How Blue Is My Sapphire !!
How Blue Is My Sapphire !!8 mins 19K 8 mins 19K
As she said, “I Do” to the man who was slipping the ring on her finger, her fear burned brighter than ever before. That fear of losing someone she loved. She wanted this man to know that in the bottom of her heart there is a crack. That ring she just wore with a smile and which has a sapphire on it looked like the blue of a clear sky just minutes after sundown. She always feared looking at the sky, that blue sky where she sees the aging remnants of a withering ideal. Cubicle of clouds moving and vanishing reminded her of the death of real people around her- one by one! She has a past. Yes, she does. It’s her past that made her what she is today. She is stronger because she had to be. No matter how dark it was, she always believed that the light will always be on her side. But we all have our crosses to bear. Suddenly all the pieces were fit together in a moment of an intuitive perception. Her past crossed her mind with a chain of thoughts.
The hour of despair started that day when she found loads of call from her family members as she checked her phone. And then came this shocking news – You were gone?! Gone? Gone where?! She remembers herself asking and not comprehending, at the explanation that you had collapsed that morning and then, you were gone!
She doesn’t know how she felt seeing her father there looking so peaceful, like he was just sleeping, but was never going to wake up. As all the relatives were wondering around, crying, wailing and hugging each other, she stood totally lost not knowing anything about how she felt or what to say or do. She felt numb…
It did not matter to her whether it had been weeks, months or years she knew that this pain will pinch her for a lifetime. Day and night, she reaches into the past trying to coax the old world into the new, though it was impossible. She wished she could just turn back the time and live out every single day she spent with him. Her father never told her how to live, he lived and she learnt by watching him. She grew up to be exactly like him. And suddenly he was not there, now she knows the pain of being so aimless, powerless, heartless, helpless and fatherless… With the thousands of thoughts which would come to her mind every day, she was trying to know her answer to the question ‘Y’…. Y only with her! But there was no answer to her grief. She remembered this story told by her grandma about Sage Parshurama who with a boon brought back her mother to life. How true were these stories or just myth? Do they really mean anything in the real world or they are just false beliefs? If they do, she was ready to do anything to bring her father back to life or to get that boon. Every thought that came to her mind took her altogether to the different view towards life and death. Every night she slept with a thought that next morning she will wake up to know that whatever happened was just a nightmare like a horrible dream and everything is fine the way it was earlier. She lived with an illusion but someday she had to realize that she was living a lie. “But sometimes you don’t want to hear the truth because it will destroy the illusion you live in”.
But she always had that someone to share grief and pain with her. He has always been there to support her. Greg had felt her pain all this while and sat with his head resting on her knee trying to comfort her. Greg, her dog has been there with her for years. It was Greg who showed her unconditional love and taught her the lessons of life to live simply love generously and to care deeply. He told her a thousand times that she was her only reason of his being; by the way he rests against her legs; by the way he thumps his tail at her smallest smile and by the way he showed his hurt when she left without taking him. His devotion and love always gave her a secret comfort and peace. She would forget her grief when he kept his head on her knee. She was trying to look ahead in her life with this small bundle of love. But how could she forget that everything on this earth comes with an end. That day she got to know this better and again when someone she truly loved was taken from her yet again. And this time it was Greg.
We become what we leave behind and for her it was just suffering and loneliness. She felt like a storm trapped in the middle of a calm sea. Months and years passed. They say- Time heals all the wounds. No! Those wound just get several layers and we get habitual to that pain. It’s just a version of saying- “With Time you will get used to it” …
Life goes on and she had to make peace with it. But the lesson she learnt was that goodbyes had something to start in her, the kind of thing which was not meant to be explained but she had to solve it on her own.
After months of waiting, that creeping, crippling sense of crushing dread finally she felt a little better. She went out with her friends. The night was young, dark and fresh. And that was when she saw him. At least she thought it was him, it was those eyes, those hair, the facial features and his dark smoky eyes. Was she falling in love again! That one fraction of a moment was the kind of feeling that could take a lifetime to get over. And yes, that was him… They met, talked for hours and that’s when she knew he was the one she wanted to spend her life with.
Riya…Riya... She heard her name and came out of her thoughts and memories that played like a movie reel behind her eyes. She looked at Nitin and that ring she gave her. He was standing right there with his charming smile. He looked so happy. But what happened to her suddenly! Why was his face getting blur! Why couldn’t she see Nitin?? And she collapsed.
The moment she opened her eyes, may be after an hour or so she found herself at a Doctor’s clinic. Doctor asked with his calming voice, what happened to her? She barely could even look at him and her tears started falling. She tried in gulping, choking breath to answer his simple question. She told him everything. He listened to the explanation carefully, although how he understood a word she said, was simply amazing.
“Anxiety” He said, it looks like you are suffering from anxiety. And she looked at him with her big eyes wide open. He explained- Sometimes when you think about things way too much and your mind is occupied with endless menial thoughts. You tend to find your brain loosened or lapsed. That’s when you struggle to breath. Anxiety is a state of being anxious and concerned about imminent and future difficulty.
When she told this to Nitin, He looked up and so many expressions crossed his face. He walked over, sat down and held her hands. He held her close and she could feel his sadness and his strong heartbeat. She wished more than anything else that she hadn’t spoken about this; skipped over the need to share this with him. She started to feel his sadness grow. She knew that it was his love for her that he wanted to protect her from fear, from being hurt and sad.
She remembers him saying to her once ‘I have nothing to hide, nothing that can hurt you. But you and your thoughts are the only things that hurt you more than anything else.’
He was so right then. Her brain hurts her. Maybe he doesn’t know, he can’t see the way she takes deep breath, the way she clasps her hand over her face like a person struggling for air. But at this moment when she looks at him, she dares not to share with him her fear as she noticed him glancing at an attractive young woman. She knows the more she shared the more of him she will lose.
What a strange predicament she finds herself in! How she wishes for her life 5-6 years ago and avoid circumstances to have led her to become this person. She suddenly realized how she was taking air from him. How she had been so strange to him all this while. Why she could never love him wholeheartedly? Why she always feared losing him too? Why her past scared her so much? Why was she scared of getting attached to someone?
But today she decided. She had an epiphany, a word to explain her light bulb moment. She saw everything around her with such clarity. That day she decided she would never see her fears.
She gazed at her ring and it scattered the dark blue color which brought clairvoyance and truth in her. She found herself to have a positive attitude towards life. And then she knew why Sapphire is identified with wisdom, piety and perception. How this color looked so different to her now. And now she knew how Blue is her Sapphire...
A thought came to her mind- “All of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am “…
She held his hand and moved towards her destination. He felt the touch of her beloved lady as he never felt before. They gazed at each other and smiled…