If I Lose You

You are the reason I take a breath every second. You are the reason I'm still here. You are the reason I've been able to collect myself. You are the reason I've looked up at god on my darkest days and smiled at him, saying 'you haven't met my mom, yet'.

Sometimes, it feels like you are the only strength keeping this family together and nobody tries to acknowledge that. Nobody says 'thank you' to you. Nobody asks you 'how has your day been?' But, you care so much and it's so unfair that we don't thank you enough for that.

I remember this one time I cribbed so much for those plastic crayons and you agreed to go buy them for me. That was the day you hurt your back. So bad, that you needed surgery. Even now, I know that when you have to bend to pick up something and no one's around, you do it all by yourself. Look at me mom, I get so angry at you when you try to read from my slam book or you try to joke about me having a boyfriend. I know you just want me to be happy. And look how lavishly I fail at doing the same for you. But you never mind, do you? Hearing my voice makes you happy, you say. How magical is that?

You've grown old, you've started carrying these bags around your eyes and you've lost that youthful shine from your face, you say but mom, I have never in my entire life, seen a more beautiful woman. I don't even have to imagine how you looked when you were younger. That's because you grow more beautiful every single day.

Sometimes when you pull me in your embrace and tell me to sleep, I just look at you, breathing deeply, looking like an angel, sleeping peacefully and you get irritated I know but mom, how can I keep my eyes away from something that never grows out of beauty?

You are my spine. My healer. My remedy. My soft spot. You are my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. Every day I shout at you or say 'I don't wanna talk to you', please don't try to console me, mom. Hit me hard in the face. Make me realise that I'm nothing without you. Make me see that you've bled every day to keep this home and family running because mom, you don't know how much I'd lose if I lose you.

I love you. So much.