GRANDMA TALES:TEN

I am Ruchika, the second child, and the first of the girls born to grandma. Much has already been said about her through stories narrated by her grandchildren, in their inimitable ways. My husband is a doctor, and this gave him a special position in the family and very close proximity to my father who himself was a doctor. What I have chosen to write here is a combination of the experiences I had with my parents, grandma in particular, and my husband’s insights which he shares here with me. So this is a combined effort to unravel the persona of my parents, not just grandma.

My father had a great impact on grandma, and you could see that from her revelations to her grandchildren. Her meeting with my father has been dramatized by her in her tale of the crocodile, which we know is just a story made up for her grandchildren. But in real life too, their meeting was quite dramatic, or so I gather. Reading her stories, I observe that she has very cleverly mixed up fact and fiction in a very acceptable package. There was a crocodile in her life, that part of the story is true. But the way it happened is quite different, and let me tell you the real story of the crocodile.

Grandma had gone out on a picnic to the river with her friends, and there were others too at that time. A group of boys, including my father, were already playing in the river when my mother and her friends got there. There was a mix up leading to some kind of clash between the group of boys and the girls. There was then this challenge, a race between the best of the boys and girls, and my parents got selected for the swimming race. As they swam the race, my mother saw a floating log that was coming towards them. She shouted that a crocodile was coming their way. Panic ensued with the girls and boys swimming ashore to safety. My mother continued swimming, quite to the surprise and concern of the rest of the kids. My father, the version goes, was on the verge of swimming to safety when he realized that mom was not even trying to stop. He suspected foul play and swam up to her. My mom then told dad that she was going to confront the crocodile head-on, and my dad said he would not allow a beautiful girl to fight with a crocodile all alone. He is believed to have told mom that he would go first and ahead of her to face the crocodile. They swam together, laughing away at the panic-stricken friends who were shouting and waving frantically from the river bank. They together reached the “crocodile” and jumped over the log as if they had conquered the crocodile.

From that episode on, my father and mother were known more by the crocodile conquering feat than anything else. And it brought them close enough later to get married.

Grandma was in great awe and respect for her husband. They shared certain common traits, one being fearlessness and the other intelligence. It was a strange combination of talents, for my father’s intelligence was honed by his readings while my mother sharpened her intellect through readings of her own, practical reading I would say. Similarly, the fearless nature of my father was, I think the product of his clear understanding of things around him. Fear, my mother often said, was the product of the unknown and unseen. The moment you know, the fear is reduced. So I guess my father knew a lot of things, and to this knowledge, he added a great deal of understanding also. This was reflected in the way he dealt with patients, and he used to say that half the problem is resolved if you can understand the mental state of the patients. This unique ability led to the creation of his unique brand of treatment, and patients who normally came to him were those recommended by others who had already met my father. On the other hand, this could not be said of my mother who was not literate, as she would say. She also said time and again that people who are in some way handicapped could overcome those handicaps by other means. I think my mother made up for illiteracy with a keen sense of observation. 

My mother, I now see clearly, had this ability to see the things around her and learn from her observations, and, more importantly, retain and further develop those learnings. Most of us, I guess, don’t do that last part well and thus repeat mistakes made in the past. 

Amongst so many things that rush to my mind about mother now, one event comes foremost to my mind, and I believe it must have made some sort of lasting impact on me, for I am now urged to narrate that event to you all.

 I did not want to get married at all. Why I do not know clearly, but in my days of youth and exuberance, I had this strong feeling that marriage was a degenerate institution which served the purpose of turning individuals involved, especially women, into mere vegetables. I wanted to be independent and do things my way, without strings attached. And therefore, I decided that this could happen only if I was not married. I wanted to become an explorer, like Columbus and Vasco De Gama, and many others. It seemed to me that my destiny was to travel, explore and discover the earth in all its pristine glory. My family encouraged me in this and on my own, I had done travels at a time when girls were not allowed to travel alone by their parents. My mother was quite enthusiastic about my travels, which I faithfully recorded in my diaries. I often used to read out my diaries to my mother who told me that she was discovering many new things through my eyes.

