The War Within!

This happened to me a few years back.

I was lounging with my best friend in her apartment over the weekend. We chatted a lot, ordered our favourite food, watched the best of the movies together, and created some unforgettable memories.

During one of the conversations, I could not resist but told her in the flow, “I love you so much; ever since we got to know each other”.

The girl, my colleague for 5 years and best friend for four was taken by surprise and asked, “Then what took you so long to say, ‘I love you’? Well, I love you too! You know that, right? I always knew it was mutual, but you confessed to it after so long! I am so happy today. Let’s get married soon”.

To this, I immediately said, “No, I can’t; rather, I won’t. I will not marry you, no matter what”, I reiterated strongly.

She looked surprised again by my straightforward rejection of her proposal, but being my friend who understood me well, she waited for me to explain.

“Look at me”, I continued, “Over these last two hours, I have consumed two packets of cigarettes. There is nobody who can stop me. My parents and sister have given up on this habit of mine. They say I am incurable. Well! I think I am. I have already spoilt my life with these cigarettes. I just cannot survive without a bulk of them each day. I know I am not going to give up this nasty addiction of mine and this is going to take me down soon. I might barely live a few more years. Why should I spoil your life? I will never do that. You deserve better”, I said and smiled at her.

Being a girl who never smoked, she had always disliked this habit of mine. She tried to discourage me from smoking, but I never really bothered. I am at constant war with myself, torn between logic and insanity. I always self-realize what I am doing and how wrong it is, but I do not let others talk me out of it, be it my family, close friends, or even the girl I genuinely love.

She was visibly upset for a few months, but eventually moved on with her life. She got married and moved to a new city with a nice man she deserved.

And here I am, on my deathbed, fighting the voices in my head, who are still craving for the last puff.

My parents and sister are crying outside my hospital room and praying for the doctors to save my life at 40. But they have declared it's all over for me.

I am waiting to get rid of this painful body with damaged lungs and float toward the bright tunnel that leads to eternity.