A Heart Full of Goodbyes By Kayathri Mariappan

I was just a schoolgirl,
Wishing for friends,
Longing to be part of their world—
To sit beside someone,
To share my smile.

But they stayed away.
I never understood why.
I smiled first.
But they never smiled back.

Then one day,
A few let me in.
Not too close,
But enough to feel seen.
And that comfort meant the world to me.

Among them,
One became special.
She made me feel safe.
Like I mattered.

But life moved me away.
A new school.
A new chapter.
And she stayed behind.
Still, we both felt it—
That silent ache of parting.

Years passed.
I saw her again.
But we weren’t the same anymore.
We exchanged names, not stories.
Just a moment—
Then nothing.

It hurt.
But I carried it,
Because I had to.

In another school,
I hoped for a new beginning.
But it was the same story.

Some avoided me—
Because of my grades,
Because of how I looked,
Because of things I never chose.

I didn’t know what I did wrong.
But they pushed me away.

Except her.
She saw me.
An older girl,
With a kind heart.
She called me sister—
And I believed her.
She stood by me when I was at my lowest,
Guided me when I was lost.

But again,
I lost her.
Not in anger,
Just… silence.
We drifted.
And I never saw her again.

Even now,
I wait.
I hope.
I pray:
“Please let me see her once more.”

It keeps happening.
Every time someone feels close to me,
Life takes them away.

But I’ve changed.

I stopped chasing with words.
I started sharing my laughter.
People stayed—
Not for how I looked,
But for how I made them feel.

Still, some judged me.
Still, some hurt me.
And yes, it stung.

But I kept going.

Then I found friends
Who felt like family.
They were everything.
I wanted them forever.

But life, once more,
Took them from me.
Circumstances pulled us apart.

Even so,
I believed we’d meet again.
And I whispered to the sky,
“Please, God… make it happen.”

More people came.
Short connections.
But filled with deep laughter.

One of them said—
“You make us happy
Even in our worst moods.”

It shocked me.
No one had ever said that to me.
Not outside my family.

When they left,
They cried.
And I stood there,
Holding my tears—
Because if I cried,
They’d cry more.

Later, I found sisters,
Not by blood,
But by bond.

We traveled together,
Laughed every day,
Made small memories that felt infinite.

But again,
I lost them.

On our last day,
They hugged me.
They cried.

I didn’t cry—
Because if I did,
They wouldn’t stop.

Inside, though,
It hurt deeply.

So I ask,
Why does God give me such beautiful souls
Only to take them away so soon?

I can’t reach out now.
Not because I don’t want to—
But because life doesn’t let me.

Still, I remember.
I hold them in my heart.
I whisper their names in my prayers.

And I wait.

Maybe someday,
I’ll meet them again.
And this time,
There won’t be another goodbye.