Sometimes A smile Is Enough

“Oh shit! It’s 6-o-clock in the evening. Who the fuck set my alarm? ”. I screamed and jumped up from bed after waking up an hour later than the time I was scheduled to by my alarm clock. In those days, I was feeling empty because I left pieces of myself in everything I used to love and that love was my preparation for IIT JEE exams. My exams were near and that time was very crucial for me.

After a few moments of cursing myself, I decided to take a stroll to provide relief to my dizzy head. I was on my way, simply walking along with a lot of things running inside my head. Then suddenly I was struck by a bolt, ‘holy shit! That’s a dime for me’ I whispered myself and started glancing a girl who was walking with her female friend. The moment I saw her everything in my mind went quiet. All the tics, all the constantly refreshing things just disappeared.

I just wanted the time to stop and allow me the luxury of completely immersed into her as it was the most beautiful thing that comes across my life. And in the next few minutes, all the bullshit started. As my best moments are not for eternality. Now, she was going but I wanted to grab the moment for a little longer so I started chasing her with full exuberance.

She was walking continuously, and I was just behind her, albeit maintaining a distance of ten meters. The light was getting dull in the breezing evening and I was not feeling comfortable while chasing her. I kept thinking to myself “how the hell could I approach her right now’’, I was praying ‘god just bless me with her and I don’t want anything else in my life, this is it’. We already walked almost two kilometers in the silent and empty road and I wanted to pause myself.

But I was enchanted by her delicacy as I was feeling a strong gravitational pull from her side. Sometimes I felt weird while chasing her, but I was also getting a feeling that she just wanted me to chase her. She suddenly stopped and sat at road divider (which was under construction), but alas, how is this possible the beauty in front of which even immortal will lose their consciousness and then I was just an ordinary mortal.

For the first time, our eyes met and probably by that time she already became aware that I was walking behind her and had something to say to her, but it was perhaps too much asking from me to even think about talking to her at this juncture. I had a strong desire that this should continue rather than coming to an abrupt end. But all good things have to end. She, in a flash, hired an auto and went past zooming after me.

Suddenly I felt this wave of ‘morbidness’ that could submerge my feelings after my first thrilling meet. But the auto stopped just 400 meters away, a girl came out and entered a girl hostel. It brought me great relief and I started hoping to see her again. 

The person who captures your heart is the same special person who never leaves your mind. She started working at my mind 24/7 and having overtime in my heart seven days a week. She made me do crazy things as I never did. I was dying to see her again. I started to come with my friends Sid and Varun at that girl's hostel area every day at 5 am and stayed till 6:30 am.

We found ourselves a place near the hostel area and stood to stare at the main hostel door. All through the time, I stood determined though, my mind entertained various feelings. But the girl didn’t step out of the hostel. My efforts were going into vain as I was not being able to find a glimpse of her. After doing this crazy thing for one week, I finally realized that she didn’t live in that hostel.

It might be her friend who lived in that, but it was not her. Varun asked me to stop this chutzpah and prompted me to concentrate on my studies. But it was my mind who started to rebel against me. I knew all human wisdom is summed up in two words – wait and hope. So, I started my never-ending unknown journey of finding her and expressing my feeling.

I now decided to go to every coaching center in Kota to check her. I had friends in every institute and with their help, I arranged some fake id cards for some institute. And the next day I started to search her in every institute of Kota. I took risks to enter those institutes and searched her in every class, batch and corners of the buildings.

But I could not find her. Maybe God wanted a different thing. My patience was getting weak, and my hope was fading, a dark cloud was hovering above me. I was trying to console myself as it was deteriorating me. My condition was like one half of me is a hopeless romantic and the other half is damn realistic. Sometimes you got to be still before you can get help. So I came to my room to relax my mood.

I was asking the universe for help as I was unable to do it all by myself. In the evening some friends came and they took me to the mall for refreshments. They were helping me get over her saying that I will get much better. But I was utterly stubborn. I told them I could not lose her, ‘maybe one day I will find her and I will marry her’. All these fucking bullshit was happening and I saw her in the exit door of the mall.

I smiled at her and she smiled back and my heart started thumping, a million times. She was looking drop-dead gorgeous in her pink dress. There was a grace in her looks and I was above the mundane world. I asked myself ”Does love follows relativity with time”, I was feeling zero time-lapse, nothing in motion, till struck by the sound of Sid ‘Hey man, she is hiring a cab, go get to her ‘. She was gone then, a glimpse of cab faded, everything faded but her smile was imprinted on me.

I was returning from Jaipur after my JEE paper. I was in a quandary, as on one side I was satisfied with my paper, but on the other side prospect of never meeting her again after leaving Kota was making me shiver. I was trying to zoom some of my favorite moments so, It could bring some smile on my face.

I was lost in my thought, and the train stopped suddenly. And I was on cloud nine because I saw the lady of my life in the very next compartment. I jumped with joy. I felt like I was on a fucking jet ski. I started walking to and fro to get her divine look as much as possible but I noticed there was some disappointment on her face, might be because of her exam. That to and fro roaming was continued till we reached Kota.

I was trying to walk alongside her, but the crowd at the platform made us separate again. Finally, at the railway over-bridge, I saw her coming. I stood there and started glancing at her. My friend Gautam shouted to me “oye chal, auto nhi Milegi”(let's go, we can’t get auto later). I said politely “Teri Bhabhi mil gyi, wo dekh aa rhi h”(I found your sister-in-law, look she is coming).

As I completed my words, my face turned bright red with shyness because her mom was smiling at me who was just behind me. I could not find a better gesture and started blushing and moving towards auto with my slow feet.

Today I have already spent 4 years of my undergrad life but that memories are still fresh. 

I don’t know If I am right to say this as true love but whenever I think of those moments, it drifts me in a phase where time has stopped after that meeting. Her smile remains forever. The space she created in my heart will always be hers.

Wo kahte h na:

“tere aane ki kya ummeed magar kaise kah dun ki tera intezaar nhi”.