life and lost

Life feels so fake right now.

I don't know who I am anymore.

My family seems like impostors.

My friends feel like my past self's friends.

My emotions are so distant, feels like somebody else is going through all the motions.

I used to shut down any part of me who felt something too deeply so I guess I’m just getting what was coming.

I want to be me again but I'm not sure who that is anymore.

I wish I could apologise to the little girl I used to be for treating her so harshly.

Maybe then she'll come back.

I don't feel any emotions now but longing for my past self, detachment and whatever my fantasies throw at me.

I wanted to escape from the world because it felt so fake, now I wish I could go back to when I felt too much.

I know grass always looks greener on the other side but I never thought it would feel like an actual other side.

When I distanced myself from all my emotions, I didn't realise that would mean losing the essence of who I am.

Who I was.

I know it's my fault and I'm trying so hard not to play the victim narrative.

Yet I don't think the person I lost deserved all of this.

I was only trying to protect her.

I don't know when she left, why she left.

Only that she's gone and I can't find her.

How am I supposed to explain how I feel when I can't even feel it anymore?? I don't know who's writing this.

I don't know where I am.

If this is what it mean to 'mature' and grow up too fast, I'd rather stick to the normal pace.

I can accept that my old self is gone and I can learn to love the new me but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do that when I have no idea who I am now and no idea how to find out because there's a thick glass wall between me and her.

I learned how to dissociate when I needed to and it has now become one of the many things I can't control anymore.