#ColourYourWords: Separating life..... in strong, dependable brown cartons.

DISCLAIMER

This is a work of fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this Story are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and unintentional.

Tanya looked at the huge brown cartons lying in her flat.

Those were the cartons in which she had used brought all her belongings in this flat, when she had decided to move in with Avi, around 2 years ago. A slow smile lit up her face when she thought about the day when she had arrived in this flat, with huge brown cartons containing her belongings.

“You should have packed your belongings in bags and suitcases instead, they are stronger and dependable” Avi or Avinash had mildly protested, wondering whether he really knew the woman that he had fallen for.

“These brown cartons are more dependable and stronger than those bloody suitcases” Tanya had retorted back, pulling one of the many heavy brown cartons. Avi had volunteered to help her with the cartons only when Tanya had looked at him with those large, angry eyes.

That image of Tanya tugging those huge brown cartons containing her clothes and shoes and cosmetics and books and electronics and toiletries and her favorite pots and pans and of course her prized China dinnerware would remain etched in Avi’s mind. Forever. For it signaled the start of their journey together.

Avi was the romantic one in their pair, the one who was forever chasing Tanya, sending her emojis and SMS and romantic quotes and thoughts. Naturally, he was the first to come up with the idea of a live-in relationship before they finally tied the knot.

“But why is it necessary?” Tanya had popped the question and suddenly realized that she was now not just sounding but also thinking like her mother, who had disapproved of her live-in relationship outright.

It took a lot of cajoling on Avi's part to finally convince Tanya that a live-in relationship was the thing that they needed the most at the moment to ‘discover each other’ as he put it. Tanya had finally agreed and there she was, standing at his door, with huge brown cartons in tow.

A few months of dating Avi and Tanya had started to believe that Avi was one of the most dependable persons in the world (and that was one of the reasons why Tanya had fallen in love with him), second only to her father Ravikanth Sharma, of course!

Tanya who all her life had seen her father dressed smartly in a brown Inspector uniform and decorated with prestigious medals had subconsciously started associating the color brown with dependability, trust, integrity, and wholesomeness of nature. No wonder her textbooks were always wrapped neatly in brown covers only, contrary to the transparent sheets that her peers used to use to cover their textbooks with. Obviously, brown cartons were her first choice when she had to pack and transfer her belongings to Avi’s flat. Safely and with dependability. 

She only wished that her Avi would continue to be as dependable as her father and the color brown!

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That was two years ago.

Today, she looked around at the huge brown cartons, in which she had brought her belongings in Avi’s flat. They were still the same, huge and brown, strong and dependable. Only a bit old from wear and tear.

It was in these brown cartons that Tanya was going to once again pack her belongings along with Avi’s belongings and ship them to Bangalore, where Avi had been relocated by his company recently. Avi had moved to Bangalore and Tanya was to join him after a few days, with all their combined belongings. Avi had left it to Tanya to sort out and pack their belongings, because, anyway she was the one who used to do all the dusting and cleaning in the house since Avi, being an asthmatic, feared dust and smoke like hell.

Avi had told her to pack only the things that she felt would be used and to discard all the useless or unwanted things. ‘De-clutter your home and surroundings, it will de-clutter your mind and your life’ Tanya had read somewhere and wondered whether it worked. The De-cluttering. Or the throwing away of unnecessary things to simply one’s life.

Suddenly, she wondered why it was taking her so long to throw off those unwanted and useless things. Was it because she had developed a bond, an emotional connection with even these things? These things which she had hardly used in the past two years and which she had a very slim chance of using in the future. Why then the hesitation to shred them off? Guilt of discarding? Hope of re-using? Or worse, her ego and a sense of belonging?

Knowingly or unknowingly, she was handling each of the things that she wanted to throw away with more tenderness than ever before, feeling it in her hands, caressing them lightly with emotions that she had never ever felt for them before ……………………before finally letting them go.

