How Blue Is My Sapphire

All of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am. I have accepted the reality, the bitter truth, and I behave and act normal as if nothing has happened. I ignore my husband’s infidelity – he thinks I don’t know, but I notice his increasing overtimes, his endless texting and his private conversations. He often slips into another room away from me to hide his seemingly romantic conversations. What bothers me the most about all of this is that he neither speaks to me about this nor does he open up? And now, even my children appear to have grown miles apart from me. Two years back, they used to run behind me for everything, “Ma, I need sandwich for lunch. Ma, can we go to the park. Ma, I need to do the project for school. Ma, my friend told this, Ma, let us go for a movie.” So many little things that meant the world to me.

And now, in this world, I’m just an old breathing furniture, with no part to play in my family’s life but sit in a corner and watch them.

It was my birthday and I was entering the 46th year of my life. I was draped in a dark blue saree with a printed blouse along with the blue sapphire solitaire around my neck and matching sapphire studs in my ears, hoping that my family will notice me. No one noticed me and no one wished me. My younger son, Sadhan was busy tying his shoe laces while my husband Sujoy, adjusting his tie, and talking on the phone was guiding Sadhan on the shoelace. I was about to fetch the lunch box but Sujoy grabbed it, “I got it.” He searched for his car keys, as he did every day. Must be in his right drawer then.

He bumped into Cleo while searching for his keys, “Stupid Creature, one day he is going to get crushed”, he yelled at it while Sadhan lifted and played with Cleo, offering him cabbage leaves from the kitchen table. Cleo was our pet, a small Russian tortoise.

Sujoy found his keys exactly where I had anticipated them to be. “For God’s sake Sadhan, we are getting late. Put that sluggish tortoise away. Will you?”

Both of them left waving and throwing Byes at me. My maid left, my cook left and it was now Cleo and me in the house along with the furniture and machines. I picked up Cleo, as was my habit and spoke to him as if he could understand everything. He was the closest I had to a best friend. To Sujoy, Cleo might be a sluggish tortoise but it was my world, my only friend who roamed around me and liked to cuddle in my lap. How I wish my family wanted me the same way!

It was almost eleven now and Varun, my elder son, hadn’t yet called. He never forgot my birthday and was always the first one to wish me.

But on this birthday, no one called. No one wished nor did anyone notice. In this giant house, I was a vegetable and the only companion I had was Cleo.

At 1 p.m., I lost my hope for Varun’s call to wish me. I sat there, reminiscing the ups and downs of my life while Cleo was drinking water in his bowl. Moments, good and bad, stood in front of me like a movie frame – from my wedding with Sujoy to Cleo in the pet shop. Both my husband and younger son were arguing on the pet. Sadhan wanted a tortoise and Sujoy a dog.

They had actually selected the name – Cleo – without deciding on the pet. Finally, Sujoy succumbed to Sadhan’s tears and ended up paying an exorbitant price for a Russian tortoise against his wishes.

To Sujoy, a tortoise was a good-for-nothing-animal and I always wondered if he felt the same about me as well. Cleo couldn’t bark, and couldn’t run or play. He was slow and lazy, crawling around the house like a lousy reptile.

The biggest irritation to Sujoy was that, he had to fence the garden walls deep in the ground so that Cleo would not burrow and cross the walls. He grumbled about how pets should scare outsiders, whereas we were worrying about our pet being crushed by people or animals. After few days, he was convinced, that he had paid too high a price for a tortoise which was also blind, because Cleo kept bumping into furniture.

As for Varun, his trip home on weekends was only to play with Sadhan. Cleo did not amuse him at all. I knew that one day, Sadhan will also lose interest in Cleo and it will just lay in the garden, unnoticed and ignored for the rest of its life with no family to care and support.

And then at exactly 2 p.m., a weird thought occurred to me – when there is no part to play in this life, why am I still alive? No one needed me. They might mourn me for a few days, but they will eventually get back to their normal lives. Sujoy would probably marry his new found love but would she take care of my children?

I hastened to my room and turned out the drawers, searching for sleeping medicines, determined to die. Only, there were none. Sujoy must have definitely hid them so that I don’t find them, since he was the one who carefully monitored the dose and gave it to me. The family doctor had particularly warned about a possibility of over-dose and patients with my condition displayed suicidal tendencies.

I broke into uncontrollable sobs, crying my heart out with frustration and hopelessness. I must have cried for an hour and then, when there were no more tears left, I reviewed my situation again – I was a vegetable rotting day by day, and I couldn’t even die.

Everyone around me acted as if everything was normal but I saw in their eyes, every day, every moment of what I was – a breathing body, a mere sack of bones. Living with so much burden was becoming difficult day by day. Normally, I was the person that sucked in all bad feelings like a vacuum cleaner, never letting the smile fade on my face. But on my 46th Birthday, I just wanted to die and stop this never-ending suffering.

I sat there lost in my thoughts with no track of time, only to realize suddenly that, Cleo was missing. I frantically searched for him under the chairs, under the dining table and, under the open kitchen shelf, no sign of him, My family had returned by now, “Ma, what happened, Are you alright?” It was Varun. But there was no excitement to see Varun. I just kept sobbing, unable to control myself and Sadhan started weeping loudly, “What happened to Ma? Why is she crying?

