The Unsatisfied Soul

What is your ultimate goal in life? I asked my friend while sitting on the sides of Marine Drive in Mumbai.

Ummm! Ultimate goal! Let me think.  

(After a gap of two and a half minutes)

While taking a sip of her cutting chai, she took a deep breath and said

Peace!

What? Peace? I chuckled.

Yes! She replied with a twinkle in her eyes.

Peace is a necessity, I mean sooner or later, we make peace with everything, I countered her.

That day the weather of Mumbai was Magical, it had rained all day, the cool breeze was blowing and clouds were all over the sky. The lights around the queen's necklace were adding four moons to the ambiance.

She took her own sweet time and responded saying that it is a compulsion.

What? I asked.

Making peace with everything and anything. I don't want to make peace with things and situations that do not make me feel happy or content. She continued.

My goal is to attain peace without making any compromises.

There was a spark in her eyes, the spark of living life on her terms.

Spring 2020

One year and two months later, sitting in my backyard in New Delhi, while sipping chai and making peace with everything around me, I recalled her words, she was right. Sometimes we are forced to live with whatever we have even though we dislike it. We feel trapped under the debris of shattered dreams and untimely responsibilities. We make unwanted sacrifices and live our entire lives feeling empty. But as Bojack Horseman would say, is that what you want?

The beep of my phone interrupted my thoughts. I immediately checked my messages. More than 5 people had texted me praising my new blog post. I wrote a review for Cecelia Ahern's Postscript. Somehow I related to her work. However, Among all of them was a message sent by one of my old friends from Mumbai. I opened her message and replied to her. It is natural to pay more heed to people who text us once in a long time and live far away. Isn't it?

I kept my phone aside without expecting a quick reply. But it beeped again. Something is refreshing about talking to a long lost friend. Surprisingly, many a time, they are the ones who can make us feel better from miles away. We talked about our office, job, and life in general. We shared our ordeals about moving to a different city, moving back closer to home, lower pay and still figuring out what makes us happy in life. Amid our conversation, she said ¨ Maybe we will never be satisfied¨?

It felt as if she had said what I wanted to tell myself for so long. Maybe we all are in this together. We are unsatisfied souls trying to find few moments of tranquility and happiness in the hustle and bustle of life.

Summer 2018, New Delhi

After a struggle of a year and a half, I finally got admission to St. Xavierś college, Mumbai. I aspired to be something, but I got into a Journalism course. It was not about the college, It was always about the place. Ever since I found out that I had an option to go to the city of Dreams, I had my heart and mind in Mumbai. It was a rainy night, my flight from Chennai had just landed at the Delhi Airport. As soon as I switched on my phone, I received a message from my friend, ´Congrats, you have made it to Mumbai.´ Hearing it from her made me feel extra happy, after a long time, maybe she was happy for me too. I had never confessed it to her but I think she knew that I always wanted to go to Mumbai, Now when I write about it, I don't feel surprised, We were friends for five years, she knew every bit of me. I knew her the same way, she never wanted to leave Delhi. For her, it was her home away from home and we were her family away from family. I closed my eyes and said a prayer for her, I wanted her to stay back in Delhi. I came home and my father welcomed me with pride in his eyes. Fathers have always been special to daughters. It is more like a love and hate relationship, Just with a tint of more love. My family was ascetic as if I had achieved everything in life. Moments later, calls were made to relatives and friends, my mother says, it is an art of sharing happiness.

After a few days, I was ready to leave Delhi, I was both excited and scared. It was the first time that I was about to go away from home. I reached Bombay with my mother at 5 in the morning. It was my motherś first flight, she was as excited as a 10-year-old child but at the same time scared for her 21-year-old daughter whom she has raised with all the comforts of the world. Living in Mumbai was challenging as well as a bit frustrating at first, the rains wreaked havoc, not only in the city but in my life. From catching a cold to staying in traffic for hours was a huge task. House hunting and adjusting to the staple food pao added to the stress. But once it was all over, the beauty of the Worli sea face and Marine Drive, the mesmerizing view of Gateway of India and Taj Hotel, the lanes of south Bombay and the amicable taxi drivers made you like the city, if not made you fall in love with it.

With each passing day, I was looking for ways to not only sustain here but make it my home. The first place you go to after you move out of home always remains special and then I had grown up watching Wake up Sid. I wanted to be a writer like Konkana and was in love with my newly found independence. Like her, I was afraid but that never stopped me from living every little moment to the fullest. I have always been fond of the sea, maybe that was another reason why I was so keen to be friends with the city. There is something about the sea, It is always restless, yet ongoing, the waves never stop whereas the mountains, they remain still and spend ions of years in one place. I wanted to be the sea. I never wanted to be still.

After a month I lost my father and I grew up. Everything changed and I realized life cannot be planned and It cannot always be happy.

Summer 2020

Two years have been passed and I relocated back to my home time. When I was away I wanted to come and now when I am home I have lost the sense of belonging, I miss being away, being on my own, it is so strange how we realize the importance of something when we lose it. When I lost my father, I realized his importance, when I left Mumbai, I realized the importance of the experience that the city gave me. I did not realize when my small 1BHK became my home when the sea became a companion when rains stopped making me sick. We do not realize how a place where we have spent our childhood becomes strange. I feel like going back or going somewhere else but I am sure I will move to some other place and I will want to come back. Is this what I am? Is this what we all are? When we have everything, we don't want it and sadly we want what we can't have.

It was late evening, I was in my backyard, this time sipping coffee, my cell phone beeped. It was my friend from Mumbai.

I picked up the phone and without giving her a chance to speak she said

I hate this Job. I want to go home.

I couldn't help it but laugh.

Why are you laughing? She frowned.

And what do you want to do? I asked.

I don't know. She said.