She looked at the pile of things that she had discarded.

There was that old hair-dryer that would heat so quickly that it had become dangerous. “Tanya, don’t use it. I used to shout at Simran also not to use it” Avi had yelled at Tanya when he had found her using that old hair-dryer, which his mother had forgotten in his house years ago.

Tanya had stopped dead in her tracks and had looked at him with a question in her eyes.

This was not the first time that he had remembered an incident about Simran, that too in front of Tanya.

It was the third or the fourth time that he had used her name in the past two days. From the two days when Tanya had moved in with him.

Simran, Simran.

Who was his previous girlfriend who used to stay with him.

“Simran hated these curtains……..Simran loved Chinese food……..Simran never did Yoga, Simran only jogged 2 kilometers every morning” the list was endless and Avi would go on and on, at times even forgetting that he was speaking in front of his current girlfriend.

It had been just a few months since Simran had walked out on Avi and Tanya thought that Avi would get over with Simran with time since ‘time is the best healer’. Tanya suspected that Avi was still nursing a broken heart though he was too proud to admit it. Simran’s leaving Avi or dumping him was insulting enough and he did not want to portray the image of a ‘poor lover boy who still pined for his lover’. So he maintained a tough core on the outside and in public. But inside his home and in private, he would keep on harping about Simran and Simran. Again and Again. Oblivious of Tanya around him, who did not know where to look and what to do then.

Tanya had started getting the feeling that their entire house and life had started to acquire a bad and bitter taste of Simran.

‘One way to get rid of Simran and her memories would be to stack away her belongings which are still strewn all over the flat’ thought Tanya philosophically.

So the next thing that Tanya did after she had emptied her stuff from the huge brown cartons was to pack Simran’s stuff in the now-empty huge brown cartons and stack them away in the empty loft of the house, hoping and praying that those huge brown cartons would once again play their part of being strong and dependable and would shut away all memories of Simran from Avi’s mind and life. Once and for all.

So she packed Simran’s clothes, cosmetics, paint brushes, and a few canvases on which Simran was supposedly working, tons of junk jewelry which she owned, besides a multitude of amazing ash-trays and a variety of cigarettes………..

“Simran was a chain smoker” Tanya remembered Avi blurting out angrily one day and for the first time, Tanya could detect in Avi’s tone, a note of hatred and helplessness for Simran.

Tanya packed away all the cigarettes and the pretty lighters and ashtrays in the brown cartons and stored them away…………hoping that they would get lost in the sands of time………forever.

Tanya’s packing off of Simran’s stuff did work to a certain extent.

For when Avi came home that day and did not find a single item of Simran lying around the house, he was surprised but understood that to be the only wise solution hence did not protest. He did not even protest when he realized that Tanya had packed away even Simran’s mobile charger which he was now using or the huge yellow coffee mugs in which he and Simran used to enjoy their morning coffee together, seated placidly on the bean bags strewn in the balcony, looking at the fresh morning ahead of them.

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It was these things that Tanya had now unpacked from the brown cartons.

Simran’s stacked away stuff. After two long years.

Looking at Simran’s stuff brought back memories of the past for Tanya and once more she remembered the day when she had packed and stored away Simran’s stuff, hoping that ‘out of sight would be out of mind’ and that Simran would only be a long lost memory for Avi and her.

But now that she had emptied Simran’s stuff on the floor, once more Simran had become very much alive for her!

As Tanya began emptying stuff after stuff of Simran, slowly but surely Simran started entering their house and Simran’s personality even started acquiring a shape and form and identity and Tanya once more started feeling the presence of Simran around her……..alive and present in the flat……………..ready to create a rift between Tanya and Avi.

Tanya now looked at Simran’s belongings strewn on the floor with a new sense of fear. She felt that she had emptied the past in the flat………… Simran and Avi's past………..and Tanya felt a sense of discomfort and dread……and at the same time was equally amazed that in-animate objects could trouble her so much!

