Demons Of My Past

Why does it still bother me? Why? Why? Why?

I ask this question from myself again and again every day. Heart says one thing and the mind says the other. 

Heart says,

"Because it was the purest relationship and no matter what you say, you did love the person and you always see the good in people"

Mind says,

"Because you hate him so much that it consumes you day by day.  You feel that raw and absolute hate for him that he left you without even so much as an explanation. He didn't even fight for you, I mean he could've but he didn't. What kind of a father does that?"

But there's also a teeny tiny voice of the soul  that says 

"Let's move on, you have a good life with everything you could possibly need and a perfect life doesn't exist. You're an amazing person with a beautiful life"

 

I get up every day, put on a smile thinking today would be a good day but I can't help but feel a certain void in my life and I know that feeling is eating me alive. Some days are just more difficult than others. But still I manage to fool everyone around me.  If I'm smiling externally doesn't mean I'm smiling internally . Sometimes it's too hard that I give up. It hurts so so bad. I'm just too scared to talk to people because they would rather think of me as a girl who just has daddy issues. And I don't think so anyone would understand unless they've gone through the same road but I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.  

I wonder if it's good to let go off the toxicity of life then why do I still feel so sad? Why is everything so pretentious? What is even real happiness? 

 

All I ever wanted was him to understand and love us. The person who gave you life abandons you. Ironic, isn't it? But now all I think about is becoming successful and have a good and independent future for myself and the family who really did want me. Just thinking about it gives me chills. 

I never really had a childhood. I grew up way before I was supposed to and I did handle all the emotional pain.  But I blame you

Everything is because of youuu.........

 I could have had the perfect life I've always wanted if you were any good. I didn't want a luxurious life. I just wanted a happy childhood.  I didn't want the money. I wanted your love.  I didn't want material things. I always craved for your hugs. 

But you're bad, very very very bad. 

I miss you but I don't want you back. 

You made everyone around you suffer. 

I guess I need a closure and I'll get closure when you come begging to us and we won't take you back .  

If it weren't for you, I wouldn't even be having this monstrous side that just makes me wanna hate myself.  

This life ahead of me would be better and beautiful