Only If I Could Say The Same

“What are we, Zara?”, came the hard voice that was new to her, almost foreign.

“We are dorks, what else?”, she said with a fake laugh that she prayed, he wouldn’t notice. Unfortunately, he did.

Noah was not one to push people to get the truth, especially not his Zara. So, this feeling of wanting and craving more was foreign. He sometimes felt that she had more to share but she never lost that control. 

The Planet of Novis was under the regiment of God Cerritulus. Just like his name, there were weird rules erected under his jurisdiction. Dogs that are stray cannot be adopted; one cannot own more than 50 kgs of potato at a time; illegal to be obese; holding a salmon suspiciously is a crime and many more. While most of these rules felt downright stupid, the cruellest of all was, every time when a resident acknowledges their love for another, their other half will forget them the next day while the former has to live with the pain of a heartbreak.

The people of the Planet were created with this rule in mind even though there were certain rare cases of ‘Love’. This deadly disease that made the wise men, fools and powerful into doe-eyed imbeciles, was meant to be eradicated. Some did fall in Love occasionally, but the aftermath prevented them from embracing those emotions for more than a day. The rule was so enacted that even when the better-half tries to remind the other of their past, it was never fruitful.

“Do you think we could’ve ever felt the love?”, Noah asked in a low voice. “It’s not like we’d remember that person, right? It would be nice to remember though”, he said with a faraway gaze.

“Don’t speak trash, Noah. You know the rules just like everyone else. It never ends well when love is brought into the equation. We are born, we fulfil our destiny and we leave Novis. That’s our cycle”, Zara chided. This topic was a sensitive issue for her but that didn’t stop his countless questions.

After 3 years of friendship with one of the best people he ever knew, Noah knew he wanted more; felt more than what he should’ve. In his defence, he knew it wasn’t all his fault.

Zara was everything he wasn’t. She was badass and yet kind; harsh yet sweet, while he was cynical over the life he lives. He found mistakes in the so-called rules that they were forced to obey but she saw the light in every corner. She rarely shared her pain and was ‘giving’ in every take on their life. She gave him trust, loyalty and many more but Noah felt like a monster for not being thankful for what he received. He yearned something; something of higher value and an inestimable price – her love.

Some days, he thought he held her love too. Her warm smiles and intimate gestures were rare and reserved, mostly for him. But he faced her wrath every time he merely stated the word, “Love”. Sometimes, he thought maybe she was hurt and heartbroken but never found any refined answers that proved them. But today, he’ll ask till she breaks.

“Zara, have you ever felt love? Do you know what it feels like?”. He questioned her directly for the first time in their friendship hoping she would drop her façade.

Evading the topic was never successful with Noah. He fired questions at her even when it was clear that she wanted to forget it. And so, she didn’t want to lie to him anymore. If he wanted the truth, she would give that to him. After all, what is the worst that could happen? He might leave her and she wasn’t new to that.

“Love feels like a protective shield of warmth in the biting cold of Winter”, she said shortly.

This is why it’s a sensitive topic for her. She loved and got hurt. He thought of ending his interrogation but he wanted to know everything about her.

“Who was he? Where is he now?”, he asked with growing curiosity and mild trepidation.

Zara broke out of the trance she was in and sent a sad smile his way. “He is somewhere without any memories of what he has left me with. They’re not important, Noah. I learnt my lesson. Never enter the pit that will swallow you whole. I did and it nearly destroyed me”.

“Actually, I am not surprised that you’ve been in love. You are the smartest woman I know, and you are amazing and honestly, no wonder a guy fell for you. I’m just shocked that you, Madam Caution, were ready to deal with the aftermath”, he mused. 

Tears prickled her eyes at the casual honesty in his words that Noah immediately regretted his impulsive nature. Quickly, he grabbed her elbow and pulled her into an embrace. She shuddered in soft whimpers and he held tight against his raging heart. for a few seconds before Zara harshly pulled herself; wiped her face and got back to her work without any explanation.

