Memento

Everyone has people in their life who they love with all their hearts, expecting it to last till forever ends. They fall for each other and some end up being together by taking the seven vows and promises with their "7 pheras". I being an ordinary girl, too had someone, the only one in fact. I wonder why destiny made us meet when it was not meant to be forever, left unanswered.

I remember I had just completed my schooling, 2008; and was preparing myself for my further studies to an outstation - Dehradun. I was enjoying my holidays and was full of excitement for the new beginning to a different city. Delhi was no more exciting because I was staying with my family. I was at an age when every kid wants freedom, privacy and a lot of space. I was being told that staying away from family will make me a strong woman and I will learn about self-dependence. While all this was happening, love happened. I probably had no idea what life had in store for me, love was something I never thought existed in real life.

We met on a social media platform, became friends and conversation started. He was that cute dusky guy with dimples I had a crush on when I was in school. He was a senior and had an image of being a Casanova. He was someone who never noticed or even saw me in school, and I was someone who would always notice him in the prayer line giggling around or doing crazy things with his friends. Those were the days, the golden times. He never knew me in school! He never knew I existed! Then the time came, he graduated from my school and we all moved on. I never felt the same for any other guy in my class or school, the way I had felt for him.

Now, when we were in touch I did not want to lose the connection but I was scared- scared of being rejected if I expressed what I feel. I always kept degrading myself because I was no beautiful or a pretty girl he would choose to fall for. Finally, my bags were packed, a week was left for me to leave this city. I had gone to a nearby market with my sister to buy a few things which were needed for a wedding party that we had to attend that evening. And right in front of a flower shop, he was there. I could recognise him but he did not. Yes, he did not realize am the same girl he has been talking to and flirting around over chats and calls. It was his brother's wedding reception and I thought we would be meeting later in the evening and he would probably recognise me then. But I was disappointed, nothing like that happened and things did not happen the way I thought or expected.

It was time for me to leave, 2009. I had moved on from such casual events and thought the best is yet to happen. It took months for me to settle down in the new city and I was not active in any of my social media accounts. I remember not being so addictive even to log in check for updates. I had my own struggles there, homesickness was breaking me down. I was hating most of the things like the hostel food which sometimes had dead baby cockroaches, my bed being used by my roommates, money being stolen, books being stolen, shampoo bottles being stolen and whatnot. I needed a break so badly but my home was so far, running away was not easy with 230 bucks in my wallet. I remember I had started feeling depressed because I did not have good friends there, everyone was from a different background and not much friendly.

So, I decide to go to this cyber cafe which was nearby to my hostel and they had amazing chowmein. I was trying hard to cope up with everything around and I thought spending a good time alone might help. I went to this café ordered a plate of chowmein and logged in my social media account. The first thing that brought a smile on my face was seeing his messages. His five "Hey" messages brought a smile on my face, isn't that silly? I was feeling like going back to Delhi and be with my own people. His messages were temporary happiness to me, I had to enter my hostel by 5 and it was time. I log off quickly and reach my hostel room. That day I kept thinking of him like should I talk to him? Should I give him my new number? Does he even know that am not in Delhi? Should I tell him I was angry because he did not even talk to me at his brother's wedding reception? But I gave up thinking too much, feeling devasted.

It was almost eight months and the hostel life was pathetic. A warden who was nice to people who kept pleasing her, two roommates who were real thieves, the food at the mess almost killed me, amongst all that I ended up getting trapped in dirty politics. Being unaware of what people planned around when I was so busy concentrating on other things, I was shocked and scared. I wanted to run away right at that moment. That's when I missed my family the most, I wanted to be in Delhi with them who love me. And it was the ninth month, I came back home telling my mom dad that I never want to leave them again. It was tough! Why wasn't I ever told about the world outside where people with creepy thoughts exist! Coming back to Delhi felt like I got my second life, I was breathing fresh air here. After a few months, I got admission in Delhi's college and everything was on a happy track again.

I became active on my social media accounts and finally, I replied to his "Hey, Hi, Whatsup" messages. I think I had grown up then, in the context of maturity! I felt replying to his messages would no harm to both of us. And my birthday month came, he finally planned to meet me up and wish me. I was nervous and shaking badly and I was so conscious about my looks and height. I wished to be a little tall, a little perfect in my body shape, whitened teeth, manicured hands, I was so much conscious about my appearance that day. It was my birthday evening and I chose to meet him in my normal clothes and put on make-up because I wanted him yo accept me the way I am (even though I had been underestimating myself throughout ).

We met, and I told myself "is he that same cute guy I was crazy about? How did he put on so much weight that even his dimples are not visible! Yes, he was this fat now, I guess 100 kgs but still handsome to me. My feelings started getting stronger for him as we began meeting every alternate day. He would call more often, his never-ending messages were like medicine doses for me now. We both were meeting as friends even though we both knew there was something more than just a normal friendship.

Months went by, his attitude and behaviour towards me had started changing. He told me one night that he has started liking me and wants to spend more time with me. But I was getting confused with the way he had started treating me, it wasn't probably the same person I once was crazy for. The person who would never fail to call me 50 times a day, had suddenly started to ignore me. He would always let me know whenever he was busy in his shop or leaving for his shop or going home for lunch from his shop. Yes, he was a shopkeeper and I had no clue about it because he would always mention that he has a huge travel agency where he is the boss and pretty good number of employees who work under him.

