Asha Sougaijam



Asha Sougaijam


The Other End - What It Takes

The Other End - What It Takes

8 mins

“Don’t bring the child into this.” Claimed Disha.

“After your motherhood, everything got bad to worst!” explained Rohan. 

 “I am not alone involved in this.” She reacted.

Arguments and fights mostly on the expenses after Anshu was born. They might have disagreed about important things about major family decisions, but it was altogether on the child’s upbringing. Or they might disagree about little matters that don’t seem that important- like what’s for dinner or how much time someone spent with them. Things always get heated up with the issues about the finances over the past 5 years.

It was a routine for Rohan and Disha to disagree and indicate from time to time. They even disagree about small things that don’t seem important at all- like what’s for dinner or what time someone gets home. They never brought off to talk about the disagreement in a calm way. Both never give another a chance to listen and to speak. Most arguments were a fight using words.

Sometimes when the parents fight, there was too much hollering and screaming, name calling, and too many harsh things said. Occasionally fighting goes too far and includes pushing and shoving, throwing things, or colliding with. Even if no one was physically hurt, an argument has passed too far when one uses threats to try to control the other.

Anshu would quietly listen to his parents in his room. It was difficult to hear his parents yelling at each other. Seeing them apart and upset, and out of control was throwing him off cliff….

How much his parents’ fighting bothered on how often it happened, how loud or intense things got, or whether his parents would ever start outback?

Anshu’s mind can be easy to leap to conclusions when he heard his parents arguing almost every day over the time they spent with him. Thoughts that pop into his little head was, “Does this mean I am the reason for this?” Or, “Are they charging me for all these fights between them?” Or Maybe the “love once was” is lost because of me?” 

Most of the time, he has been just reason to let off steam when parents have a bad day, don’t feel well, or are under a lot of tension.

Taking in how his parents never could resolve differences could give him information about how to handle the conflict and end, and how he might handle the never ending arguments in the time to come.

His parents used to get on well then; but at present, they constantly bicker and snipe at each other. And all these, he was fed up with being grabbed in the crossfire.

For him, he was conveyed in the environment where he was on the battlefield between his parents; and the topic was only about after his upbringing. With all this extra mental and emotional turmoil, he started to feel he was the reason of stress between his parents, like putting his parents into the situation. He considered he was the cause for upsetting his parents; arguing over him.

To end this relationship was the apology and make up, and the parents settle back into its usual bit.

Hopefully, they reach some compromise or agreement on their faults. Everyone feels better and life can come back to normal.

“Parents are responsible for their own actions and behaviours, no matter how much they are evoked by another person.” Disha’s mother confronted her daughter.

She sat in front of him looking exhausted. She was shaking with wrath as she recounts the injustices that have befallen on her and the family.

She lifted up her voice in hot and sharp tone, “It wasn’t wholly my idea to bring up our child this way!” 

On occassion she would choke on her words because the child was infront of her. But even though she didn’t actually see the situation, what the child was going through; she just pours all this on to the whole scenario after Anshu was born.

An audience of one. The perpetrator, the reason of such anger, bad bitterness, was him, the child of 5 thoughts.

Every bit a child, one of the worst things he could ever imagine was that the result of every fight was based on him. There were countless fights he could remember as a child of his age; but no avail. He has seen his parents always like this; the issue brought up was upon the 3. They argued, but only he ever hoped was that he was not brought into this fight… they complained only on the adding of the family and the expenditure.

At times, his mother used to complain about his father, but in a normal tone “pick up your dirty socks,” not like those ugly fights where his names was in tagged. 

“I wish I could turn back time to where we started.” Admitted Rohan.

It’s a declaration that doesn’t attain any of them feel good. 

Anshu looked at his mother who wept and ran inside the kitchen.

What his parents didn’t realised, in slagging each other off, was how much it affected the psyche of the child.

The instant he was left alone in the room, the desperation of a child looking at a life he cannot live; only marginally easier than if he was invisible. It has been painful to watch.

He believed he was the cause of his parents being stressed.

And then after a long period of silence, he said, “Please papa…mama….don't fight.”

“You stay out of this”! interrupted both his parents.

It was clear that his emotions do not revolve around them. He couldn’t tell them to hold him out of the middle, because it leads to struggles of his own. He didn’t want to be the source factor for his parents’ fights. Not like it mattered much.

Anshu looked around and departed for his room. It had gone past midnight.

As Anshu laid back on his back on the bed, he began to hit himself in the head with his fists and acted as if he shouldn’t have felt anything at all.

 As he settled his bed, his thoughts drifted.

“I wish everything should be hunky-dory by the dawn breaks.” Anshu folded his hands and prayed silently looking across his parent’s room.

The experience of being the only reason for his parent’s fight became so corrosive that he thought to help them cope with his parent’s marriage was to cut himself off from the ties. Plus, they might let go of their wrath and bitterness if he was invisible to them.

As the dawn breaks, he incurred up and walked straight to the bathroom. While in the bathtub, he had visualised that his parent’s problem started to implode because of him. He considered he was the reason for every fight; that makes him feel guilty.

But what both parents failed to understand was that, in criticising their marriage, neither of his parents made themselves aware of the fact that the whole fight affected the mind of the child. That, in turn, destabilised him throughout.

“For once if you would have told we are together here for you.” explained Rohan’s mother.

It was a relief for Anshu, but the guilt churned his parents up. The relief was immense, as the value has turned and the emotions pour out. 

The ground that they insulated the child can internalise and make it their own problem.

It’s comfortable for his mind to get very hurt when his parent's fights went on the whole night. And more complicated matters- like how he was never been able to bridge upon them; his parents never intent on keep the fights away from his sight, no matter how old he was.

It can strike several years for his parents to adjust to their roles, though. In the meantime, moving on his mindset was immense to reach compromises that could make them happy.

His parents haven’t gotten along in years since he could recall. They constantly put him right in the middle of their arguments and then blame the other for putting him in the middle.

They used him as an excuse to take up an argument. Whenever one or the other of them gets close to drawing off the fence, they start another issue regarding him. They’ve lost sight of the need to build a secure home for him to grow up in.

He thought their fights and their decisions have found something to do with him. They couldn’t resolve their problem. They can’t quiet their fears. He was dwelling with the kind of fear and anxiety. He considered getting away from the middle by getting out of the house; away from them…. Helping them avoid the substantial issues. It was likely they actually don’t’ argue over the issues for what they are doing to him. He thought that might be able to catch their attention and push them to get started all over again straight.

“What is best for the child is not always what is most convenient for the parents!” said Rohan’s mother. She wept bitterly as the thought of Anshu, her only grandson, crosses her mind and what went through him all this long. 

Retaining the joy and happiness would take time and energy, but can be practiced if one does makes the effort.

*Parents should sacrifice so that the child has the life they want to subsist in. They must establish the sacrifice so that the children can have that they deserve. Being part of a family means everyone pitches in and tries to make life better for each other.

“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to manage for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.”- Ann Landers.

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