The Lost "Me"

The Lost "Me"

5 mins
238


 I am sure as death that I had got rid of you long ago. Everyone must do this so that one can grow and become mature. You must not think that I deliberately abandoned you and wanted you to vanish from my life. To be honest with you, and I hope you will keep this a secret, I would never have liked to grow up or give you up; it was so good being you, being loved by all around. Initially, being you was fantastic, and everyone encouraged me to become a good child. I could get away with anything, just because I was you. People had a lot of patience with me, just because I was you and would appreciate whatever I did.


Alas, as I grew up, I was told I was no more a child! If this were true, what happened to you? I could feel you in me and often wondered why people were lying to me? Well, I was at least not supposed to act like you as I grew up, and when sometimes I did, I was called childish! You know, you were the biggest mystery in my life for a very long time. You were like the ghost inside the haunted house; supposed to be dead but still somehow alive. Yes, I would catch glimpses of you lurking around, and many times you would get into my mind and make me do things which adults are not supposed to do.


I admit I have always been unfair to you. I always believed that you are the most undesirable part in my life and that I must do my best to get rid of you. To be honest, I have tried my best to suppress you, suffocate you, beat you into submission and banish you to the depths of my inner mansion. I cultivated things that adults do, that mature people do, that the wise do. I dressed like a fine gentleman, grew a beard and developed a gruff and deep voice, all to disguise you.


You were a mystery, I said this before, and I could never figure you out. I simply could not understand why you were still lurking like a ghost inside me when your job was over and done; you know, when a person’s job is done, he is supposed to just pass away. Your job was over when I entered my teens. I should no more have been a child; I became a boy. You understand? A boy has better knowledge and skills than a child like you. It was then that I completely forgot about you, I never ever thought I would meet you again. But you kept creeping into my life now and then, without my permission or knowledge. You made me act foolish many times for which I was punished.


When I grew further into a man, I thought I had chained and contained you in that part of me which even I never really accessed. Like the deep dungeon where you lock up something, throw away the keys and forget about the place. Yes, I did that to you. Now, don’t get offended with me, it is a very natural thing to do for every human being!


You were chained and imprisoned, yet never could I forget you. Not that I wanted to remember you. You would never let me forget you. You kept putting in your appearances, brief though, always at the wrong times, as if to remind me that though I had grown up, I was still a child.

You know what? That is what I am really, and I understood it late in my sixties! How I realized this is another story but let me tell you briefly the truth I discovered. As I am growing old, I found myself behaving like a child frequently, more than before. I found myself wanting more love from my children, all grown up now. I am doing things that will attract their attention to me, just like you did years ago. I also realized that I am now finding it easier to love the people around me, my children, their children, their spouses, relatives with whom I had lost touch because I had very little time for people.


Is my behavior weird, I wondered? It was during this phase that I started searching for you. Why? Because I felt that I was behaving just like you. Now, how can one behave like the person he had already outgrown, imprisoned and chained and banished from his life forever? The more I searched for you, the more disturbing facts I could discover. It dawned upon me how foolish I had been all these years to think that I had banished you from my life! You have always been the core of my life. While I thought that I was suppressing you, all I was doing is suppressing myself, chaining myself, imprisoning myself, all the time, every time.


Suddenly, I realized that without you, I would have been a lifeless entity. It was your childlike curiosity that led me to become the scientist that I am. It was your childlike daring that led me to tread on paths I would normally avoid! It was your childlike innocence that taught me to always believe in the good. It was because people could see you in me that they all love me.


See, how foolish I was to believe that you were never there in my life? I know now that the child can never be killed, even if you wish for it. The only way we can kill you, the child inside us, is to stop being childlike. Yes, we must not be childish, all that signifies the negative aspects of our personality. But stop being childlike, and you are dead; though not actually dead but brain dead.


So, that’s it. I am happy I rediscovered you and solved the biggest mystery in my life. I am happy you have been there always, despite the lack of acknowledgment on my part. I wish I had discovered you sooner in my life.

 


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