Anais Nin Brought Me Here!

I was born on the 30^{th of} September 1984. If you know Mathematics enough which I don’t, you would have calculated my age by now. Anyways. I am a female with a wheatish complexion, height 5 feet 2 inches, weight 70 kgs.

Four years back in an unfortunate turn of events all the members of my family were hospitalized one after the other in a span of four months. My mother for sigmoidal colon cancer, my sister just like me, before me, for gall bladder removal and my father for hypertension. Fortunately, we are all well now.

My sister has been away ever since I was 27. She works out of our hometown and I am glad she does. I am proud of her journey. 

Recently I told my mother that in the next incarnation I want to be her mother because it is too much to be called a daughter in the waking world while I have done everything just like her for our house. I have been her support all through.

My mother rarely agrees with anything that I say and this time she said, “I do not want to be a human in the next incarnation. It is too confusing and I am too weary of it. One has to really think a lot when one has to live the life of a human.” - For the first time, she expressed what she really felt without trying to be the strong person holding our house together. I was glad she did. It meant a lot to me. I happily agreed with her saying that whatever she wants is fine with me. Yet again I wanted to be there for her without really asking for what I wanted. We are like that and it is too late to change now.

At 32, I lost my only hope of being a researcher in life for which I had worked every waking day of my life since the time I was 20 years of age. My father has supported me a great deal during this process. When everyone around was busy mocking and giving me advice as to what I should do and how I should do it, he just let me be. He was like a sponge at the time, letting in everything, absorbing it. In a way, I can say that he has made up for all that he could never do when I was small and that is gratifying.

The past four years have been particularly difficult as I have had to revamp an existing career of more than ten years and figure out from scratch as to what is it that I really want to do. During this time, I have understood several different things about my bond with my people and accepting this change is comforting.

I do not have the usual loving conversations with my parents the way it happens in other families although I have always wanted to. But, deep within, I know that they are all that I got. It would not scare me to be alone in this house or, this world because I have always loved my family with all my being which I feel is my strength and weakness alike. Sometimes I feel I want to change that sense of weakness into a strength by not being too concerned or worried about them or their old age. Life needs to take its course and I need to let myself loose. It is the most difficult thing for me to do and it scares me to hell to be able to do that. But I am glad I have started.

This difficult time of my life and all the people who were with me in it including myself have helped me regain my sense of belonging and that is my greatest asset today. I can connect better with people around me, be more compassionate to their suffering.

Lately, I thought of turning my passion for writing into a career and started writing creatively for an online platform. The direction of my life has started to change for the better and it is never going to be what it used to be now on.

I try to not resent or regret not being able to sustain that job when I was 32 because had it not happened, I would not have introspected and observed the neglected things which needed my attention: My relationships, my skills, myself.

In the past three or four odd years when I was exploring literature written by different people, I was inspired by Anais Nin. As she rightly states in one of her quotes, “We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” As I look back at my life in retrospect, I realized that this is where I start. Today and forever.

I hope you too will have some such realization someday and will care enough to share it with me!

Until then,

Much Love,

The girl who weighs 70 kgs.