The Little Girl vs. The woman

It’s a constant battle.

The little girl versus the woman.

I have these moments of clarity where –

I see what I deserve and I feel my worth,

but it is so fleeting.

Followed by the howls of self-blame, and the feelings of shame, and self-doubt.

How hurt they must be. 

If only I had given more, 

Loved harder, 

Been more patient.

Wait – 

What about my hurt?

Their intentional malice, 

Their intention to shame and belittle. 

Their own anger so overwhelming that I become their undeserving target? 

I did give all I had; 

I always have. 

I am loving as hard as I can; 

though it is exploited. 

My patience so immense; 

I have enabled the behavior. 

How do I make it stop? 

This pain that I feel, 

and the conflict within.

This little girl; 

Why does she blame herself when others hurt her? 

Why does she question her value? 

Why does she allow others to betray her over, and over, and over? 

Why does she cry silent tears?

The residual pain of a childhood full of fear and insecurity. 

The imprinted beliefs that this is all she is deserves. 

The conditioned understanding that betrayal is natural. 

The presumption that her self-worth is contingent on how people treat her. 

It is what she knows. 

It is how she responds. 

And so, 

It is how I respond. 

She is hurting so much – I am hurting so much. 

She is me. 

It’s a constant battle. 

The little girl versus the woman. 

I have these moments of clarity where –

I see what I deserve and I feel my worth 

But it is so fleeting.