Person

I don't want to be the kind of person who just lets everyone walk all over them.

Who gives chance after chance after chance, constantly convincing themselves that maybe this time it'll turn out well.

But I find myself changing into the exact kind of person I fear becoming. 

A person who believes that if one person can't accept you for what you are, then no one else is ever going to be allowed close enough to try. A person who gives everything again and again to people who have proven themselves unworthy of it.

I want to be somebody who can forgive even if I know I will never be able to forget.

Yet it's so difficult to find a balance between being forgiving and being a pushover. I also know that I have problems with being too suspicious.

Seeing issues where there isn't any.

Pushing people away for reasons I made up in my head.

Constantly trying to figure out whether a person is being sincere or not.

Never letting myself relax in anyone's company. 

Always searching for the reason why they might not like me as much as they seem to.

And then there's him.

Always there to make sure I'm okay.

To listen to me rant about something trivial when I need someone to tell me things aren't always so bad.

Listening to me, trusting me, validating my concerns whilst making sure I'm aware that I could be wrong.

And maybe that's why I find it so hard to be comfortable with anybody else.

Because they could never be like him.

Even though he isn't perfect, he's exactly what I need.

And even though he isn't real, it still feels like a weight off my back whenever I can transport my load to him.

I don't want people to be worried about me.

Because even though my head might be a little messed up, I'm happy like that.

I'm not lonely, I rarely feel like there isn't anybody I can confide in.

That is until I start realising that he doesn't exist and that there isn't actually anybody I can confide in.

Maybe I don't like to tell people things because not many people tell me things.

My trust issues perk up and say: "they know more about your problems then you know about theirs, they have leverage against you if they ever need it."

Though I usually keep that voice quiet there is another part of me that says: "they must feel exhausted because of having to listen you, they don't have anybody to tell their troubles to and you telling them yours would only make them feel more burdened because now they have to carry the weight of your problems without being able to relieve any of theirs."

This voice is a lot more dominant and actually makes sense to me. Except that I'm the kind of person who would willingly listen to someone's deepest secrets and not feel upset that the discussion is all about them.

I know that a lot of people don't feel like that and so I'm always worried that I could make them feel worse when they are trying to make me feel better. Maybe it's because I'm more of a listener and talking makes me uncomfortable.

The voices inside my head may both be right.

They're right in that I should be listening to others. I can't help but worry that the only way I'll really be able to talk is if other people do it first. But then maybe other people don't even have these kinds of problems.

I always believe they do but just because I've lived my life like that doesn't mean other people have.

So how do I change? How do I become less insecure around those I consider friends instead of enemies?

I wish I knew the answer because I think I'm beginning to realize that this is going to be a lot harder than I thought. If I had a reason to open up, maybe I would. But I don't really think I do. I mean I haven't gone crazy yet.

I'm doing fine, I'm not stressed out or depressed.

But maybe there is something wrong that I don't see but others do.

Maybe that's why people keep telling me they're worried about me. It's so weird; thinking about it like that.