Lost But Found

Dear people of the world,

This is the story of me. The me that you might have in yourself. The me that you are running from before it engulfs you and pulls you down into nothingness. This is the story of us, against the monster depression.

It’s hard to remember what exactly started this. Was it a ‘too fat’ tease from my friends or a ‘too ugly’ comment from others. I questioned myself of what I lacked. I asked others. And I was always too fat, too ugly, too studious and too reserved for them. But then I changed. I changed myself. And so did the comments that came my way. Now I was too skinny, too dark, too lazy and too friendly to question my character.

Initially, I couldn’t really understand what is happening.. but slowly when people started avoiding having a conversation with me it all started making sense. Of course they wouldn’t want to be associated with a loser like me. This isolation on so many levels left me so so frustrated. And that’s when my want for finding a release became so huge that I resorted to cutting my self. It was an effective way of numbing myself from all the other things that I was feeling and seeing and experiencing. I felt terribly lost. I had lost my original self. I couldn’t meet the standards with the new self. And now I. was. lost.. lost enough that it seemed nearly impossible to get out of it.

All these things were cutting my heart right out of my chest.. making me believe that it was my demons that knew the best. These demons were destructive and were knocking out the life I knew. I was angry at the whole universe. But most of all angry at myself. And then I saw the cuts that I had made. When I was low I used to again cut them with blade. Because I just wanted to stop existing because it was too much work otherwise. I could see grades slipping away just like my pathetic excuse of a life. I had no interest in getting better. I just didn’t care anymore.

How are you? Was the most dreaded question for me of all times. Because I knew I was far far away from my standard response of ‘I am fine’. No I wasn’t. I knew I had shut people out. The calm on my face was an ongoing sin. People believed that I was living what could be ‘someone else’s dream’ because their demons was outside and mine inside for no one to see. I just felt so disconnected from myself. People thought I was suicidal and wanted to end my life.. it wasn’t that life that I wanted to end but the demons that were inside me.

I cried on almost everything and felt absolutely nothing. I did not feel like doing anything. Even getting out of the bed was a task. I used to wake up every morning only to feel why had I even gotten up. And sleep every night only in the hope that my eyes will not open. And you know what the worst part about all of this was? People assumed my rapid rise and fall of chest was breathing when actually I was suffocating. I was totally messed up. All I wanted was the world to swallow me up and reach the end. 

I was just so so fed up. All I wanted to do was get over all this. And the millions of hours that I had spent thinking made me realize that I didn’t need to be saved. Most of all I needed to be found. This thought opened my mind and guess what did I see? A number of things that I could be. And I chose to be happy. But it wasn’t as easy as blink of eye. I walked and crawled and fell and stood to stick to what I chose to be. And it certainly wasn’t being depressed. It’s truly said when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I took a not so easy decision to change. Failed miserably for my demon was well equipped but I kept on going. I had been lost, but I am not a loser. I was fractured but not broken. I had failed, but was not a failure. I have fallen hard but will get up again. And will get up a million times with the help of my people. The people who I love and who are in love with me.

The dark days are over. I feel blessed to have been given this gift of life. I can breathe freely, take in this fresh air, let go off this pain. I can and I will. I choose to take responsibility for my own happiness. I am no longer going to let my mind be bound by the shackles of my negative perceptions and apprehensions. I choose to accept myself just the way I am. I gather up all my courage and bloom. I’m this little flower that is starting to slowly open up its beautiful, colourful petals to the world, about to leave my mark. I’ve emerged victorious. The world is a blank canvas and now I’m ready to paint it!!!!

From,

Healed Me