Found and lost

Ever since I was a toddler, I always wished for an elder brother. I begged God to bless me an elder brother. I'm the single child of my parents, born into a nuclear family. I couldn't understand why I wished for nothing but an elder brother, whether it was to be cared for, pampered, teased, or to feel protected.

 

I remember during my early school days, some senior class Bhaiya's pampered me as I was cute; people complimented me on this. I tied Rakhee and got chocolates as a gift. I do not have a sweet tooth, so chocolates weren’t my interest. My heart melted for the pampering that was showered on me as a little sister. All these were temporary till the seniors remained in school, and then poor me was left alone to play with sand and soil.

Years passed by from a school kid to a college girl, stepping out of my hometown into a metropolis, but my wish and prayer never changed. Slowly, the universe was on the path of listening to my prayers. God answered my prayers, and I was gifted by my elder brother. My senior in college, a very talented person. He was the same as I wished for in my brother. He was caring and loving as a parent, protective and scolding as a bada bhai, and he recognised my talent and nurtured it, helped me with studies and projects, and asked for my help too for his project so that I could learn. We were in fashion college and had similar dreams and goals of starting our own business. Life was delightful in his presence; we shared every pain and joy with each other, every day-to-day activity. Everything was good in the first six years following the year 2007. I was feeling happy and found in me a cheerful, naughty, happy girl. We laughed together, faced challenges together. However, I got all the filtered parts of all those challenges and tensions as he was the shield in front of me and a strong backbone.

He got a job in another city, and he had to leave as I was his junior campus placement for a year later. My brother informed me that he had been hired. Stupid me was not happy; in fact, I was numb, unsure whether I should be happy because he had gotten a job or cry because he was leaving for another city far away, leaving me alone. He left for a new place. We could talk to each other through calls and texts. He returned after a year as he got a new job in the city, and I also got a job. We also started our work along with our job at first. We failed in one venture, then started another; no profit, no loss business; it was still we carried on, never stopped. I never felt sad in his presence. Even if I was sad, worried, or tense, all these feelings never remained for long hours as we were each other’s mental strength and support.

All was good, even if some days were unpleasant due to work tension, until the day my brother shared that he liked a girl and would marry her if all fell into place. I had no opposite reaction at that moment till a few days later. I slowly felt some changes, which I couldn't accept. Then, silent resentment took place in my mind, and I blamed the presence of the third person for the changes. Hatred for her took place, and I opposed the relationship, telling him to part ways as I didn't like her. He didn’t refuse my demand and tried to convince me, but my bitterness increased and was at its peak when I saw her name in the list of our work partners. I fought with him, shouted at him, stopped meeting, attending calls; I used to wait for Rakhee but then I escaped on the day and on other festivals too; I felt I was no more important to him; he kept me convinced that it’s not at all what I think. I was blinded by anger. I couldn’t see anything good. I made my life hell, slowly trapped in depression, which started affecting my body, and my lungs became weak and I faced difficulty in breathing. I distanced myself from him in order to forget him so that I would stop interfering and messing up his life, but I couldn’t do so and slowly killed myself.

 I lost interest in everything and lived life like an on-off machine. I lost my smile, laughter, and cheerfulness. Every single day I thought of him and tried to talk to him, but the anger stopped. Maybe it was just me who was thoughtful. Quite often we met, but it used to be a silent meeting with more silence and few words, tears in my eyes and in his heart. He kept on persuading me to come back and be as before. I tried, but I couldn’t. Once, on his repeated appeal to meet that girl, I agreed. We met, but I failed in making things good. In fact, I worsened. Since then, I never met my brother, nor did we talk, not even by text.

It’s been many long years I haven't even counted how many years have passed. I miss him every day, I'm sure he won't be thinking of me even by mistake. I wish I could talk to him and be back, but I have no courage and I'm scared too. I pray to God to see him or meet him one day by chance, as the world is round and people meet each other again. He must be a successful businessman now, married to his love. I'm a lost lady only fulfilling my duties and responsibilities. I feel lost somewhere with zero interest in anything, missing my laughter, cheerfulness, happiness and the naughty me.