There were Simran’s clothes and accessories and cigarettes………

There was a frame of Simran and Avi in a tight embrace, smiling in each other’s eyes, as if the world around them just did not exist, dated ‘Our first overseas Trip together- the Maldives December 2018'. This was one of the things that troubled Tanya a lot and she could even feel a surge of jealous emotions creep inside her.

When she felt that nothing about Simran and Avi could now trouble her more than the framed photo, she glanced at a diary where ‘Simran’s’ was written in beautiful black calligraphy.

Two years ago, when she had packed it off, Tanya had not even given it a second glance. She had just packed it off.

But today, when she once again saw it, she had mixed feelings and felt an irresistible urge to open it and read it and find out more about Simran and most importantly, about her equation with Avi.

She felt like a common thief or a typical pick pocketer who steals others' stuff discreetly but with an intention of profit. So too, Tanya could feel her nimble fingers lightly touch the cover of the diary, and hesitantly open it to get a sneak peek into Simran’s and Avi’s world…………….

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The first few pages were about love and romance with slight indications of sex and Tanya felt mighty guilty even browsing through it.

She was about to close the diary when an entry in bold red caught her eye.

‘There is a villain in every love story………and mine is no different’ Simran had written in a beautiful hand, cursively. ‘Only the villain……………..is neither another man nor a woman………..’ Simran had continued ‘But smoking…………….my addiction’.

‘I just cannot live without smoking…………and Avi just can’t tolerate it due to his weak asthmatic lungs’

‘Avi………has given me an ultimatum…………to choose between him and smoking’ here Simran’s handwriting had gone from bad to worse………….and Tanya knew that Simran must have been crying while writing this.

Once again, she felt profusely guilty for going through someone’s personal thoughts, but she did not have the nerve to stop either!

So Tanya continued to read………..Simran’s distressing thoughts ‘It has been a difficult week for both of us………… Avi just wouldn’t budge……..I have promised him that I will quit smoking………..but then I have promised him for the thousandth time since the last year……………and he knows that I can neither give up smoking nor give up making false promises and resolutions. I think he is now tired of my smoking…… or that he is tired of my useless promises and resolutions………or is he tired of me and that my smoking is just an excuse? 

‘Just goes to show what a weak willpower you have’ was what he had said when I had broken my promise of quitting smoking once again, for the thousandth time.

'It is not lack of willpower' I had shouted back and said ‘It is the inescapable urge to take just one more puff and then another………..and then another’. But can he understand, or can anyone who has never smoked before, ever understand? – I had thought to myself then. Helplessly. Hopelessly.

‘I understand I am losing myself to smoke……….and I am also losing Avi……….’ Simran had continued, her writing careless, her sentences broken, as if indicating the state and stage of their relationship.

‘If only Avi could understand………what I need is help…………not criticism…not anger…..’ Simran’s writings had now acquired the tone of a plea, a begging and Tanya could not but feel sorry for her.

After a few blank lines, Simran had written ‘we have no choice but to part ways………..but I have promised to completely quit smoking and come back’

‘Come back only if you quit smoking completely.’ were Avi’s last and most painful words to me.

And the diary ended there……….for Tanya realized that there were no more entries……..and the rest of the pages were blank, wordless, like their relationship which must have hit rock-bottom then- Tanya thought.

Tanya shut the diary and closed her eyes and another recent incident sprung up in front of her eyes, making her think deeply …………

Just a few days ago, she and Avi had bumped into Simran, who had yelled and jumped with delight when she first saw him and had hugged him so tightly for a whole minute (once more forgetting that the world around her even existed), that Tanya had felt that Avi would die of suffocation. Avi had been properly self-conscious, even quite embarrassed with Tanya by his side and the rest of the people in the mall staring at this happy reunion.

