The Eyes Of Friendship

Once upon a time in the year 2003, I heard you telling me "Friendship needs no studied phrases, polished face, or winning wiles; Friendship deals no lavish praises, Friendship dons no surface smiles". But I never knew that our friendship will be from a very early age. The journey was a bliss or a dream I do not know that.

My best friend and I had a conversation recently that got me thinking and gave me a restless night with tosses and turns because what she said echoes with you more than you can think.

She said, “I want to be someone I’d like to meet”. I was stunned because it got me questioning what I was becoming, because I certainly am not the best version of who I can be. I want to and if I’m completely honest with myself I know why.

I can’t get myself to believe. Every morning I wake up and I believe a little less and a little less and a little less. It’s that feeling of hopelessness that tears you up and makes you wonder what the point of anything is really. Every day I believe a little less in possibilities, dreams, love, fantasies and people because everything feels so temporary and when you take enough hits, there’s only so much energy to believe as much as yesterday. I’ve spent a lifetime being a magnet to a pile of crap – and as harsh as this may sound, if I’m ever going to be believe again, I need to spend some time to take out everything and everyone that has put me down. I want to leave behind every time I felt lost, every time I was screwed over for something I deserved, every time I failed to speak up, every time I let someone undermine my authority, every time I let someone else manipulate me into being in a place I despised, every “yes” that was a no instead, and every time I felt like I didn’t belong.

When you’re born an old soul, you see beauty in the small things like a cup of coffee and an evening having waffles with your favourite person. You don’t love places, but the memories you have with people in those places. And in a world as cruel as we live in, it feels like an everlasting winter till someone promises you spring. And when it is your time, it’ll scare the living hell out of you because you count the seconds on your watch to see just how long it’ll last. And that is who I’ve become, a writer who sometimes can’t believe in words when I need them the most, unfeeling and cold.

When I knew I’d had enough, I wanted someone to remind me of all the good I was. I wanted someone to say, “You’re everything I know you are, tonight you’ll let go of every inhibition and walk out that door and change the world. You’ll break all the walls you’ve built and leave the door open so someone can see you”. I’m worried someone won’t like what they’ll see, because that’s a girl broken one too many times and hiding in corners that no one frequents as much.

But what she said made me realize, I didn’t deserve to hide, not with everything I had to offer the world.

I was enough, in every way. I was strong and I kept going even when then the road got too dark. I moved forward and I wouldn’t complain as much (still working on this though). I built people up because I knew how much you need that when no one else cares to light up your world. I’m a great friend and I make for amazing conversations amidst those disheartened by small talk. I love people who understand my taste in music. I love more than you think but I suck at showing it and it’s constantly on my mind to find its way out. I love bookstores and having someone sit with me on the floor read out passages while people would stare and wonder what lunatics we could be. I like telling people they look good to their face instead of texts and social media because emojis can’t cover the blush on someone’s face when they realize someone noticed them just for a while.

I find it hard to apologize sometimes but I’m getting better at it. I don’t smile a lot but when I do I light up an entire room like a sun on the ground. I make great tea and it’s the only thing I’ve ever made in a kitchen. I’m extremely funny if you can understand my sense of humour. I like being upfront because grown-up also needs to be done without dropping hints every morning. I’m kind to strangers and but at the same time I’m savage because that’s how I break barriers. And while to a huge lot, these may seem like the small stuff, they aren’t as simple. It takes a lot to embrace who you are so completely that you’ll never let anyone else tell you that you weren’t good enough or make you feel like a mistake defined you. Every bone in your body will fight, and somewhere you are becoming the person you were raised to be.

Far from what I once was but not yet what I’m going to be, the person you’re supposed to meet. She’s getting there, I promise, as fast she can.