again. I am selfish. She said after a pause.

She was looking down now rubbing the condensed droplets of water on the bottle of beer with her thumb. As if embarrassed. I was confused over her confession but her next words cleared the air.

Yes, I'm selfish. She said in a low voice still staring at the bottle of beer. It fucking hurts to see him think about "her". I cannot stand the fact that I'm not good enough. I cannot bear the thought that I will always be the second option and she will always be special to him in a different way. I sometimes wish I could wipe off "her" memory from his mind but that would be wrong and evil. Not that it is possible anyways. A sad chuckle left her lips as she laughed at her own misery.

This girl. She never fails to amuse me. Now I was losing control. I wanted to hold her and tell her that she was wrong. She was more than enough and she will always be my first choice and my only choice. 

You know. She continued. There is one more reason I leave him alone. Guilt. She said after taking a sip from the bottle. Five down. She was going to have a terrible hangover tomorrow. 

If I stay he will feel guilty for thinking about "her". Because he knows that it will hurt me. And he will blame himself for that. Even though none of it was his fault. I didn't want to make him feel guilty for something he doesn't even have control over. I didn't want to make him feel guilty for his emotions. I don't want to be the reason he feeling bad about himself. I don't want to hurt him like that. So leaving him alone was always the wise choice. Although, I wonder will this ever change. She said after a long pause.

This girl was so considerate about my feelings even though I was being a dick. Even though she was allowed to confront me, to ask for answers. Also, she wasn't obligated to be in this relationship, she could leave me. But she didn't. She stayed. She always stuck around. No matter what. This is how much she loved me. Damn. This made me feel so special. I promised myself that I will do anything and everything to make her feel the same way.

Even when her heart was ripping apart she still thought of me. Even though all this was killing her from inside she didn't say a word. I was sure I must have done something really nice in my past lives to be on the receiving side of her love. She was so perfect.

I didn't notice that my breathing had become loud and sharp while in my dumbstruck state. She must have noticed 'cause her head turned in my direction. My whole body went rigid. I was stupefied. Even in a drunk state, she had those vulcan ears. I was wishing she wouldn't spot me because it will be really embarrassing for her. She just confessed a lot of things and I don't think she wanted me to hear them. If she comes to know that I heard it all she will feel guilty for making me feel guilty for putting her in such a state.

She stared in my direction for some more time with narrowed eyes. I was well hidden in the dark of the night but the moonlight might give a hint of the outline of my body. Thanks to her drunken state of mind that her vision was blurred. She turned back to her beer and chugged down the contents in one go. 6 down. I relaxed a bit.

She had stopped crying by now. She just let herself fall back onto the bed. She must be exhausted. She stared at the stars for some time. She looked mesmerized by the sight. So was I by her sight. And my lips split into a grin as I realized that she is mine.

After a while, she turned her back to me and curled up wrapping her arms around herself. As if she was protecting herself. Just when I observed her breathing even out I slowly came out of the shadows and walked towards the bed. I removed my t-shirt and lied down beside her tugging her by the waist and pulling her into me in a spooning position.

I love you she mumbled in a groggy voice which took me by surprise but I recovered immediately and murmured I love you too in her ear while kissing her temple. For the first time in two years, I truly felt happy and overwhelmed with joy. And she was the reason. I didn't even realize in two years span when I became hers. I was drunk on her.

That night the last thought that crossed my mind before falling asleep was it's not about the first one it's about the right one and the only way to mend a broken heart is to learn to love again.  

 THE END.