My life in pandemic

Hi, I am a simple but complicated girl. I know that sounds normal, right? Because everyone feels so weird these days okay so let's talk about my days during a pandemic. Last year when the pandemic started I just gave my 12 boards and I was so excited for my vacation but ya you got it right, lockdown. Huh! Sad but do I had an option no right. I know everyone was so really worried about your family, about their jobs and obviously about their lives. But here my tension was even doubled. Wait for no, not for my results because I'm an average student but I got a good percentage even though I didn't expect it. Anyways my worried got doubled because my parents they are teacher and doctor respectively. It was a horrifying moment in my home every time we all were so worried because we have a doctor in our family we all were so proud of this but were nervous about everyone's health. Even we had a positive once (covid) but then after a few months, everything seems to be normal right? But we didn't know that it was just the 1st wave and then before the 2nd wave came one more incident took place in my life. I fell in love for the very first time yes you heard me right. I was just 20 when I realized I'm in love for the first time, I thought everything would be perfect but no it wasn't. My instinct was really very clear that it won't work but I was just crazy because I had that craze about my first love and I didn't give a thought and started running towards that love which I knew won't work. And guess what before 2nd wave could hit me I hit myself yes, unfortunately, my instinct was right it didn't work. You know people say when you fall in love for the 1st time you feel that butterflies in your stomach, you smile every second, you keep blushing every time you think about that person, but in my case, it was all reverse. 

The day I realized I was in love I had tears in my eyes, a lot of questions were taking place in my mind, I felt that I was carrying a burden on my shoulder. Huh, I was really confused at that time but now I always keep asking myself why though? Why did I feel so? Or is it just that I knew that it won't work, I don't know I still don't know. But you know what He proposed to me 2 years back he back his heart and soul so that I get convinced. And wow the girl who was so strict that her every single friend used to tell her you'll die single finally fell in love. When I started falling for him he was happy and when finally when I told him my feelings he got changed maybe because he was mature then maybe he didn't want to show off his happiness I don't know it just that the guy who had done every possible thing to make me fall in love suddenly stopped putting efforts and me the girl who never ever ran asking for someone's time, someone's love she ran after him every time. Yes, I was losing myself. After few days of discussion, we decided that we would leave it on our destiny but he used to say, "no matter what you are mine and you are my everything, my life I can't share you with someone else, I would never leave you, I only love you, and I'm gonna marry you remember dont try to betray me I won't spare that boy then". Guess what everything was on point but I never felt that good that special I used to feel when I didn't reveal my feelings to him. One day I found him texting a girl and saying those same things he told just 10 min before he said it to her. I was broken, but still, I didn't want him to hurt so I was numb. I was taking my time and he realized that I was upset about something and after 2 days finally I told him everything and he gave that same excuses I thought he would give if I would have told him about it. But I was still hurt I didn't listen to him after 10 days he called me and said to me," Hey, are you angry? Why are you ignoring me?" And I was like no I'm not angry why should I. Trust me that pissed me off I mean seriously you even don't know I'm hurt. Anyways but he didn't give that heart and soul to pacify me but I was quite sure that he would pacify me at any cost. Then he used to text me after 2 - 3 days and one thing was constant whenever he used to come to me and used to say that I was angry because he talked to a girl, no man I was hurt come on. And after a whole one month, we had a conversation one night well not a conversation it was an argument. I know I was too rude to him but he should have understood that I was hurt I needed time but that night he told me many things which even hurt me more. He said to me," I have a full line in my back of girls, I don't need someone like you, if girls are like you I don't want one and ya you can go no one is stopping you, enough is enough," and I said," Ya and if you call this love I would never ever fall in love again." I never regretted loving him but that was the day I regretted it because he thought he was the only one facing problems in life even I was facing a lot of problems at that time even now, I'm facing it all alone but I needed him, he was not there. Sometimes it felt like he stopped loving me when he realized he had many girls who liked him. I stopped talking to every guy except my close friends just because he told me that those boys were flirting with me and he didn't like it. I hate myself for loving him. Yes I know I am not perfect but I gave my 100% effort when it was needed in our relationship and he found this he stopped giving that effort. And obviously, we were not in a relationship because that was decided that we won't cheat each other, will stay loyal. Maybe he loved me but just because he has options he doesn't care about me anymore. But he was my choice so I'm the one who's suffering right now yes I'm still not moved on. But after all these I still believe in love because of my parents, no love can be as pure as parents do. I know that love can never be wrong, people can be wrong, time can be wrong but love, no its never wrong because love is as pure as prayers. After all these, I learnt many things one of them is that who are your real friends you would know this when you are having a bad time where you are facing a lot of problems but still they support you. And one more that we need to love ourselves before loving someone, don't love someone so much that you start hating yourself. Loving yourself should be your priority, it's necessary because it would be the greatest revolution in your life. And yes we need to listen to our parents and friends because they will see what was going right or wrong which you can't because we were blind in love right. So start loving yourself. I still do believe that I would overcome all these and I'll fall in love again and this time I'll feel all that butterfly things, this time it would the right one. And sometimes you need to suffer all these just to know what we want in life and what we don't want in love and yes I have learnt that time passes away, time flies and very soon I'll be that happy girl again and I promise it to myself and I never break promises. I promised him that I won't show him my face again but still, I miss him I want him to come back. Wait no, see I was distracted again okay no girl everything will be okay. Just keep loving yourself.