Not Love, It’s Something Else

 I’ve always been afraid of storms. They make me feel incapable and weak; like they can take everything away from me.

 

That night the storm was like I had never seen before. The rain didn’t stop pouring and the wind didn’t hold back. There was something intense about that night. It was intimidating as always yet; I didn’t fear it. I don’t know what made me feel like I could take on this one. Maybe it was because his hands were tightly gripped around my waist. His dark eyes and his wavy hair, which had become wet from running to find shelter in the rain, distracted me from everything around me.

I finally came back to reality when he looked at me and raised his eyebrows in surprise to catch me creepily staring at him. He was like a dream. A dream that threw my nightmares right out through the window.

Soon the storm began to calm down and he suggested we head back before we get stuck there for the entire night. I wished we would. As we headed back, I couldn’t stop thinking about how he was still gripping my waist tightly, like he feared someone would just pull me out of his arms. Sadly, we reached my dorm. He said goodbye and started to walk away. I wanted to grab his face and kiss his impeccable lips, but I didn’t. I watched him walk further away and until he wasn’t out of my sight, I didn’t take my eyes off him. Once I could no longer see him, reality struck me again. I was standing in the middle of the road in wet clothes and drooling over a guy. No wonder people had been staring at me like I was a clown. I headed back and changed into a dry pair of clothes with him on my mind. Yup, I was falling pretty bad for him.

 

NOPE! That never happened! Does it even happen to people? I have no idea. Never happened to me. My story’s always a tad bit different. Ok, who am I kidding? It’s way off the tangent to a cliché love story.

 

In my love story, I met the guy because of a common friend. A guy, Alan, who liked the way I looked decided to bring his friends along to a party.

Soon Alan and I were hanging out a lot. I liked his company and it seemed as though he enjoyed mine too. Soon I began hanging out with his friends. It didn’t make much difference because they all still seemed super weird to me. A few of them enjoyed my presence and I liked that. But some weren’t bothered with my presence and that bothered me, so I decided to do something about it.

At the next party, we all went together and I tried speaking to them. One of them was apparently just like that and even though that made no sense to me, I decided to not test the waters. The other weirdo was trying to get another girl, so I let him be. Well, at least he was normal.

The next day curious, I went up to him and asked him about what happened with the girl. He said that she wanted someone else. I kind of felt bad for him and when he realized that he added that it was alright since he didn’t like her that much anyway. So much ego. His name was Arnav.

Soon Arnav and I started talking more often and my interaction with Alan reduced. I wasn’t really looking for a relationship when we began talking; I wasn’t looking for anything. I just wanted to educate him about girls and their types based on my experiences. I would tell him about all I had done and all the drama I had been part of and he would listen to me with a calm face. The fact that he gave no expressions made it super difficult for me to read what he felt about me. Somedays he would share what he felt about certain things. Initially, the reason for telling him about my life was because I didn’t want him to think that a girl with an innocent face could be easy to deal with but soon it became more about me just wanting to share my life with him. I didn’t want him to get stuck with a complicated girl for his first relationship but a very tiny part of me wanted him to fall for me. His unending attention to my stories and his non-bias opinions were like a breeze of fresh air. The kind of air I began getting used to. Since he was absolutely new to all this, I was particularly excited to be the one who got him trying things for the first time.

I learned very quickly that he doesn’t open up that easily and I would have to stick around longer than I thought to understand him. Everyone loves a guy who is like a brick wall. There’s a different kind of excitement in peeling layers to see the real thing. A mysterious guy with a bit of ego and a strangely high capacity to listen; he definitely was growing on me. Well obviously, no love story is simple. Even this love story is.

 

One’s past never really goes away, does it? Mine was still with me too. I had invested too many emotions in my past to even want a future. But you know what they say, love has a way to get to you. I spent so much time sharing my past with Arnav that I didn’t even realize that he was becoming my present. Soon I realized that I didn’t want him to be with anyone else. Once this realization hit me I knew I couldn’t spoil his life forever, so I decided to tell him. So that’s what I did, I told him. I said that I liked him and I could see where it’s going, but I am in no position to commit to anyone at this point. Hell, I even drew a picture on his hand to explain why it was all messed up. And then something absolutely unexpected happened. He said he understood but his eyes seemed to be in so much pain. It looked like someone drove a knife straight through his heart. His face remained calm as always but his eyes were hurtful. And that was the first time I saw how much I affected him. It was an emotion I assumed he never felt. The pain I had caused with my words was so deep that I broke down. Tears rolled down my eyes. He tried to console me but it was all futile. I felt like I broke his heart even before taking it completely and instead of me handling him, he ended up handling me. He must have thought I’m one crazy chick.

