Mother In Me

On the busy and crowded Hyderabad, Jubilee bus station, my eyes were searching for the KSRTC travels A/C sleeper coach from Hyderabad to Bangalore. In parallel to my search, I was lending my ears to my Parent's safety instruction list for my bus journey. I have been traveling back and forth to Bangalore and Hyderabad for 8 years yet my parents instruct me as if I am going for the first time. Finally the bus I have to board arrived. I hope it takes me to my destination place safe not to the final destination of my life. I said slowly in my sister's ears. She gave a serious look. She said to think and talk something good. My cute little sister hugged me as if we are not going to meet again. The recent multiple Volvo accidents made me think so. LOL (Laughing out Loud). My parent's safety instruction list repeated along with bidding adieu to me. I stepped into the bus with a heavy heart, probably this is the common feeling for every married Indian woman while leaving from parents to the in-law's house.

Forgot to introduce myself I am Mrs. Shweta Sharma born and bought up in an orthodox family. Currently, working as a project manager in one of the renowned Indian IT Company at Bangalore post my marriage. Apart from my profession, I have several roles to perform at home after my office hours as a wife and as an only daughter in law. Since the past few years, two things that have never changed in my life are, my in-laws and parent's concern of me not becoming a mother and my house cleaner Radhamma who makes me happy with her innocent, ignorant conversations with me every morning. 

My hubby and I have been visiting every suggested hospital to make our dream of becoming parents come true. From hospitals to temples, gynecologists to gurus everything suggested by near and dear we did. Yet our dream is like a dream and a concern for my in-laws has been like a concern. However, I handle a team of close to 50 people at the office, one thing that makes me uncomfortable to face my friends and relatives at any function or occasion to meet them is my infertility. The idea of adopting a baby stroked my mind several times but my orthodox family and society around me did not allow me to take the bold step. 

One fine morning, I shared this adoption idea with Radhamma. Even she did not support me saying outside blood can never be ours. Her thought process was on the same lines as my old-fashioned mother in law and parents. To my husband, it was like insulting his potential and abilities to be a man. Hence I always side parked this thought in my mind. After several tries and suggestions, this time we went for an expensive way of treatment to have our blood, our baby–test-tube baby. The Doctor gave us a warning saying we would conduct some preliminary tests, a post that only we would tell if you couple fit for this procedure. We have prepared ourselves for shedding the huge portion of our hard-earned savings for this suspense error and trial method. Simultaneously I have joined yoga and meditation classes as per the Doctor's suggestion. My in-laws and Parents continued their prayers at temples for the procedure to be a success.

Next to the yoga institute I joined, there is a kid's dance class, which I cannot miss to watch every day. Especially the poor three-year little girl who dances as if a Barbie doll to the tunes of music outside the class is an eye-catcher for me. To my surprise, she is singing like little Latha Mangeshkar also. She is the daughter of the male servant who serves tea and coffee to all the shops in that commercial complex. This kid is a classic example of born talented. I smile at her for every cute and charming act she performs. Her cuddling expressions in reply to me make her more beautiful. In a shorter time, we became good friends. I have to gift her with many chocolates and small gifts to make her my friend. In return, she makes me happy and recharged with her cute little dance and kisses. Inside I was wishing my baby would come up the same way one day.

 Days have been rolling over so fast but the trails of our test tube are not picking the same speed. Many medical examinations every week. Many bills and multiple Reports. The same old disappointment in my family and me, which has now become a routine to me. To come out of this moody blues I have joined the corporate Responsibility program (CRP) organized by my company. As a part of this initiative, once in a weekday, I have to visit one government school along with a team of my colleagues and conduct a few English teaching classes to the poor kids. On the first day of my CRP program, I was all excited to give my best to the little stars. The joy of giving is double the joy of taking is so true, I felt for the first time.

Surprising! My little angel and my dear friend appeared even here. The popular old evergreen Hutch network advertisement tuned inside me, "You and I in this beautiful world, Green grass, and blue skies. I could not resist picking her into my arms.

I taught her a couple of Rhymes. She grasped all the rhymes quite fast. The soft corner I have on her making me surprised for every small act of her. Not sure. I am least bothered about the logic behind it.