I had never discussed marriage with my mother for the occasion arose. But one day, my dad, during dinner broached the subject. I had completed my college education and was touching twenty years of age, the age when marriages happen to girls. My father, it seems, was approached by a friend and colleague of his, a doctor by profession, with a tentative proposal for his son, again a doctor. My father was talking to my mother than me, for marriages in India are the subject of concern of the elders in the family.

My mom, the children’s’ grandma, was excited about the marriage proposal. I think she was excited more by the visions of arranging a grand marriage for her daughter, the activities that it would involve, and all the planning and running around which would keep her engaged for months. She told my father to get more detailed information about the family and the boy, and also exchange horoscopes for verification.

I caught my mother alone after supper and told her I was not getting married. She looked surprised, which was quite natural. But what she said surprised me.

 “That is fine with me. It is good that you have made up your mind so clearly. If you have a boy in mind and are hesitating, please tell me. You see, every parent wants to find the best match for their sons and daughters, that’s part of their dharma. But there is always an element of choice in our decisions. Parents always allow their child, son or daughter to state their choice. Though, I must say, the choice is a formality, meant for the records only and not to be acted upon. But you know me well and you know dad. Your brother did marry a Christian, did he not? With our wholehearted blessings.”

“Mother, I know that and I know you will have no objection to my marrying any man I want or love. It’s not that, you see. I do not want to marry at all. I am in love with nature, and not with any boy. I want to spend my life with nature and its beautiful mysteries, and if I get into a marriage, I know I cannot do that. Besides, I don’t want babies because they are a big responsibility.”

“Married to nature, are you? You cannot be married to something which is you. We are all part of nature, and nature is whole. Whether you get married or not, that arrangement will not change. It is a misfortune that we do not understand nature at all. Do you not think that loving a man as your life partner is not natural? Is not married life a process of discovery of nature? You look at nature in the limited way of trees, plants, mountains, and climate, but that is too narrow a view to have.”

“Mom; I do not want to argue with you. In matters of belief, there can be no argument. It’s personal and I do not expect you or dad to understand what goes in my mind. The fact is I do not want to marry now or ever, and that is it.”

We left it at that, but the process of marriage, once initiated, gained its momentum, despite my intentions. The exchange of photographs and documents were taking place, and to my utter dismay, I found that mother was not appearing keen to explain my viewpoint to dad. When I complained to mom she said: “Look. The mere exchange of photographs and horoscope does not constitute marriage. It is a process, and your dad is happy with the thoughts of finding a match for you. When the time is appropriate, I shall tell your father about your intentions. Meanwhile, you better think of good reasons to support your views on why marriage will upset your plans for life, for your father is going to have a long debate with you on that.”

“Mother, I think I have everything sorted out. I think marriage is not just a family event; it is a momentous event for the individuals involved too. Marriage is not just some dharma, written in your holy books to be followed as a ritual. It is a meeting of minds and souls.”

“So you feel that your mind and your soul cannot meet with any individual, is that so?”

“Correct. Marriage in our society normally means that a girl has to give up her life, her desires, her ambitions and her plans for that of the husband. And I will not allow this to happen. What if one girl in a million does not marry, will heavens fall? Will Gods blame you and dad that you have not done your dharma and will send you to hell?”

Grandma laughed. She said she was not worried that much about Gods blaming her than her husband telling her that she was instrumental in my decision not to marry. Anyway, she said, I can reserve my arguments for dad, and speak when the time comes. I think it is now time for my husband to take over from here, for he has a story to tell you too, about my marriage.

Well, I am Sudhir and I am going to tell you how Ruchi got married, despite her avowed and intense hatred for marriage. While Ruchi was carrying on her virulent campaign to sabotage efforts to marry her off, unknown to her, another campaign had been launched to make her marry. Spearheading that campaign was grandma, who, rather innocently convinced Ruchi that she was on her side. Grandma hated violence and force, and therefore it was not her nature to bring upon any pressure and bear upon her to marry. Though she told Ruchi that her dad was unaware of her intentions, it was not, I believe, true. Grandma spoke to Grandpa about Ruchi even before the photographs were exchanged. Grandpa was worried and wanted a heart to heart talk with Ruchi, which Grandma dissuaded him from doing. She told grandpa and I gather this from grandma herself, that first they had to find a boy who could understand what Ruchika felt and thought and wanted, and only then the marriage could proceed further. She warned grandpa not to brush aside Ruchika’s views about marriage and nature as the immature imaginations of an inexperienced mind.