The next day, he treated me like a complete stranger. Like we never had any emotion between us. And that affected me badly. I told myself, “listen if someone else gets him, you’ll end up regretting for a very long time. It doesn’t matter if you can make it work or not, right now you need him to be yours.” And that’s exactly what I did. I told him that I wanted him and with my mind completely unsure what my future held, my heart once again decided to let love in.

Somehow all love stories end once the guy and the girl ends up together. Not this one though. This love story begins when the tragedy begins when the relationship becomes painful. What’s the fun in slaying all the dragons to meet the girl? You got to slay some dragons after you get her too.

Here is where the actual love story begins.

Initially, it was what I love calling the honeymoon phase. The experiences were new. I never knew seeing him feel things for the first time could feel so good. He kind of made me wish that it was my first time too. Soon the honeymoon phase began to get over. I knew it would, I had done this before. But along with the honeymoon phase a lot of things got over as well and many things came into light.

He started getting used to me being there. Now that wasn’t an issue because I did want him to feel I would always be there but this was more like he took my habit, of being there when he needed me, for granted. Soon his first hidden personality began to show its colors. It wasn’t really hidden but I did not know how far he would take his habit. The habit of being judgmental.

We both always had varied choices and that used to make us argue quite often. The arguments weren’t really about which choice we would pick but more about him finding it necessary to joke about my choices. Somedays I would laugh along but there have been days where I couldn’t stand it. His highly sarcastic comments sometimes made me question the entire relationship. Let me give you an incident. It may seem like a petty fight believe me, but it isn’t really.

The incident was about deciding which movie to watch. Yup, that’s where it started. I am not much of a realist so I still choose to believe in fairy tales which eventually leads to my favorite genre is romantic comedies. Not to be cliché about it but I do love dreaming that my life will one day turn out to be something like a rom-com. There’s something liberating in that thought. He, on the other hand, loves thriller and horror and all kinds of movies that require using the brain. So now we had to figure out what to watch. At the beginning of the relationship he would always pick out the movies and that was okay by me. One day I decided to push him to watch a romantic comedy. Instead of being okay with it, he decided to rather comment on my choice of movies. He started commenting by saying that my movie choices are shit and ended the commentary on my IQ being low because I watch such bad movies. I was deeply hurt. Not everyone watches movies to use their brains. Some might just like to get inside some sort of an imaginary world. Was it really that bad to like rom coms? I knew he could get judgmental and that was okay since everyone is, but how could you go from the movie to my IQ? This was a total eye-opener for me. When it comes to insulting and judging someone, he doesn’t go easy. He doesn’t see if he’s speaking to someone he cares for or no, he dives right into making you feel guilty and question every life decision you’ve ever made.

The second thing trait of his that exceeded my expectation was his anger. It was unforgiving. Everyone gets angry when they don’t get what they want or what they feel they deserve. Even I lose my temper quickly. But I’ve not seen anger like his. His anger seemed to consume him. I haven’t understood why it happens to date. Once Arnav gets angry there’s no escape. It wouldn’t matter at that point if your family or friend or the one he loves. He forgets it all and hates on you like you’re some sort of stranger. I was spelled shut the first time I saw it. It felt like a stone-cold monster stood right in front of me who’s the only aim was to stab my heart until I broke. He wouldn’t stop until I cried. Somedays it even felt like he got off on it. He seemed to feel better about himself by making me feel bad about myself. Sick, I know. To my greater surprise, it wasn’t just with me, he was like that with anyone close to him. His friends also had felt this. Well, I should’ve figured that out.

I didn’t know much about his past or family. He knew pretty much everything. So parts of his personality came to me as a shock most of the times. I didn’t know what it was or how to deal with it. I didn’t even know where it came from or if I was supposed to even deal with it.

I convinced myself that his anger, ego, and impulsive personality issues would come to an end someday but it hasn’t till now.

