My Teenage Lost Dreams

I still find myself awake in the twilight with a feeling of restlessness and terror of not being able to get a seat in the infamous IIT’s. 

Yes, that’s true even though I am in my college 3rd year, the shadow of the brutal and soul crushing years of past “the JEE preparation” sneaks through the cracks of memory and seems to be an eternal reality.

Oh! the dreams I saw before the beginning of my preparation, the seven-figure salary, job at google or apple and all the enjoyment I would get in college, all that seems today like the cheese we place on a mouse trap.

I spent two prime years of my life preparing for an exam which I did not crack and sacrificed the more important things. Years which are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

The time when I was supposed to make mistakes, build friendship’s, laugh with friends, find the first love, enjoy the first kiss, search my passions and build hobbies, I wasted in a boring jammed packed classroom with my head held down and crushed-up self-confidence, with a growing doubt on my potential and feeling of uselessness, just because of not being able to solve as many questions as the person sitting beside me, whom I don’t even know. 

At last, all I ended up with was fucked up friendships, destroyed confidence, no interest’s, hobbies or passions, a mindset that measures every action from the view of obtaining more marks, lost empathy, lost smile, and boiling distrust for strangers. Seemed like two long years completely stolen from me.

I don’t blame anyone but just myself for being just a sheep in the herd, and for being a coward and following the ideal path.

Somehow, I feel a shimmer of fresh air when I see around and find other doing what I did for two years doing their entire life. I see sheep’s all around me but now, I am determined to become a wolf and live life on my own terms.

“Crack” the word which we use so fluently in respect to being successful in an exam, at this point of life I can say that I am working to crack the exam called life.

I am happy that those two years were not all-waste after all, because in my heart I know that the juice was worth the squeeze.