Irreplaceable You

She was gone. Just like that. The fact shattered my reality, I lost my hold on consciousness, I tried to run from it like a murderer from the crime site but couldn't, truth gripped me, ceased my pursuit and threw me mercilessly towards the void she had left behind for me. 

But she indeed was gone, like a short lived equinox, leaving me behind lonely, strangled 'tween her thoughts. At first, I couldn't take it in, but when the emptiness hit me, I felt thousands of shards tearing through me, my soul, I felt as if every muscle of my body was being ripped out, it hurt, I felt hurt.

I picked up my phone, it had no notifications, no message pop-ups, no stupid emoji replies in messenger, nothing. I opened our chats and sent her a ' Hi ' and waited, waited for the lone grey tick to turn a double blue, and then to typing, but it didn't. I again typed "you busy?", "I need you now baby", "you can have all of me, I won't tell I am busy ok", 'I won't run away this time ok, I'll pick up your call and I'll listen, I'll listen about your cousins, your fight with the cafe manager, what all you cooked and what all you didn't, I'll hear every goddam thing alright, everything you say, just pls reply, pls.... ' . What I was aiming for, what I expected from this?, I don't know, maybe this atheist was trying to persuade his belief, urging to see a miracle, helplessly begging for a miracle, praying for the first time. Praying for justice, love craving for love, body craving for the soul.

I tasted salt. My eyes had given up, they couldn't fake maturity anymore, they were helplessly weeping. A thought struck me, I mumbled to myself, 'I didn't obey your order to drink water more frequently so now you are making me drink my own tears, hah! Bitch! , Why did you do this to me, why ?? , Why did you promise me eternity when you couldn't keep it'. I shoved away my phone, it struck the wall with a dull thud and it's screen guard shattered into a million irregular tiny polygons. I didn't care to pick it up.

I walked to the balcony, the setting sun had cast a brilliant haze of red, yellow and pink, the view was astonishing but I longed for the moon that day, which seemed to be missing on the horizon. I found myself helpless, hopeless, I had been quite a brag before, gloating and weaving traps of numerous lies of how I will always keep her alive in my words. I don't know why I had said that why I had given her those moments of false hope, promises of forever love. Forever is a rather crooked word come to think now. In this virtual world, it's a snap at reality, a betrayal to trust.

I walked back to my study, the vanishing twilight was bringing with it fake promises of eternal love. I picked up my pen and tried to write something, but it won't write, the ink had dried up maybe, a pen always stands for a cause, a reason, maybe today it had lost all of them. I sat back, my body ached and I felt as if I had been awake forever, I tried to remember her face but couldn't, it felt as if I was grieving for some mysterious soul which wasn't actually real but a mere figment of my imagination. I felt guilty of having thought like that, stating my only reality in this fake world as imagination. I started scribbling again and this time the pen worked maybe snapping at me that grief is not constant and that I will eventually move on and that life should go on. Was it possible? I thought, will time erase her from my memory as it did for every other griever. Is that justice, forgetting someone who meant the world to you once only because they weren't physically present now. Was it fair? Walking away from the present into the future, moving on. Was it as simple as that?

I wrote her name with the same cursed ink. The same ink with which I once had lured her into loving me, made promises, promises that I couldn't keep, promises that she didn't let me keep. I picked up the phone, the screen lock demanded her name but I couldn't get my fingers to type them, it seemed as if they were complaining too, longing to feel her one last time, longing to fiddle with her hair one last time. I could feel her touch on me, I could feel her hair on me, I could feel her somehow suddenly and even though I knew that my brain was playing its filthy games on me I didn't oppose. I felt good at that moment. I knew it was madness, but madness felt good.

I opened the chat box, she hadn't seen my msgs, I scrolled up and saw her last msg, the previous night's, "I love you", I broke into tears, I couldn't take it anymore and started wailing like a baby, "Lier!!, Lier !!" I started screaming, I screamed till I could breathe no more, I screamed till I could think no more. After a while the wailing changed into maddening laughter but the tears won't stop, I felt like I was choking but I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, moments I spent with her was swirling in front of my eyes like a kinetoscope, I felt unreal, the world felt unreal.

I woke up with a start, my heart racing like a Petronas F1 race car, the surrounding was all messed up, I was gleaming with sweat and the background was filled with shrill cries of Brian Johnson singing thunderstruck. I got up picked up the ringing phone, it was her, she was complaining about my sleeping habits, I felt resurrected, I felt alive, although it was just a nightmare it seemed so real, so goddam real, I was so happy to hear her voice. She finished and asked if I was paying attention, I couldn't find my speech, I struggled and managed blubbering, "I love you".            

The sun was bright outside, trees were swinging gay, sky was clear, everything alive out there promised life.