life and lost
life and lost


Life feels so fake right now.
I don't know who I am anymore.
My family seems like impostors.
My friends feel like my past self's friends.
My emotions are so distant, feels like somebody else is going through all the motions.
I used to shut down any part of me who felt something too deeply so I guess I’m just getting what was coming.
I want to be me again but I'm not sure who that is anymore.
I wish I could apologise to the little girl I used to be for treating her so harshly.
Maybe then she'll come back.
I don't feel any emotions now but longing for my past self, detachment and whatever my fantasies throw at me.
I wanted to escape from the world because it felt so fake, now I wish I could go back to when I felt too much.
I know grass always looks greener on the other side but I never thought it would feel like an actual other side.
When I distanced myself from all my emotions, I didn't reali
se that would mean losing the essence of who I am.
Who I was.
I know it's my fault and I'm trying so hard not to play the victim narrative.
Yet I don't think the person I lost deserved all of this.
I was only trying to protect her.
I don't know when she left, why she left.
Only that she's gone and I can't find her.
How am I supposed to explain how I feel when I can't even feel it anymore?? I don't know who's writing this.
I don't know where I am.
If this is what it mean to 'mature' and grow up too fast, I'd rather stick to the normal pace.
I can accept that my old self is gone and I can learn to love the new me but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do that when I have no idea who I am now and no idea how to find out because there's a thick glass wall between me and her.
I learned how to dissociate when I needed to and it has now become one of the many things I can't control anymore.