Noah was at a loss since he didn’t know how to bring her light back. He felt terrible, almost guilty, of making her talk about the topic she detested. He turned her to face him, as he played with the loose tendrils of her rose-gold hair that framed her face. Her dusky skin was paler than usual, showing how nervous she was in his embrace. Her golden-green eyes shone like a misplaced star in the galaxy; after all, what can a blinding star do in the middle of a black hole? She fits snugly into his frame, he noted, before her curious hands wiggled to smoothen the lapels of his shirt. His heartbeat was erratic and he felt hot all over but he consoled himself not to break his calm. 

“Zara, love, he is the one who is missing out on you. You’re the best person I know in this entire place. You put up with me. I don’t know about you but that takes a pretty special talent”, he said adoringly, aligning his forehead over hers.

Despite the sombre mood, a small smile stole its way through to her lips.

“Yeah well, I am pretty good at it, right?”, she said and Noah kept absent-mindedly stroking little circles on her cheeks whilst playing with her hair.

“Do you miss him, Zar? I mean, it must have been a long time back”, he prodded knowing that the answer will crush his zeal but he had to know. He just had to. He wanted to know if he can ever have a chance with her or if he was holding onto a ship that had lost its anchor. 

For a few seconds, Zara looked lost in thought, maybe reminiscing about her olden days and memories that she might have shared with him. Suddenly, Noah didn’t feel confident or cocky like he usually did. The fear, that she might live in the past and never see the hopeful future that awaited her, placed a set of ice cubes in the pit of his stomach.

Her eyes glazed for a moment before she blinked them away and replied, “I miss him a little but nothing hurts more than the knowledge that he doesn’t have a single memory of me or the memories we shared”.

Disheartened at the pain in her voice, Noah casually disentangled himself from Zara’s embrace and walked towards the bookshelf, that looked far too interesting at the moment. Anything to stay away from the woman who sets my heart ablaze, he thought.

“Anyways, I gotta run. Got work to get back to”, he mumbled and draped his tossed jacket from the chair. Zara nodded demurely and started to work on the files that were scattered on her desk.

With his hand still around the doorknob, Noah turned to her. “You know, I pity the guy. You seem to live a life worth living despite the pain, but he is merely breathing and surviving. At least you have memories of emotion so profound that it is completely forbidden here. But he was forced to go back to his days with no thoughts of you at all, like a robot that was reset in its functions. Such a life must be hard, not knowing what we had and missing something that we don’t even have to miss”. Noah knew he was making her guilty by placing the accusation on her but he felt jealous. Jealous that she has already felt love and he hasn’t. Jealous that someone matters more to her than him.

“He doesn’t miss me, Noah. But that’s okay. I guess having the memories account to something as well. And he is happy with the new life he has, so, no complains there”, she spoke, mostly to herself rather than to the dumbfound man in front of her.

“Zara, how do you know that? Do you know where he is? Did you find him after all these years? Do I know him?”, he bombarded her with questions at the incredible thought that he might know this man. What if she can never move on? An ugly voice resounded in his mind but he pushed it down to concentrate on the task at hand.

Zara’s eyes widened at his questions and a look of pure agony crossed her face before she answered him. “I, uh … just meant that his new life must be nice. No memories to hold him back or to torture him. Nothing else, Noah. You should really just leave, cause I…”, she whispered.

In a split second, he was in front of her, slowly threading his fingers into her warm and soft palm, “Do I know this person, Zar?”, he asked in the softest whisper that felt like a soothing cascade of cold water over her torched skin. She was pulled into the vortex of the past, her joyous and carefree self that she was. She realized that she felt the same way again and the mere thought terrified her. Noah had been her rock, always making her smile and feeling cherished. She knew she the mere thought of going down the same path must terrify her. And it did but it also excited her. The myriad emotions that were rushing through her veins broke down all the walls that she had erected with grit.

“Yes, you know him”. She swallowed a sob. “It’s you, moron. It’s always been you. How could you not know?” But now she was sobbing and soon her sobs were accompanied by hiccups as she stayed in the same place while he had a panic attack on the information. Noah felt the entire world swirl around him.

“I… I … uh… I never knew. Why didn’t you say something? I am your best friend. It might have taken time but I would have believed you. Why did you keep this away from me? Was I not worthy of your trust?”, he ranted as her forlorn face turned furious.

“Tell you? TELL YOU? What should I have told you, Noah? ‘Hey this is crazy but we used to be in love with each other. So, do you wanna catch up where we left?’ You dare put the blame on me?”, she raged at the accusation.

