Time Flies...

Hi Love,

It’s been such a long time I called you by that name. Isn’t it? You should have been named that because that is what you are, have always been.

Life is very hard these days you know. I am 35 and my life is full of challenges on all fronts and I usually get tired tackling all of them. And then I often think of you. We both are so similar in many ways.

These days I feel probably it would have been so much better if you had explored your ability to write, sing, learn music, paint when you were a little girl, around 4 or 5 years of age. I know you had tried at times but it did not work out. You were only supposed to get good grades in exams. Of course, you were good at it! But the other aspects of you also needed nourishment. There was just too much focus and attention on your younger sister for her extracurricular development be it drawing or dancing and you have been okay with it. What you are not okay with is that you should also have been given equal attention. Not that it has broken you down or something. In fact, it has made you stronger because you have navigated all your life on your own. But there is that pinching sense of discontent that if you would have had equal support in your house you would been a much more confident individual and would not have to struggle in taking the big and small decisions in life. But I believe this happens in every other household and you too have learnt to navigate through it.

I remember when you were 12, you were going through those growing up changes and they were too overwhelming that they used to leave you exhausted and you know the reasons why... You never understood how to make it through your day in high school. And this lasted for a year and a half. I wish you had someone really understanding to talk to you who would have made that phase of your life easier to deal with, because I know the hell that you went through then and the lasting, seemingly irreparable damage that it has caused to you all your life which you have never stopped fighting, never should.

Even after you passed out from school and made it to college around 17 years of age, your life wasn’t easy. Most of the times it was chaotic and directionless. But boy!… you have made it so far in life and that is just amazing! I remember the sense of inferiority always lurking like a halo above you in your college days and how much effort you needed to overcome it. But now, look at you. You are something else. I know that you do feel scared of that older version of yourself as there are those unidentifiable parts of you that still hold you back when what you want to actually do is propel yourself in the forward direction.

I know that you are very strong and capable. But there are parts of you which had never been challenged. I remember you used to get so uncomfortable even thinking about night outs with strangers or outdoor trips with college-mates when you were 21. I mean today, as I look back, I feel the fear was so irrational and you have really missed out on so much of life. But then you were already doing too many things then and that must have left you preoccupied to even think about yourself. You have single-handedly seen your mother through three hospitalizations for different reasons and her tuberculosis ailment when you were pursuing degree college around 18 – 22 years of your age. You were supportive during your father’s major hospitalization at which time you had taken up your first job as a professor at 23. You demonstrated amazing strength during your sister’s difficult times when she was doing her master’s and you had taken up your second job at 25. Do you remember how you made notes for her so that she could study and give her exams because she was just too exhausted with whatever she had been through? You have always loved your family.

At 25 your life was much better off than what it had always been. Well, not really, but you felt so because you were able to pursue the work that you loved and experienced the freedom of being on your own. But you were so naive and had only started understanding yourself and that is when the real challenges started showing up. I always wondered how come you were never into socializing up until recently when you turned 27. I know why. Because you were too devoted to your household and your family. But then you started challenging yourself and going out with your work colleagues. You started doing things you never did before, attending outstation marriages that required you to stay away from family for days, trying out new things that your colleagues would urge you to and being decisive about whether you like it or not so that you can fathom if you want to do it again.

That is what you started believing in. Trying all that you want, if you want, at least once, no matter how weird it might seem to the other person. You started meeting new people and understanding that there is life out of work and your growth is so impeccable that now you can talk to a stranger for hours together, of course, if you are like-minded. But now you have changed again and you think before you try things. As odd as it may seem, with this change in you, night out with strangers is the next challenge that you look forward to, but not having done that does not affect your confidence today, because you know the difference between a challenge and a risk. You are aware that as much as it is important to challenge yourself, you also should be able to hold yourself and so you end up taking balanced decisions in life.

I was really proud of what you had become when you crossed 30 when you realized that there were parts of you which were yearning for love and attention and all your life you had been drawing that love from your close friends and relatives and mostly so your mentors. It took you a good four years after this realization to learn to be self – reliant and for that you started distancing yourself from all those you felt you were getting dependent on.

Around 32 years of your age you started speaking lesser and lesser with your mentors and people who you have always loved for fear of being overtly co-dependent on them. At around this time your mother was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer and was gracefully healed thanks to all that you have done for her along with the other members of your family and close friends. Around that time your father also had to be suddenly hospitalized for low blood pressure and your sister had got operated and you were taking care of all of them while dealing with your personal challenges. This should only make you realize that you are a wonderful human being and no one can ever take that away from you. You have now changed in that you have become more reserved about your family matters as you want your personal life to be just your’s because the strong core in you will not let anyone around you help you, directly or indirectly. And it is just fine. But make sure you have people to talk to when you really feel like because life is much easier when you have someone along.

The last three years (33, 34, 35) when you have bloomed are, I think, the best years of your life. You are 35 now, just like me, and I just wanted you to know that no matter what you chose to do in life, you must never ever let go of your dreams or try to fit them into other people’s expectations because your dreams are the only things that are yours. Today onwards I really want you to commit a ten thousand percent to your personal growth and never think about what goes around you until you have achieved what you set out for and be ready with another challenge when the first one has been met with. That is how you live life boldly and grow. Just remember that. I know that it wouldn't be possible for you to do all that I am telling you to do. But try nevertheless! Be cool and quirky and humorous and let your hair down and laugh as and when possible. It is a long journey ahead of you and you don’t want to frown all along. So, get your performance hat on and beat the hell out of everyone who tells you that you cannot be all that you aspire to be.

Till you get older and I can write another such letter,

Much love,

Your older self.