Grandma and Grandpa examined my background in detail. They found out from my parents all they wanted to know about me. They even, I learned, spoke to friends of mine about me to cross-check what my parents spoke about me. Finally, one day, I was asked by my father to meet grandpa at his clinic. There, I met grandma for the first time. I had seen grandpa at my house a couple of times, but never had the opportunity of talking to him. Grandma was there too.

They did not ask me anything about myself, which was because they already had a great deal of information about me. Instead, I was asked questions about nature, birds and bees and what I felt about them. Frankly, it took me off guard and not being an avid nature lover, I guess I failed their test.

“Look, son,” Grandma said to me. “Our daughter knows a great deal about doctors as her father is one. So you see, she can tune in to you quite easily. If you do not mind my saying this and I say this because we like you and want you to marry Ruchika, it would be impossible for you to love Ruchika if you do not understand her. Even if we get you two married by force, the marriage will not work for you. Therefore, we feel that we should tell you all about Ruchika before we let her meet you. This is not to slight you in any way, no disrespect to your intelligence is meant. Just that we feel that we should depart from the usual way matches are made based on horoscopes and family background. You see these things will not matter in marriage much. What is going to matter is the understanding of differences between individuals, and the art of learning to respect those differences. Knowing my husband, I know doctors are quite simple people. Their thinking is clear and clinical and demands symptoms and cures. But life is just a bit more complex than a doctor’s mind. You may not understand why Ruchika is different in so many different ways unless you understand her mind. We want to tell you something about her mind so that you can make up your mind about her.”

I did not know what to say. I must say, I never thought too much about marriage, apart from it being a stepping stone to a different phase in my life, a step which every man and woman must take. In this part of the world, most males and females are given to the thinking that marriages work out on their own. It is simple. You marry to have kids and look after them till they grow and then marry them off. I was amazed that a lady, who I was told could not read and write, could put forth such a lucid argument about marriage. I felt a bit ashamed that I did not give my marriage such serious thought, even though it was going to affect my life in a big way.

I had not met this girl, Ruchika. I had seen her photograph, but dutiful sons don’t interfere with their parents any more than evincing a casual interest in the girl. Parents like to deal with the nitty-gritty’s of marriage on their own, based on their experience and understanding. I was not very keen to upset or interfere with that tradition. But now, the parents of the girl had managed to arouse my curiosity about the girl. I wondered what the girl would be like, whose illiterate mother can talk so intelligently. I urged them to go on, while at the same time I rested in the comfort of the knowledge that it would be finally me who decides on the marriage. Apart from Ruchika.

For more than an hour, grandma told me Ruchika’s life story in the same manner that she narrates stories to her grandchildren. I was helplessly trapped in the spell, like her grandchildren. At the end of it, my mind was reeling. She had made my decision about Ruchika so complicated that one part of me wanted to get out of this proposal as quickly as possible. Marrying Ruchika, it seemed to me, was like marrying someone far more educated, intelligent and smarter than me. I feared that I could not match up to Ruchika the way she could match up to me, and the marriage would spell doom for me.

“Don’t be put off by what you have heard from us.” Grandpa could sense my confusion and he was eager to allay my apprehensions. You must meet Ruchika and talk to her once and then both of you will tell us what to do. And that is how my meeting with Ruchika came to be.

I will leave Ruchika to tell you what happened next.

Doesn’t this all sound like some cloak and dagger stuff to you? Indeed it was, a conspiracy hatched by my mother and actively abetted by my father. I don’t know how many of you have heard of marriages arranged in such a devious way. And there was I, most unsuspecting, and my conviction growing strong with the kind of support my mother was seemingly giving me in my efforts to remain independent. And all the time, right under my nose, my parents were plotting to marry me off.

