I WITHERED AND BLOOMED AGAIN

Everyone has a story, this is mine. A story of a little girl who never knew herself, her choices, her dreams and prominently her happiness. Little by little, she was going down a dark road, deep down she didn't think she was worth living. But that girl was full of love, kindness and energy .When she started blossoming , the people around plucked at her very badly. One day, after trying so much she broke down - That girl was ME. Whenever I recall my past , my life seems like a movie with a lot of villains but the good part is villain's role also teaches us a lot.

It all started from the childhood- Childhood, it's exactly like a seed, the more we nurture it , the better it grows. I remember crying almost every other day. My parents used to behave in a very strange way what I obviously didn't like. Although, their intention was good but the way wasn't appropriate. Like many of the parents, they wanted to keep me under their control, according to them it was for my own good and a part of parenting but it wasn't convenient for me. It actually wasn't their fault but the fault of our so-called society where everyone is ready to poke their nose into other people's business. For their love I had to wait. All this took emotional toll on me. When I grew up, I was so desolated and lonely. I couldn't study, sitting alone in the dark all the day, lost in my own world , screaming at myself, guilt and fears kept haunting me. There was a time when I hoped the night would last forever. I felt empty and directionless. It was bothering me so much. Waking up every morning had become a struggle. 

To make matters worse, I was an overweight teenager and people didn't want talk to me . I felt like everyone was embarrassed to hangout with me. I remember an incident - I was in +2, our school principal called me to show the marks which I scored in my pre-boards. After that, she threw my books on the floor and told me you are not good at studies, we can't even make you an airhostess because " YOU ARE FAT AND UGLY". We have always been taught that teachers shows us the right path and teach us good things. Really? If the teacher teaches the good things then how can, she speak like this to me? People used to laugh at me ( my own people) with bunch of bad comments about my appearance. This resulted in my struggle with body image and self-esteem issues. Slowly, I started getting attached to outsiders with the hope that maybe they would give me their love. Not love but they did use me. Now, when I look back I realize what had happened. From friendship to relationship, every single person took advantage of my innocence.

One thing I was rely on that someone will come and save me. I was sick of people. Life seems so bad and future seems dark. I was neither achieving anything in school nor in life. I started calling myself as " LOSER". I was shattered and badly devastated. I was tired of hearing about body, beauty, studies, success and what not. I was tired of pretending that things are perfect when they were not. It felt like everyone expected me to be in a certain way. But what about my opinion? I swallowed all these negative things. Everyone was against me but no one took a step forward to know what is happening. I tried to fix things out but nothing worked. Then with all my courage , I scheduled an appointed with psychiatrist and not surprisingly , I was diagnosed with EUPD and major depression. It was the start of my recovery journey. Currently, I am on medications along with therapy. My Doctor and therapist are really amazing and the way they approach my struggles are admirable. They are teaching me to walk in the beautiful and bumpy roads of life again. I have to learn everything from scratch. How to talk again , how to smile again, how to be a daughter, how to love again and how to trust again. I have to learn how to exist again. Little by little, I started picking up the pieces of myself and I realised what I am making is a " WOMAN" now, who is trying to be kind to herself and learning to live again. Yes, a woman , that little girl who was in pain is gone.

I believe we've all done things we are not proud of. We need to let go of our past wrongs and figure out what can we do right. Letting go of past is actually very complex but not impossible . There is one beautiful saying by Elbert Hubbard - When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Just like the lemonade, try to find something beautiful from your past like memories. Memories are sometimes a relief. The recovery process is still going on and it is long and hard. We learn alot along the way. In order to get better, we need to stop torturing ourselves. We can't be motivated all the time, we just have to get up. Believe me, I am also like you guys who often procrastinate things, feels sad but instead of running from it, I accept the fact and allow myself crying and move on. Changes does happen over time especially positive changes , they happens so slowly it can feel it's not happening at all. Repressing emotions is an unhealthy coping mechanism , the longer we keep the more we suffer. We fall, get up and that's how we become stronger. In my self-exploration journey, I found a lot of things I am interested in like reading novels - They let us escape into another world - The world where we can become someone else, away from all worries and things we have to do.

We meet a lot of people in life who damage us in one or in another way and we kind of start hating them but it's easy to hate, it's easy to fear, it's goddam hard to love and it's not optional, it's essential. I believe if I can rock, anyone can! Trust yourself. Do all the things you missed in your childhood. There is no age bar for doing your favourite things. Find the hidden talent inside you , if you don't know anything about yourself, you are not aware of your talents. We always listen to others and try to walk on their path, which looks small and easy but it fades away after a while. It's the time for you to decide who you wanna be instead of just letting people decide for you. Whoever is reading this, trust me you are incredible and you have got thousand capacities in you. It's completely ok to get lost as long as you find your way back. Remember, the ugliest of things can be beautiful as long as you take the time to look.