To The Lost

In every relationship I ever was, I gave more than what needs to be given to the point where sometimes I go home empty-handed but never really kept that in mind knowing that I gave it to people who needed me at the time. 

But in every relationship I ever was, my heart got beaten up pretty badly too and so out of shape that each and every time I got out of things, recovery was so hard and took so long. 

Some will always be asking if I am moving on from people but what they never understand was that I was moving on from the beatings my heart took each time for me, that I was moving on from circumstances that shook my emotions out of their places.

When you're always told you're "too soft that you'll fall for anyone, you're too small for anyone, you're not that pretty to be important, you speak up your mind that you need to keep it shut sometimes, you're too independent, you're way too much into the things that you want to do which meant you're too selfish, your emotions should be kept in your pocket because there's no time for that, you're just too . . . you". I am just "too" me that they never want to keep me. 

Flowers once enticed me too as much as the dreams do. Until they turn brown and wither and while each dry petals fall to the ground silently, so are the pieces of my heart carrying down its hopes with it. That's when I was a kid I watched fairy tales turned to tragedies too. 

So if being alone is the only way that I could at least protect whatever's left of my heart, of myself at all, I at least want to know and understand how to mend it for a while. Although it may take me a long time in doing so, I hope that I could somehow manage to figure out which broken part fits with which. 

It will take a long time for me to entrust my whole self to anyone again, and I wish people would understand why I shut my world half of the time, I am just too afraid. Too afraid to be too much or too little, too afraid to be myself, too afraid to let anyone see what's really left of me, too afraid to show that I lost more than half of me. 

I needed some time to fix me.