The Beef Shortage
The Beef Shortage
For once the state of Goa declared an emergency. There was an acute shortage of beef. The Goan CM dialled his Karnataka counterpart who beefed up the security within and along the border. Karnataka had already passed an Act against cow slaughter. But the law as they say was an ass even though it was meant for cow protection.
The animal kingdom got agog with the news. The goats and the sheep got ready to become the lambs for the slaughter as the festive season was about to begin. Chicken danced and sang out hack me if you can. The fishy business received a boost. Cats and dogs went about as if business was usual. Nobody in these parts liked their flesh. They still retained the pet status. Rats scurried away. They felt it was a matter of time humans took a liking for their flesh. They got plagued with the threat. The bee crossed the jungle border and buzzed the news among the wild animals. The elephant said such a situation has never occurred in my long memory. The jackals got quite foxed with the news. Deer said “Oh! dear thank God we are protected by the wild life protection act. Otherwise, we would become a venison.” Rabbits burrowed themselves and hurriedly called for a conference. Surely humans would demand a pound of rabbit flesh they thought. Hyenas could not stop laughing.
Pigs became cynosure of all eyes. A clever Coorgi floated a start-up called “From the pork to the fork.” Investors felt it was a win-vindalo situation for all the stake holders concerned. The majority community favoured the idea since it rubbed one minority on the wrong side.
One guru with an opinion on everything about life released a press statement that it was the time to quit eating beef and it was also a good cause favouring global warming reduction. Farmers were upset as they protested and asked who would rear unproductive cattle. A committee of economists were nominated to understand the economics of unproductive cattle rearing. However, the economists were not rearing to go for any research as it was a cattle class matter and felt infra-dig about it. As usual a PIL was filed and the court took offence stating they don’t have time for matters of bull.
As the rats had predicted a scientist floated the idea of a genetically modified rat to taste like beef. As rats proliferate madly the idea could solve the problem once for all. One could call it breef or reef, he concluded. The Goan CM who was feeling the heat of beef shortage commented that he had no beef with the proposal. He instead asked the scientists to develop a concept note and brief him as to the feasibility and time frame. Rats concluded that the race had began for their survival. They found themselves in a familiar who will bell the cat situation, this time with humans.
The PM from the neighbourhood not the one to miss an opportunity to discomfort India commented that it was an irony that India was talking about genetically modified rats to taste like beef. As the matter got escalated internationally the Food and Agriculture Organisation welcomed the idea and said it makes pro(u)dent sense. Rodents are a menace in so far as food storage is concerned and this proposal it hoped would turn the menace into a thing of ace at the dinner table.
As rats were used extensively for experimentation the rodent matter did provoke any protest. Even PETA was unusually silent as if the cat caught the tongue. Critiques said that it had to do with the stopping of funds on account of cancellation of their FCRA.
Rats found themselves in a quandary. Their only hope rested now in some bureaucrat and their whim to sit on any proposal which the country was famous for. The scientist was quite serious and no brat and diligently prepared a proposal. Some rats went on a spy mission and tried to sabotage the lab where the scientist was working but returned with failure. The mission was impossible and they had no Tom to cruise on that mission. The last thing they did was to pray to Lord Ganesha as they were supposed to be his vehicle as per Hindu mythology.