Past-Something That U Want Yet U Don'T Want

PAST— not a person nor a thing, but a sort of reality which sticks on me like a super glue and thus I couldn't let go of... a bittersweet entity which, like a broken record, infinitely turns, always starting but never ending, and brings back same extent of emotions as I felt before... an almost surreal matter that would eventually stay with me, like a visible scar, until the end of my time. I don't know why, I don't know how. What makes it difficult to lose remembrance of everything that has happened before— the unexpected "first" meeting which somehow transisted into an innocent "first" love, the blissful yet ephemeral "first" kiss, and the heart-breaking and miserable "first" goodbye? A lot of years have already passed by, yet all remain as they were before. Why is it still difficult to forget everything about YOU?

In the beginning there was "I", young and vibrant and wishful to experience my"once upon a time". And just then, when I was on the brink of losing my patience, I found "U", which equated to a sudden combination of "US". I gave you my best, made you my world, put you above all other things. To me you were the sun and I, the moon... without you I could never have my glow; you, the master and I, your shadow... I'd always follow wherever you'd go. You've raised my hopes higher and higher each passing of days and made me believe that you'd never let go. You made me believe that somehow, what we had was worth forever, but then one day reality slapped me, hard, and awoke me. Next thing I knew, you were gone and there was no one left to catch me as gravity pulled me back to the ground. You suddenly left me without letting me understand why— what went wrong? what made you change your mind? what made you discontinue the fight?

Since then, I've grown fond of being a mental time-traveller... going back to the places and times in my memory where I could find you, full of life, standing, reaching out, waiting. I always go down the memory lane, to the crossroad where you chose to give up and eventually left me, imagining that you are there coming back for me. Sometimes, all I could do is pretend that I don't care about you anymore and that I'm totally over you just to stop my heart from bleeding and feeling the pain over and over again. I tried to be tough but no matter what I did, do, and perhaps will do, I realized I could never be tough enough when it comes to you. So as I make my final reminiscence of what we had in the yesteryears, I'll be honest, no more lies nor pretension this time. I STILL LOVE YOU. They say time heals everything, but it failed to heal all the wounds inside of me. You are now gone and I know I should try to move on and live my life without you, but I can't. It still hurts, I'm still hurting, and I wish you are here to take this pain away. You made me love you so much, yet you forgot to teach me how to unlove you. You are my life, my world, my everything, and I wish you have loved me more than enough to continue fighting and stay with me than succumb to an eternal sleep away from me. I will never be fine without you. Wherever you are, please just come back and take me away, take me with you, because looking back, as long as you're not around, I could never be the same person all over again.