My Ex-Husband's Gay Wedding

How would you react to your husband of 16 years when he comes out of the closet and declares that he was gay? That was exactly the situation where I was on the night of our 16th anniversary. We had come back after a customary dining out at an Indian restaurant in Berlin and had returned home and undressed for the night. The dinner was as usual with me and my daughter of 15 years sharing some giggles and husband seemed occupied. Perhaps he was rehearsing the right lines to say.

That night I hardly slept. My mind got caught up in a show of my own right from the time I met him first on an arranged marriage meeting. It wasn’t unusual in the sixties in the most conservative of all metropolis called the Chennai city, that too in a traditional Tamil Brahmin family to get married through this mode. Kadhal (love) as we call it in Tamil was confined to the movies mostly. Kadhal began after the marriage with the first night. In fact, the marriage date was decided on auspicious stars aligning favourably for the man-woman union, called the first night when the girl was supposed to lose her virginity and come out next day morning blushing red all over her face.

At the time of this meeting, I was nearly completing my MD in gynaecology. My dad assured me and said “Meera, the boys’ family was progressive enough to let you practice after marriage.” I trusted my dad on that count as he always backed me on my education and career although he was still traditional when it came to marriage matters. The boy Anand was supposed to be an IIT graduate. Those days and even now in India if you made it to the highly competitive IITs, life rolls out a red carpet. The arranged meeting, (Penn parkarathu- boy and fly come to see the girl) was merely a formality. Since other things like gothra (lineage) was already taken care of by the family astrologer. As the astrologer would put after examining all the star alignment “there can’t be a better perfect match.” How wrong it turned out to be he would know only after 16 years of marriage like I did. One could not help if astrology didn’t keep match with one’s sexuality preferences, a bane or boon in the modern world. I wonder if it is written in your stars about your sexual orientation.

The first night itself was a disaster of sorts. It was slam, bam and thank you ma’am. But the job got done and his semen did find my egg and got lodged in my uterus and rest as they say became history when my daughter Vaishali was born 10 months later. I didn’t seem to mind though as one brought up in a traditional family where one never talked about female sexuality, her desires and husband first policy. Anand otherwise was quite a gentleman and helped in household chores. I never suspected his sexual orientation as in those days these were topics that was not in the public discourse.

As it happened his German company gave him a posting in Berlin and also offered me a job as the Doctor in the company managed local hospital. Bringing up a child in Germany was a privilege what with child creche facility and the government itself providing extra child care allowances. For me as I got used to the German culture and their openness when it comes to aspects of sex new avenues opened for me to satisfy my sexual desires. Firstly, it was a plethora of gadgets and later it was clubs that provided avenues for one-night stands without any liabilities. Then came the occasional office flings with colleagues. Anand, I guessed must have known and didn’t seem to mind. Both of us were trapped in our own guilt I suppose.

Like me Anand must have found avenues to explore his sexuality. Unlike back home German society was far more open on these aspects. As far as Vaishali was concerned I didn’t fear how she would take it for now and then we have had chats about sexual orientation as there were boys and girls who were oriented differently.

My best German friend arranged for my counselling when I told her about Anand’s confession. The counsellor explained how it must have been traumatic for Anand to come out of the closet and declare his sexual orientation given his conservative background. When she made that point my burden seemed to have done the vanishing trick. I also could empathize how would his parents, near and dear take it. I decided that instead of wallowing in self-pity I must play a pro-active role.

When my daughter was doing a sleep over with her friend Anand brought home his new partner Mike who seemed a very decent guy. It was Mike who explained that they have been steady for over a year and he was the one who encouraged Anand to come out of the closet. He added it wasn’t about cheating but coming clean on the part of Anand. If I could appreciate it nothing like it. I had to agree. We discussed it would be logical to go for a divorce as Anand would move in with Mike. As Mike put it charmingly Vaishali would have two fathers and me two brothers’ equivalent.

When the news of divorce was announced all hell broke in Chennai in both our families and heaven came down when the cause for divorce was also made clear. I called my dad and told him calmly that Anand was forced to marry on account of his grandfather’s imminent death and that was his last wish too. Accepting one’s sexual orientation is not so easy for a Tambrahm boy. In this dire- circumstances he and mom should stand by my in-laws. Dad saw the point and they met Anand’s parents and comforted them in their sorrow. In so far, I was concerned I called out to my in-laws, Anand’s friends, my dear ones and explained that this was a good way to go forward in life. 

As things calmed down divorce happened and Anand’s wedding to Mike got fixed. I took charge of the wedding and organized everything. The icing on the cake was the attendance of my parents, Anand’s parents and family flying all the way from Chennai.

After the wedding Vaishali came up to my room, hugged me and said “indeed I now have two dads but my mom is the world’s best mom.”