He came to me and cupped my face in his little hands, “Ma, don’t cry. I will be a good boy. I will not bother you. From past couple of days, I have been doing all my things so that I don’t bother you. Tell me if I did something wrong, but don’t cry. Please, Ma”

I still kept crying, not knowing what to tell the poor kid. I hadn’t realized how seriously he was invested in not bothering me and being a responsible kid, to make his Ma happy.

I hugged Sadhan, “I am crying because I can’t find Cleo. I am worried about him and it is my fault that I did not keep an eye on him.”

At this, Sujoy yelled at me, “Are you mad? You are crying for that stupid tortoise! You gave me a heart attack! I thought something happened to you!”

Something broke inside me and for the first time, I too responded with a yell “Do you care? You only care about that new girlfriend of yours!”

“What?”

“I found a jewelry set in your closet and I am not blind. I can see what you have been up to recently.”

“What am I up to? You always talk petty things. Do you think I am so cheap to cheat on my wife? At this age? The jewelry set was for you. I was planning to give it to you in the evening. And, by the way, happy birthday, my stupid and over-thinking wife!”

I gasped, “You remember?”

“I do. How could I forget? We were planning a surprise for you and here, the birthday girl is in a mess crying for that good-for-nothing and ever-sleeping tortoise.”

“Pa, come on now. This is winter and it is probably hibernating”, Varun tried to calm him.

“Happy birthday Ma. You and Sadhan should stop crying. We will find it.”

“No Varun, it is my fault.”

Sadhan jumped, “Ma, I will find it. I always do”, he pulled his big brother to conduct an intensive search.

Sujoy walked up to me, “Amita, what is this? Why are you acting so silly? What happened to my strong and effervescent Amita, who brightened up my whole life with just a smile?”

“Sujoy, I see it every day in your eyes; in the children’s eyes of what I have become? I couldn’t even keep an eye on Cleo. I am a sheer waste, a sack of bones sitting on a wheel chair, who is good-for-nothing.”

Sujoy smiled, knelt to me and looked in my eyes, “Biwi, (he called me biwi, on special occasions) Cleo is the one who is good-for-nothing. Your presence and smile is enough for me and the kids. You have done so much for us and it is now our turn. I won’t leave you for anyone. Not even for an Apsara! And he winked at me.

“But you keep calling names! Good-for-nothing, such a waste, silly, stupid and what not?! And what about those secret conversations and messages?”

“Ohh! I get it now. You thought I was indirectly telling you. Those were for that lazy thing, but I do like him in my own way. I wanted a dog so that it can protect our house and bark to keep the strangers away. You are at home alone and I keep worrying about you at the office. Sometimes you don’t answer the telephone. And you won’t allow the maid or nurse to stay at home. I didn’t realize I was hurting you. So stupid of me.”

I looked at him in astonishment, which he misunderstood. You don’t believe me still? Let me go find this stupid” and he realized and bit his tongue, “I mean Cleo. Will you believe me then?”

“Papa, we looked everywhere and can’t find it.”

At this, I started sobbing again, “I should have…”

“Amita, don’t blame yourself. I will find it. Boys, in the meantime, why don’t you show your mother the beautiful gift we got for her? And I hope the secret conversations were worth it” Sujoy fled to the garden, searching for Cleo.

Varun pulled a wheel chair from the car.

“Another wheel chair? This one is comfortable”

“No, Ma. This one is electronic and has many more features. It will help you do almost anything, with just a click.”

Yes. It was a different chair and as Varun lifted me up, I could not resist asking, “How much is it?”

“Nowhere near as much as your happiness is worth.”

He seated me in the new chair. It had an electronic panel, looking like a gadget more than a chair.

I was still flabbergasted, “This is just the first gift for the evening. I got admission in the nearby college and I am coming to stay at home! And we are going to have long evening drives, you and me.” As he said that, two tiny droplets fell from his eyes on my wrists.

Two hours back, I was planning to die, thinking no one loved me. I was so wrong. All of their actions centered on me, trying to make me happy and I misunderstood it all. The only thing I wanted was Cleo now to complete my day.

Just then, Cleo landed on my lap, hidden in his shell. Sujoy found him. “He was near the fountain comfortable in his shell and you guys thought he was a rock among others. Won’t blame you because I have done this before too, when Sadhan couldn’t find it and was crying. I was so annoyed and sat near the fountain, thinking I should have never bought this animal, only to see that this one rock was moving.”

Everyone laughed but Cleo was still in his shell. I spoke to him and kissed his shell and he popped out. I thought about how we both were pathetic animals that hid in their shells without complaining or expressing but when showered with love and affection, we just shrugged out the past and popped out of our shells, smiling and beaming.”

Phew. What a long day! But I will always remember this birthday where I rediscovered my family and above all, I understood myself.

“Selfie moment,” Said Varun adjusting his mobile and every one of us posed for it including Cleo in my hand, who appeared to be happy. I wasn’t sure though – if it was, for the winter coming to an end or for becoming a true part of this family.

But for me winter had definitely ended, finally, after two years of my accident. Doctors had declared then that, I will not be able to walk again in my life. I had become paralyzed below my waist. After continuous therapy and sessions, I was slowly becoming independent, capable of doing some things on my own. Realization dawned bright on me, that I will have my family with me always and with their support, I was going to live a life full of happiness and not a mere sack of bones on a wheelchair. I do mean a lot to my family.

And as I looked into the camera, I caught the blue reflection of the sapphire around my neck. The only thought that came to my mind was, “How blue is my Sapphire? And with the smiles radiating happiness around me, I couldn’t help but wonder – “How golden is my life!”