The look of anguish on his face would have melted any heart but not hers, not after years of crying over the man who saw her as nothing more than a friend. She knew his words were nothing but hasty thoughts but that didn’t control her exasperation.

Noah lost count of how many times he regretted his words that day but honestly spoke to her, “Okay, fine. I understand that it must have been nonsensical to say such a line but you could have saved so much time had you said that, had you taken the risk, Zars”.

“Had I taken the risk? Everything would have been easier had I taken the risk, Noah. Yeah, you would have hated me sooner, called me a lunatic sooner and most of all, you could have left me sooner”, she bellowed.

“Why are you so hellbent that I am going to leave you or throw this away? Do you honestly believe that the old-me was that stupid to actually express his love to a woman he wasn’t serious about? I am sure I must have been serious about you and I am serious about you, right now. What I meant was, we might have saved a lot of time so I could have done this sooner, much, much sooner”. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her with all he got and with all he wanted to give.

The kiss was short but left both of them dazed enough. Zara was the first to break out of the trance. “What the hell was that?”, she mumbled with a thoroughly flushed face. A small blush stole across her cheeks and kept increasing by the intense gaze that Noah pined her with.

A million emotions coursed through both of them at the prospect of having found love, again. Zara was highly wary of this since she thought she wasn’t ready for another set of fresh memories to cry about. She felt emotionally drained and yet his hopeful smile was worth it. He was worth it, she decided.

Noah, on the other hand, felt like a schoolboy whose crush just told that she liked him. He felt giddy at the idea that he could have a shot with Zara. He was a bit overwhelmed at the thought that they had been together that she knows more about him in comparison to his knowledge of her. He also knew she wouldn’t completely forgive his nonsensical words at the moment. But he had a chance. And that’s all that mattered to him.

“Just a little something I’d been of dreaming of doing for the past few months”, he smirked at her, lovingly. His over joyous presence made the corners of her lips rise as well and for a few moments, she completely forgot about the future. All her mind focussed on was the present and the guy in front of her whose smile was waiting to be ravished. 

“I love you”

“I love you”

Both of them looked at the other in incredulity, not knowing who said it first and who is going to forget whom when the fateful sun rose in the morning.

“This will end tragically”, she said in a warning tone but entwined her fingers into his hair once more. He sighed at the calming gesture and involuntarily pulled her in a secure embrace against him. He couldn’t keep the smirk away after knowing that he was the reason for her crimson face and glowing smile. Her eyes kept darting from either of his to the mouth, lingering a moment longer than normal.

“Sweetheart, we were in love once, and now, once again. No matter who forgets whom, we will always find each other. I guess it's inevitable. Falling in love won’t be that hard when we are destined to be apart, love.”

His words rang true and she knew that as well. They weren’t destined to be together but she could at least enjoy the moment that was bestowed upon her. What matters the most is that they have the chance while most others don’t. She vowed to utilise every second that she can steal from fate and prolong her fantasy for as long as possible. 

“You know what this means, right?”, she coyly asked, playing with his loose curls. She loved how calm he appeared in her arms and remembered all his sensitive spots, that would be useful for the silent night. 

“No. Enlighten me”, he murmured and nuzzled her neck eliciting a deep sigh.

“Oh, please. I’ll do more than just enlighten you”, she breathed. 

“Is that a challenge? Ms Black.”

“No, Mr Milton. That is a promise”

Both of them passed the night knowing everything and absolutely nothing about what the next day will bring them. After all, pain is quite common but Joy? Joy is rarely seen and more rarely felt and they cherished every second that was blessed upon them.

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Zara was so lost in her phone that she didn’t notice the surroundings. She bumped into someone by mistake and embarrassedly muttered her apologies but her voice died down. She stared at the man in front of her, looking expectedly down at her, and an unsettling pit grew in her stomach. She was blatantly staring at him and so, to avoid her embarrassment, she cleared her throat.

“You seem familiar. Have we met before?”, she asked in a feeling of déjà vu.

“No. I don’t think so”, he said with a sad yet hopeful smile. “I am Noah, by the way. Hi.”

“And I am Zara. It’s nice to meet you”. Only if he could say the same.

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