“Avi……I don’t blame you for not recognizing me……I am a new person now, new life, new thoughts, even never hairstyle, see…………."Simran had said and patted her short haircut for effect. Simran looking only at Avi, again totally forgetting the people around them, went on babbling excitedly “I have completely……….I mean completely quit smoking……those two years in the rehabilitation center were tough………but they paid off…………. I wanted to do it for us, for both of us, and for our love………Avi…….I can't tell you how happy I feel, how different, as if……..as if ………I am newly born!” Simran exclaimed, leaning to kiss Avi on his cheek and Avi had to use all his physical strength and mental resolve to stop her.

“This is Tanya……..my girlfriend” Avi had stammered and had said to Simran, who for the first time registered other people around them.

The color on Simran’s face had vanished in no time and her eyes had that insulted, spiteful look when she spat at Avi “You promised you would wait for me…………..you broke your promise…….I did not……..you jerk!” and she started crying and hitting Avi simultaneously.

After a moment, Simran had asked Avi “Who is this Tanya? I thought you were with your ex, Anita”

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Anita.

Ex-Anita.

It was this one word that had troubled Tanya……..though at that time she was too distraught to think clearly.

But now Tanya started pondering. Deeply. Clearly.

About this Anita. Avi’s ex- Anita.

Avi and Anita. 

Both A’s. 

A & A. 

A & A, now where was this A & A inscription that she had seen?

Tanya was thinking………a wild thought creeping into her mind, unsettling her.

She got it!

‘A&A for beautiful times to come….’

This was the inscription on the wall clock in their drawing-room.

Did it stand for ‘Anita and Avinash………for beautiful times to come……..’?

The more she thought about it, the more convinced Tanya became that it had to mean ‘Anita and Avinash……… for beautiful times to come….’

Tanya had never realized it and had continued staring at it every day in the two years that she was living in with Avinash. Moreover, Avinash, that jerk, who knew what it meant, did not even bother to remove the wall clock when Tanya had decided to move in with him.

Anita’s wall clock, Simran’s cigarettes, and ashtrays and coffee mugs………….all these stuff of his previous girlfriends were carelessly and that too in plain sight everywhere in the flat, and Avinash was either too insensitive or too over-confident that he did not even bother to remove them………..

First Anita…….

Then Simran………..

And now Tanya……..

Tanya was counting……….

Three girlfriends in five years!

'Or were there more?' suddenly a thought shot up in Tanya’s mind and sent a chill down her spine.

Who was that Yamini and that Esha that Avinash was forever talking to when at home?

Colleagues, work buddies, or more?

And Lisa, his boss, with whom he would travel the world over, who was she to him….a boss or more? Lisa had been shunted to Bangalore and Avi had also followed suit. Was it to complete that project with Lisa or was it to be with her?

Tanya suddenly felt drained of all energy and slumped down on the floor, her hands buried in her hands, sobbing softly.

A playboy?

Avi, a reckless, habitual playboy?

Had her elder brother and his colleagues not warned her so many times!

But she had looked the other way, refusing to believe a single word………why she had even fought bitterly with everyone who had tried to tell her the truth, show her the real Avi.

Jealous, spiteful …………..she had called them names.

How could she be so blind, especially when shreds of proof of his infidelity were strewn so carelessly all over the flat, all over his life, all over his mobile……………..why did she not check, or believe or realize?.

Slowly Tanya realized that whatever her elder brother had said had been true and prophetic “You don’t believe in it Tanu, because you do not want to believe in it”

Tanya sobbed more and more………till her tears were dry and her heart was empty.

Slowly, very slowly, she got up, her wet eyes looking determined, and she started separating her stuff from Avi’s and packing them in separate brown cartons, labelling them ‘HIS’ and ‘HERS’ and writing Avi’s Bangalore address on ‘HIS’ and her maternal address on ‘HERS’.

With a pang and self-pity, Tanya then realized that the brown cartons which she had used two years ago to start a new life with Avi were now being used to separate her life from Avi’s!