Silent Spectator

It was one lazy Sunday afternoon, when I had planned it all.

The guests started coming in one by one. Mom, dad, aunts & uncles, cousins and few other people who I now barely recognize.

I was there, but no one would see me. Just like old times, everyone will treat me like I was invisible. No matter what I did for anyone, they would have just over looked me. These thoughts filled my mind.

But today was slightly different. I was the center of everyone's attention. They talked about me, some guests even shared my childhood anecdotes.

It was in one of those moments when everyone was sitting in silence, falling short of words, and secretly hoping that someone will break that long pause when one of my aunt said to my mom, “What is all this clutter, didn’t he have a cleaning lady? I cannot imagine how someone can live in this mess”.

I wanted to explain to my aunt that this mess was my life. I found sanity in this chaos. I wanted to tell that the life I lead was no ordinary, in spite of my shortcomings, I had a side that I wanted to share with my loved ones.

Among the other things I wanted to tell everyone, that I was different than most people around me, but I could not help be someone else. I was who I was, even knowing that my own family would never accept me. And if, God forbid some day they found out the truth, it would definitely be the last day of my life.

But what was the point, no one will now understand or hear anything that I said.

They had started cleaning my room, taking out the bedsheets, just then my aunt screamed in horror.

"Ohh what is all this filth? Is this who your son was? Gay! Ram Ram! God has punished him for his sins”.

The priest came in and proceeded with the puja.

My mother wept in silence. I laid my head on her lap for one last time. I bid myself goodbye and said ‘better luck next life’

I was covered with white sheet and garlands. They carried me over their shoulders and the chants of ‘Ram naam satya hai’ filled the evening air.