How do you convince the voices in your head that this time would be different? Every part of you knows some things are never meant to change. How do you believe otherwise? You’ve seen how things unfold each time. You’ve felt the pain when his emotions cease to control him. You tell yourself that I won’t do the damage, and yet every time the story unfolds it’s the same all over again. You push yourself to refrain from anything beyond the normal limits, but he made sure that all boundaries are crossed. You try to comprehend the origin and somehow everything just points to you. You begin to blame yourself and you know that’s just the beginning. Eventually, a time comes when you become so furious at yourself for even believing in something good. You think that somehow it’s always going to be your fault. And then the anger of guilt makes you do things you don’t wish to do. And the guilt gets added to all that you can do is cry. It repeats again and again till… the end of it hasn’t come. As long as the relation exists, so will the cycle of pain. But then why do you stay here? Why not just leave? You could say it’s love and maybe it will be the truth. It could be the urge inside you to feel those random sparks of hope. That sense of tranquility when he says he gets it all and wants to change. Does that make you feel like it’s not all been a waste and maybe that things may mend? You must feel like a fool and yet you must continue to give everything in that hope to see that ray of light again... Furious, confused, restless. Your love has no limits and neither does the pain. Do you swear the relationship has a meaning beyond that but does it really? Why do you feel after all the pain there’s some remorse in him? It’s the eyes maybe. Even though his mouth makes it certain that you’re hurt, his eyes are lost. He seems lost. You wanna save him from all he does and even though it sounds so poetic, it’s difficult to keep in mind always. Yet some part of you believes that something can be held onto. Maybe not all of him has disappeared into oblivion. And with that thought in the mind, you’re up and ready to face all kinds of challenges. Yes, you may fail somedays, but somedays it does seem all worth it. 

The third one wasn’t a personality trait. It was something about being in a relationship I had never realized until now. The lack of understanding problems. The fact that he’s never dated before meant that he didn’t know what it felt to be insecure. He didn’t even know how to realize when someone’s trying to have you even after knowing you’re in a relationship. I, on the other hand, was aware of all of these things. I had been on both sides of the coin. I had been the person flirting with someone when I knew they were dating and being the person who guys flirted with knowing I had a boyfriend. He had no clue. So me trying to make him aware of this got him annoyed. He felt I was unnecessarily making more out of situations. For instance, once I had told him that the girl he had been texting was flirting with him. Instead of seeing the situation and trying to understand why I would say so, he got mad at me. He thought I was too possessive about him when it was because I could see signs he couldn’t. I was so good at interpreting things that I soon realized even he had developed some sort of affection for her. Apart from being unfamiliar with other’s intentions, he was also unfamiliar with his own feelings. How do you explain to someone that you know what they feel before they have even realized? You don’t. You fight and argue till one day they realize it, as he did. Yup. After months of fighting, he finally admitted he was attracted to her and that made him distant from me. He said it lasted for some time and he got over the feeling and he loved me and suddenly the problem was solved.

Many a time I’ve anticipated things he’s yet to understand and that helps me sometimes be prepared. But there are days I end up putting things in his head that he doesn’t think of and that lands me up in trouble because I tend to create unnecessary doubts in his head. Those days I wish I was unaware of things like him.

Slowly I began learning about his past. He began to trust me and started to confide. I started understanding what it was. As I said, I started. The process is ongoing. I began to see why he struggles so much with handling his emotions and why he would deal with things the way he did.

A person’s past shapes him in a certain way. It’s really sad to see sometimes that other mistakes can force you to become someone you didn’t want to be. All your fears from the past haunt you and hold onto you, reminding you constantly that things can go bad. 

Apart from the fact that I love him, I feel we stick together because our pasts have unending stories of not being supported enough or not being taken seriously. Our vulnerabilities are so similar that we both hope and search for understanding in each other. And we do get it eventually. After all the darkness, we do see it.

However, our ways of accepting our own vulnerabilities are different. His reaction causes more damage than mine. Somedays I definitely feel the way he reacts is better because that way at least people know. But today’s world is filled with fake people. If I start keeping what I feel on my sleeve all the time, I’m the only one who gets hurt. That is where my conflict is. I don’t know what’s right and that’s why my love story is complicated too. Because I don’t know which way to guide him in. This sometimes makes our story unique and extraordinary too, since no one other than Arnav and I get it.

This relationship makes me question my beliefs, drives me nuts but also ends up being the only thing that makes me calm after the crazy. I’m pretty sure you don’t get it as well and might think I’ve gone crazy. But that’s okay because he gets it and so do I and we are the only two I care about when it comes to this relationship.

You might have figured it out by now that this love story isn’t about love, it’s about something else. Something I haven’t figured out yet but I will. It’s a love story in progress and those are the best kind; the ones that don’t get over.