Fire And Mist

Unable to find a solution to the growing impasse in my mind, nor being able to seek anyone’s counseling on the private matter, I deemed it best to log my anguish in the diary. I had stopped penning my feelings for a long time. But I hope confessing here helps alleviate the predicament somewhat!

I can’t explain why, but a strange disquiet torments my mind these days. It inflicts my senses and continues to disrupt my normal life. Unable to knock it off my sentience, I opted to relook at events of the past to get a clue on the inexplicable fidgety state of mind.

Recalling my bambino days, I found no perturbing hangover from the happy and serene moments of the time. In fact, they were the most euphoric days of life that I wish had never ever ended.

The little pool of water that accumulated in the rains into the discarded bath-tub lying in the backyard was my most go-to spot in childhood. But little could I imagine then that the ripples produced from the drizzle hitting the water pool would symbolically stir and sensitize my growing up days. Some of them were transient while others were aspirational. The transient ones were ephemeral, while the aspirational wishes had remained deep-rooted through life, whether attained or not. Nevertheless, there wasn’t any dissonant baggage carried over from those days. Yet some residuum feelings could have invaded my psyche then.

   

One of my aspirations in school days was to be a wanderer, touching the unknown, and connect with the uncharted arena of life. During college days I had many engaging delightful moments with friends – parties, jam sessions, bonfire, et al – transient but not transcendent for me. Actually the soul desired something stirringly intensive, and beyond the ordinary. Some of my friends had begun their romantic relationship and appeared contended in their union as if their lives were in cloud nine. I knew the fugacious joys were so opaque that it indubitably lacked the gravity of being perpetual. When Ankur expressed his love for me, despite the nice affinity we shared as friends, I couldn’t reconcile with the idea and had no second thought of dismissing the proposal. Ankur was hurt and I honestly didn’t want him to feel dejected, yet I found no reason to betray my implicit sentiments.  

Yet abruptly life took a surprise turn. Unprepared in my remotest dream, the moment of truth tiptoed in my life. The nineteenth birthday of my life ushered in the moving intensive moment of connecting with the prodigious. The party was at my home. Friends assembled to celebrate my ultimate teen year. Jessica had asked if a friend of her could join us in the party. I had happily consented and welcomed her guest to join in. 

  

All my friends had arrived by seven in the evening and Jessica too arrived with her friend Ipshita. It was our first meet. She was a coy, graceful, yet a very friendly person. An hour into the party, guys decided to have some party games to pep up the celebration. So began the second phase of the evening revelry. At one point Ipshita came over to me and asked if she could use the washroom. Since the washroom for guests at the ground floor was occupied, I escorted her to my privy in first floor bedroom.

After guiding her to the loo I turned to leave, telling her to come down when she was done. But she held my hand requesting if I could stay on a bit as she wanted to talk to me for while. I agreed and awaited her return.

Few minutes later she emerged and smilingly complimented me on my pad, and appreciated the ambience of simplicity and cosiness

.

I thanked her for the compliment and averred I like it that way to keep my space simple and tidy.

Then taking my hand in hers, with a simper evinced that’s exactly what she thought the type of girl I was, the moment she met me.

I recollect, her touch even though mundane, billowed a strange feeling of ecstasy spreading through my body. It was not like the usual sensation that I have felt when touched by others. The sensory was beguiling and electrifying at the same time. Inexplicable by logical inference, the sapience of the feel was overwhelming. The seed of avant-garde amour was sown stealthily. And an uninhibited immersive bond and awesome affinity began between us soon after. We had set no boundaries and anchored bliss to full extent.

Ipshita and I had remained bonded and committed to one another for ten years now. Despite being distanced a bit by her job these days at Lucknow, that keeps her away from me here; we do however catch up on the lost time once or twice every month. Even though we hadn’t set borderlines on our relations, never did we feel the need of men in our lives; the relationship had remained engulfing for us all these days. Yet suddenly I now find my emotional space invaded, not by a stranger or a suitor, but by someone who I had venerated only as a hero. The epiphany was eliciting.

The providential connect with Sam now seemingly has induced a sense of strange affinity braided in fervency. Everything he did had the stamp of nobility to it. The way he carried himself, the way he talked... unknowingly seeded in me a sense of fondness for him. Initially, I had considered the feeling as vibes with an affable person. But now I am overwhelmed with his charismatic persona. I cannot but admit I fancy being in his arms. And that is causing the disquiet in me to be honest.   

  

Is it karmic dissilience? I can’t decide. I don’t even know if it is passing dalliance, but certainly I feel increasingly drawn towards him. I can sense that this disarrayed state is too inflicting to bear and causing much anguish. I wonder if it is a reversion for heterosexuality. If so, would it be considered infidelity... betrayal of trust on my commitment with Ipshita. With her the emotional alchemy is too profound. And on him the impulse is intensely ardent. Could it be then a cupid’s sting of riding the twin bliss? Or is it simply the inner conflict of an implicit silent desire? Is this the orphic mist that Sam hinted where true happiness prevails?

Honestly, I don’t know for real, but the mix up is too consuming. The trouble is, for once I can’t discuss this dilemma with my all weather friend and love mate Ipshita, to find a solution.