 After tried some office work the scene at home today made me more tired full. Radhamma has not been coming to work for the last few days. My mother in law suggested to take her out of work. I decided to do the same once she is back. The next day a woman stood out of my house, she informed me Radhamma's husband is been admitted to hospital. I inquired about the hospital details just thought to visit him. My busy life did not allow me to visit the hospital. Finally, Radhamma came after 10 days. I was shocked to see her as a widow. She started weeping the moment she confronted me. From all her feeble words, what I got is an unknown disease that took her husband away. I consoled her within my limits I can. However, Radhamma is coming regularly to work yet I could not see the same old Radhamma anymore. She is quite depressed and weak. These days she is not talking as she used to do. She was like a lost soul always mute though alive. I tried several times to cheer up her but could not succeed. Probably on passing some time, she may regain to back, I thought.

 My mother in law was like an angry bird this morning. The reason behind was Radhamma's husband died with AIDS and Radhamma hid about the disease. I felt her anger was meaningless and her demand to take her off the work, as she was a wife of AIDS patient sounded me like scrap, silly and rubbish. In between our intense arguments on this topic, I did not realize when Radhamma arrived. She left the house with full of tears. My mood was complete switched off. The important meetings and the busy calls pulled me to the office. In the meantime, my mother in law appointed a new house cleaner at home. The point of Radhamma not coming home slipped away from my mind amid mundane tasks. 

It was another week of my CRP at the same school. All the kids rushed out suddenly from the school. The reason was one of the student's mother committed suicide. I took my heels to the suicide spot along with my colleagues. I was shocked, alarmed and felt the ground under my feet shaking at the spot. Life is an exam where the syllabus is unknown and question papers are not set. Is this exam for me now? Radhamma committed suicide. My little angel is Radhamma's daughter. Oh, God! At what a junction you left me. The innocent, charming and cute sweetie is vomiting the poison. Lying on the ground and struggling for her life. No one is approaching close to the child. I screamed for the ambulance and quick help. My colleagues reacted quickly and gave a call to the emergency helpline. 

 Few people in the crowd warning me not to touch the child, saying the kid's parents are dead by AIDS. I was least bothered about their unwanted and ignorant suggestions. On the way to ST. Mother Teresa, the hospital I was praying and urging God to save the innocent child. I was rubbing her feet and tapping her cheeks to ensure she remains conscious. I do not know why I am crying like mad for the child. What is the relation between us? The few memorable happy moments I spent with her are making me feel so. Alternatively, the connection I have with Radhamma is making me feel so. Unclear about the reason behind. That is not what I am worried about at this moment. I just want to see the child smiling back.

At the Hospital arrival, I screamed Doctor! Doctor! Please help, please save. They rushed her to the ICU room. The hospital staff requested me to wait at the reception. At the statue of Mother Teresa in the waiting hall, the lines in bold were "Serving the humankind is serving the Lord". I spoke inside myself with Mother Teresa staring at the statue. Mother "You have never conceived yet a mother to many children". "You never delivered yet you bared more than the labor pains defending the unreasonable protests from society while serving the orphans". Does a woman need to conceive and deliver to become a Mother? In between my silent conversation, the nurse approached me. Good news madam, the child is out of danger. The nurse appeared to me as if a messenger sent by God. I said Thanks a lot with tears filled out of joy, I ran to the bed to see my little angel.

I hugged the little angel. She slowly whispered in my ears "Amma".I was inconsolable this time. The Mother in me woke up. I replied "sweetie, I am your Mother, call me again "Amma". I celebrated my Mother Hood with my little angel. To interrupt our joy, my phone rang. It was my Hubby in a sad tone, Shweta we failed again, the Report says we are unfit for test tube conceiving. I answered him with pride in my voice "No problem, I delivered just now. Congrats, we are parents now! 

I was completing the discharge formalities at the hospital; the nurse was asking me what is the relation to the patient? I proudly said "Mother". Mam, Child name, please. "Radha". Yes, Radhamma is alive in her little angel who is now all mine. How wrong was Radhamma, it is not our blood that makes a woman "Mother". The Mother Hood in every woman who can see her child in any children around makes a Mother.

I stepped out with my little Radha with pride. On the way home, I bought new clothes, toys, and chocolates for my daughter. My little girl's smile and her tight hug gave me enough strength to defend my family and adopt my Radha. I think this is the day where I passed one of the toughest exams of life with an unknown syllabus. Long way to pass and handle many more unset question papers of life. I am sure the little fingers I hold would give me all the strength in my life journey. It was on May 14th-Mother's Day. Wonderful eventuality.