He had lied to me before, a lot of times. He lied about his education, about the friends he hangs out with, his female friends, his usual daily routines, everything. I did feel bad whenever I caught him lying, but I never questioned him. We did have fights and arguments but he never seemed that it all affects him in any way. So this person had suddenly stopped talking to me and I knew something was not right. I wanted to ask and clear out things but he would make an excuse saying "busy at work, ttyl". I was going mad but I had to stay calm. I could not show him that his behaviour is affecting me, I did not want to show him how emotionally weak I am. Moreover, I wanted to set him free instead of nagging and having him think that am like the other girlfriends who complain and cry. This kept on going for a week and I became sure that he did not want me anymore. We both got busy in our lives, I was okay in a few weeks. I kept myself busy with college and studies to divert my mind.

One evening, while I was coming back home with a friend of mine, I saw a car rashly driven and loud music played with people inside. The person driving, seemed to be familiar. It was him! He seemed happy. He saw me, yes, but I my cold reaction to him was enough to tell him we are strangers. That night he called me, he was drunk and was with one-off his friends. He told me he missed me. We talked for hours and everything was good between us now. I remember I was crying the whole night, it was raining outside and I knew I was in love with this person. It was a crazy love, I was so crazy that I wanted to meet him in the middle of the night and hug him and tell him to never leave me again. I never thought he would call me drunk.

We started meeting every day. He would come to me after closing his shop, every day. This kept on going for months and hi birthday came. It was May-evening and I was more excited than him for his birthday. It was his first birthday that we both were about to celebrate together. I handmade a huge birthday card with cute things written inside and the cake ordered was on time. I was waiting for him to pick me up from my place, that's what he planned - to meet me was the first thing he was going to do that day. But it was afternoon, he wasn't answering my calls. I consoled myself saying he must be busy with his family today.

I changed my clothes and received a message from him sating he would see me in the evening. I agreed. It was 6, then 7, then 8 and it was getting late for me but I waited. His friend came to pick me up. It was a bad evening, he came later to join me and his friend and then his phone rang. It was his friend's girlfriend who said something and the phone was on speaker. So, I did not even know that there was another girl who was more excited and had planned a birthday surprise for my boyfriend. I chose to give no reaction to that conversation because it was his birthday and I did not want to spoil it. I only wanted to make it special for him. I was hurt, I asked him to drop me back home so that he could see her another girlfriend who planned so many things for him. I wanted to ask him so many things but my trust was broken, I was feeling weak.

I stopped talking to him and that went on for a few months. He did call me in between to explain but I knew I could not let someone use my generosity. But soon, I gave up and ended up being in touch with him again. Now, this had started changing, there was no purity or innocence in the relationship that we were sharing. Even though we were with each other, I never felt it was love from his part. Yes, he was doing everything from meeting him to giving his whole time but I was expecting an emotional attachment rather than just his physical presence. He would only meet to get physical and gradually we started having less conversation and only sex. He would try convincing me every time saying that it's normal and he loves and this will only strengthen our bond. Even if I would ask him at times to take me out for a movie or something, he will make an excuse that he has no money or that he had a tough day.

His other excuses would include he wants to have beer and chill at his place with me. I was not enjoying what he was doing to me, it was painful and my body was not still comfortable with it. It was difficult for me to say NO to what he was doing, whenever I tried having a conversation that we won't have sex he would get offended. I accept, I was addicted to him now and his presence in my life was important for my living because I was emotionally dependant on him. I was scared what if he leaves me, he had other girls too but I could not afford to lose him and the best was to let things happen.

Then, it was too much and enough for me. I realised I had just him in my life, I had boycotted all my friends and I would usually drop plans for outings with them. I had changed to a different person, I would fight with my parents and be with him. I failed and took four years to complete my graduation, instead of three. I would not take up a job because that would mean less time spent with him. I was making all the wrong choices because the only thing I thought I would have in my life was him.

Instead of the physical intimacy, there was no other attachment we had. And that was something I wanted to break away from. My real struggle had begun.

Yes, I wanted to come out of that circle which was making my life dull. I was done letting him rape my emotions. I wanted to be with him, I never cared about about his financial status or his appearance but his actions hurt me. He would often make me feel disgusted about my physical appearance and make me feel that no one else would ever choose a partner like me. These hampered my self-confidence and I was dying to remove this phase from my memory.

It was new years, 2015 when the first time I understood why a new year resolution is important. That year, I promised myself to never go back to that relationship that is not fruitful to any of us. It was that one thing which was making me emotionally weak and was not letting me grow in life. It was difficult for me to not be in contact with him, but I gave all my efforts to stick to my resolution. It was a challenge for me to myself to remove this person from my life and overcome the pain.

He did try to contact me through texts and emails, I blocked him from there too. There would be times when I unblocked him, typed a message and then delete it and block him back again. There were times I would see him around looking at me and I making myself strong and ignoring it. His wife would often give me a dirty look as if I am a pest or something, I ignore all that keeping myself strong.

Yes, memories did take time to fade away. The year I cut all contacts from him, is the year he got married to another girl. That made things easier, I took up a job and kept myself busy.

It's 2019, I am still healing. Every situation in my past taught me something. I am taking my own time to become a better person. I don't regret but I do feel bad at times for empathizing too much and putting my self-respect at stake.