Maybe We Should Talk to Someone

She woke up with a headache. Yet again. This was the fifth such time in the last fifteen days. Though she had been living with migraine bouts over the last several years, it was never like this. Not at this frequency and definitely not with this severity.

She could almost hear the pounding in her temples. She didn’t feel like getting up from the bed. This was another new thing. She normally never felt this tired. She touched her forehead once again to check whether she was running at a temperature. But her skin felt cold against her touch.

She got up very slowly from the bed so that she didn’t disturb Bhaskar sleeping next to her. She tiptoed out into the kitchen. She popped in a couple of pills and stretched out on the sofa in the hall for a couple of minutes.

A wave of sadness seemed to wash over her. She started to feel her life was meaningless. She began to sob uncontrollably at this thought. She didn’t realize how long it was until she felt her husband’s cold stare as she tried to wipe off her tears.

“What is the matter with you?” the impatience in Bhaskar’s voice stung her.

“I have a severe headache” Sumathi replied as she tried to get up.

“This is the ‘n’th time this week. And are you a child for crying over a headache? If anyone sees you crying like this, they would think I am one monster of a husband” Bhaskar said without raising his voice. He didn’t have to. His tone had that lethal edge anyway.

Bhaskar’s reaction pushed Sumathi further into depression. She buried her face into the sofa cushion. Bhaskar stormed into the kitchen. Sumathi could hear the loud noises as he deliberately banged the utensils. Though she knew he needed his cup of coffee to survive through the day, she didn’t make any attempt to get up. She simply couldn’t.

Bhaskar marched into the bedroom with his cup of coffee and banged the door shut behind him. Though Sumathi knew he wouldn’t make a cup for her, she still expected him to. As she silently shed tears she seemed to sink into her dismal mood even further.

In her heart of hearts, Sumathi knew that she couldn’t blame Bhaskar for his reaction. It has been months since Sumathi has had these bouts of feeling blue. The frequency at which these were hitting her is only increasing, as the days passed by. Bhaskar had even suggested that they visit a psychiatrist. But Sumathi resisted him vehemently saying “I am not mad. I don’t need a shrink.”

Bhaskar tried reasoning it out with her that visiting the psychiatrist didn’t mean that she was mad. But Sumathi wouldn’t relent. As she lay on that sofa, feeling as though she was drowning in a sea of melancholy, Sumathi wondered whether she should really give it a shot.

As Bhaskar emerged out of the bedroom fully dressed for going to work, Sumathi meakly asked “Bhashi, would you fix an appointment for me with that psychiatrist friend of yours?”

If Bhaskar was surprised at these words of Sumathi, he didn’t show. With a face that belied any expression, he replied he would and left home.

Over the next few months, Sumathi visited the psychiatrist twice a week. During the first two sessions, she hardly spoke and as the hour went by, she felt more and more tense. She wondered whether it was a costly mistake to agree to counseling sessions. If she wasn’t going to speak, she knew it was money down the drain. But the harder she focused on it, the more tongue tied she felt.

However, during her fourth session, she started to speak. It was as though the floodgates were opened. She talked about her fears, her childhood traumas growing up without a mother, her frustrations about feeling so low and letting down a nice person like Bhaskar. She broke down many a time. At other times, she talked with great composure. All the while, her psychiatrist took notes, asking her appropriate questions, but mostly listening.

Finally, when Sumathi felt totally spent, she heard her psychiatrist Sridevi speak to her calmly. That’s when Sumathi learnt the depression she was going through might be majorly due to her biology. Sridevi said Sumathi might have inherited it. She hastened to add that she need not feel stuck. She prescribed some anti depressants saying that would help her lift her moods.

When Sumathi said she felt ashamed that she needed such counseling sessions which to her signaled that she lacked mental strength, Sridevi looked at her in silence and said “There is nothing wrong about needing counseling. You did the right thing. There are too many people out there who are in denial and suffering because of it. You are brave.” 

On Bhaskar’s goading, Sumathi read the book “Maybe you should talk to someone” by Lori Gottileb and found it fascinating. When she learned about the stories of the likes of an Emmy award winning director, a psychiatrist herself, in addition to quite a few others, not only going through the process of psychiatric therapy but also sharing their experience so openly in the book, she realized that there was nothing to be ashamed about in needing therapy from an expert.

She felt going to the therapist for treatment of some ailment of the mind is just like going to a physician for treatment of the body. Once she accepted it, Sumathi felt relieved and started looking forward to her weekly therapy sessions with hope.

The story is submitted in celebration of the World Mental Health Day on 10th October, 2021.