No For a Reason!

Sitting here in my room, with chill breeze touching my cheeks, watching my grand-kids playing out there through the window has become my daily routine. In these 60 years, life has taught many things and memories both good and bad are the only assets I cherish at this ripening age. When I was lost in such memories, one of my grandsons barged through the door and seemed to be a little bit upset. He sat beside me, lightened a cigarette and asked me “hope you don’t mind”. I gave him a laugh and asked to continue. After a while, he suddenly asked the question “Grandpa, did u ever love anyone?”. I replied yes. He told "oh OK, so u got the love of your life, my grandma. So, you wouldn't understand my pain". I chuckled and told, " your grandma sure is my love but she wasn't the first love”. He got surprised a bit and asked me to tell the story.

               I belong to a very reserved middle-class family in a village. I was kind of chubby and innocent compared to other kids and I often was a scapegoat and laughing stock for some people. I couldn't reply back to many comments that were passed on me because of my hesitant nature. With life going on in such a boring way, a new girl joined our class. Given my nature, I was very reluctant to speak to her in the initial days. But to my surprise, she came and spoke to me and within a few days, we became close friends. She was not just some normal kind of friend. She was something special. She never made me feel low for weight. She taught me to say "NO" for the things I didn’t like. Nevertheless, I always compromise and this used to irk her a lot. She had such a profound impact on me that I reached an extent where I feel like going to college just because I can speak to her and share things.

After a year, I started to feel something for her which is more than friendship. Sometimes I stop talking and just stare at her. But apparently that was the age where it can be mere attraction or infatuation. I questioned myself whether I like her just because she makes me feel different than what I feel with others or is it really love that I can spend my life with her. Amidst this confusion, I thought to take some time off from her and decide. The next day, I told her that I am going to visit a native village and left. Though I left for some reason, I couldn't stay happy. She was constantly roaming in my head and dreams. I really missed the feel when she was beside me. A few days passed by and I couldn’t keep thinking about her every day. So, upon deciding to confess my feelings to her, I left other things to fate.

The next day, when I was starting, my mother felt unconscious and got admitted to the hospital. She was diagnosed with mild paralysis. We were devastated on listening and the entire family was in a sad state for some days. Among all these situations, my travel got postponed. Also being the son of the family, I had to console my family and so I couldn’t crumble at that point of time. However, I sometimes felt like calling her and sharing my emotions. After a few days, my mother got recovered but the doctor advised me to take extreme care not to worsen it and might come anytime in the future. With heavy heart, I left the village, to resume college thinking to keep my love matter aside for a few days.

The next day in college, I was looking for her everywhere and saw her sitting under a tree. I started walking towards her and the moment she noticed me, she came running with a smiling face, her eyes beaming with happiness. I told her what has happened in the village and the family situation. She became numb for some time and started to console me asking to concentrate on job placements. After a few days, she came hurriedly and told: “My family started to see matches.” I was silent. She got confused and asked, “Don’t you have anything to say”. Not able to bear my silence she finally asked:” Don’t you love me?”. I was in utter shock and disbelief. This was the moment I was waiting all the time and felt many emotions. She again asked the same question” Don’t you love me?”. I raised my head and saw her smiling and blushing face and told "NO". For the first time in my life, I ever told "NO" and that too, to the same girl who taught me that word. Then it was her turn to be shocked and I couldn’t dare to look at her face and lowered my eyes. The moment she left there crying; I couldn’t control my tears. Perhaps that was the only day I cried so much.”

 

I looked at my grandson who was in a shocking state and was just staring at me. I chuckled and he asked curiously furrowing his brows “Why would you even say a NO to her?”. I resumed “the next day after going to college, I was about to enter the cafeteria when I overheard her voice and saw her sitting with a friend. I listened to her friend asking “Why are you overthinking about his mother’s health?”. To which she replied “I love him and want him in my life but I don't know how to handle his mother. What if her situation worsens, and I have to take care of her completely? I feel like I'm not ready for it yet. I am not sure if I can mentally accept his situation”. Her friend replied “What is wrong in that? If the same situation comes for your mother, wouldn’t you step up and take care. So, you can do the same for his mother also”. She told “Yeah I agree. But I am just afraid if I can do that part wholeheartedly.” Upon listening that, I became numb and sadness engulfed over me. After some alone time, I realized that she was in a confused state and gave a second thought of loving me because of my mother’s condition. And what if the same situation happens after our marriage? What if she compromises for me now and couldn’t be happy in future? I did not have answers to all these questions. So, I decided to let go of her even though that was the toughest decision I ever made.

 

My grandson asked “didn’t you get angry on her later on? And what about grandma? Does she even know about this?” I smiled and replied “she knew it in the most legit way because it was her who she was talking to in canteen when I overheard them," I said with a shrug, "and I don't know, I was more in a dilemma than in anger because first love is always special, but in the long run, your grandma proved that my decision was perfect," I said with a proud smile on my face while looking at him.