Every Memory Is Special

Hey Sara,

I need you to listen and listen carefully love. It’s the new year and you’ve finally learned to leave all the old wounds behind but there’s something else you’re about to learn and I promise you, it will change everything, forever.

Now that you’ve finally learnt to love yourself, you’re ready to love another. I know you’re laughing but it’s true and he’ll love you back. More than you can think. And before I narrate every possible thing you’ll regret in the long run, here’s the lesson : you don’t ever think the last time is the last time.

Ten days from now, he’ll notice you in a way he never did and you’ll wish you had those 10 days extra days too. Everything you thought was normal, is about to go away because this will be extraordinary. You’d given up and he’ll make you believe. He’s going to be the best and the worst thing that’s happened to you. It’ll consume you, this feeling and you’ll be scared to call it love, but that is exactly what it is.

He’ll tell you how he thinks you’re absolutely adorable and look at you like you’re the only thing worth seeing in the room. It’ll overwhelm you and you won’t believe him and that’ll hurt him. He was never lying and just once, let someone treat you the way you deserve to be.

You’re still insecure because after all, you learned to love from those who loved you the least but you’re his priority. Have a little faith. He’ll start to open up to you and you’ll be his rock. It’s not going to be easy and this is where you need to stick around. Don’t get cold. Your parents didn’t make it work for 25 years by giving up. Anything is possible if you want it enough.

You’ll also start to forget who you are in the process of trying to fix things. No one tells us this but it’s okay to not be someone’s hero and let people fight their own battles. And meanwhile, figure out what it is that you want to do with your own life. It’s pretty long and all you got is you. If it's meant to be, he’ll find his way back to you. And do not ever interfere with the process of someone’s healing, they do so in their own ways.

You’ll both hurt each other in ways that shouldn’t be humanly possible but I need you to accept that risk and know that you’ll get through it. Don’t shut everyone else out, it’ll only make things worse.

Don’t ever take your first kiss or the few times the two of you lie in bed looking into each other’s eyes for granted. Please get more time with him. I know it’ll hurt and look like he’s there for everyone but you but tell him that. Don’t let that thought keep you awake at night. Tell him the things that go through that head of yours. I know its really really bad but let him decide if he’s up for hearing them. Stop making assumptions about everyone.

Start noticing the small things, you’ll miss them the most. The things he did to make you laugh, how he likes to bake cakes instead of buying them, how he was never scared to say I love you first because he was sure. Don’t make him doubt that. The abandonment issues will creep up through every summer that went wrong but doesn’t let that decide the fate of this one. It’ll never be easy but it’ll be worth it. Make another phone call even if it’s just to say I Love You or goodnight.

If you give up now, you’ll be the exact wreckage that I am right now. An abandoned house that’ll never be home again.

Because this is what I did in August: I stared at the ceiling trying to remember the last time we were together and happy. It was a Tuesday morning and he was absolutely lazy. He wore his favorite Flash T-shirt that you’re so bored of seeing him in. You talked and the last thing he tells you is, “Hey, it’s okay. We have plenty of time to figure this out”, and you nod, put your right arm gently on his left cheek as you softly kiss the other one. It was kinda like a habit like you’d keep doing it for as long as life would permit you to. But that was the last time and you think there’s more but there isn’t.

I need you believe against all odds that you can do this. There will never be enough time. Stop wasting it on petty doubts and fights and love everyone around you a little more, but especially him. He needs it and so do you. Balance things out between who want to be and what you want with him and maybe then there’s a future where you’ll walk together from dusk till dawn.

Don’t ever stop fighting.

Yours truly,

The wreckage, a year from now