The meeting with my husband did not get arranged the way normal meetings do. It was as bizarre as the other circumstances surrounding my marriage. My husband bumped into me “accidentally” at a store where I was “sent” to make some “purchases”. I did not recognize him and it was he who walked up to me and politely introduced himself as Dr. Shikar. He explained that he had recognized me from the photograph sent by my parents for the marriage, and enquired whether I would be comfortable enough to have tea with him at the restaurant nearby. 

 I was being led into a trap, and I was unaware of it. Dr. Shikar began talking about himself and his work, and then, before I knew, he switched the subject to nature. I realize now, one should never develop a weakness for anything, for that is what leads to your downfall. The moment the subject changed, I awoke and before long I was in my elements, chirping and chatting as if we had been friends for lifetimes. He drew fantastic pictures of the alps and other beautiful places he had been to, having obtained his doctors’ from London. I toured him around the many locations I had been to, all in India. Together we delved deep into the mysteries of the universe and a cosmic connection between us developed.

Then suddenly it was over. He looked at his watch, apologized to me for keeping me away from home for such a long time, excused himself and left. Not a single word about marriage was exchanged. And when he left, he had left me with more questions than answers. There were so many delightful things he spoke of which made me want to meet this gentleman again. 

At home, no one suddenly seemed to bother me. Talks of my marriage suddenly dried up and no further discussion about the photographs of the boy or his family took place. My mom and dad went about their respective business with more than a usual dedication. I never spoke to them about the “meeting with the young doctor”, for I was afraid that would open the can of worms again.

As the days passed, I could detect myself getting anxious and irritable. These are, let me tell you, symptomatic of the birth of confusion in you. To my surprise, I was discussing marriage with friends of mine who were all in the queue for marriage. To my disgust, they were all excited about it. 

As my confusion grew and anxiety took deep roots, I knew not why I was feeling disturbed. I was suddenly expecting the doctor to make a call, visit our home in an attempt to meet me, but nothing was happening. I was expecting my mother and father to ask me the question, but they asked me nothing. When you are not reached out by people you expect to reach you, you become anxious to reach out.

The final straw was the tragedy of my friend. Her parents were discussing a marriage proposal for her since long, and things just seemed to be falling in place, the boy withdrew. My friend told me that it was because of her. She had been thinking and delaying a decision on marriage deliberately. The boy had liked her and said yes immediately. It seems someone taught my friend not to say yes even if you want to and so she had been putting forth many questions and raising issues with the boy. It seems he finally got fed up, and just as she was about to say yes, he said no. She wept at the lost opportunity, particularly since the boy was to her liking.

That night I lay wide awake. Am I making a mistake somewhere? After my meeting with Dr. Shikar, I had returned suitably impressed by his looks, manners, and thoughts. He had struck the right chords and I had taken to him like fish to water. I reviewed my stand on marriage, and it suddenly seemed to me that marriage was not a bad word after all. Particularly if your partner is as good as Dr. Shikar, who loved nature apart of course, from his profession. It suddenly struck me that a person cannot be an island on this planet, for how long can I revel in nature and its mysteries? Alone, there would be times when I would long for things other than my association with nature. I would have none to share my insights, my discoveries…none whom I can call my own. And at that moment, I decided to marry. A great lump had formed in my throat and I desired to cry.

The next morning, I made discreet and casual inquiries about the proposal from my dad. He said that he did not have the time to follow it up and that his friend, the boy’s father was busy too. I then cajoled my sister to talk to mom and find out what was happening. She reported back, saying grandma was sounding very upset about the entire thing. She had told my sister that though she and dad liked the boy, I was not interested.

Two days later, I broke down and throwing caution and shame to the wind, I unwound myself before grandma. She looked upset and shocked and distressed, but I know she was bursting with joy within. One week later a formal meeting took place between me and the doctor and two weeks thereafter we were engaged.

The conspirators had pledged solemnly that their private confabulations and plans would never be revealed. The promise was broken by the only surviving member of the gang, my husband, when the children decided on a tribute to their grandma.

So much for mothers and fathers and husbands of the world.