Arivazhagan Subbarayan



Arivazhagan Subbarayan


The Hugs And Kisses...!

The Hugs And Kisses...!

10 mins

Kadhir cuddled me softly. I lost myself in his embrace. I thought that was a moment to be cherished forever. "I love you Kavitha. Will you marry me?", he whispered affectionately looking into my eyes. His beautiful smiling eyes exuded love and sincerity. I was mesmerized! I was ecstatic! I felt secured in his embrace. No words came from me for a while. I simply hugged him tightly and kissed on his right cheek. Though he could understand what my answer would be, he asked again, "you didn't answer my question yet", then, I slowly reached for his left hand and gently squeezed it and told him that I would accept his offer to be with him for my whole life. He hugged me tightly and kissed. I savoured that wonderful feeling for a while. The feeling of cared by, loved by someone I genuinely cared and loved. The world turned out to be a great place to live on. Everything seemed peaceful and beautiful. A sense of strange calmness engulfed me totally. Really, I was ecstatic! 

What I felt at that moment, I sensed he felt too, a surreal exchange where the world stood still, and nothing existed except the two of us. Time stretched long, rich and meaningful and evaporated with the blink of an eye. 

I still remember the day I first met Kadhir. It was my friend's wedding reception. A young and handsome man in his late twenties was struggling with a huge package in his hands, looking pathetically for some help. I was standing next to my friend, watching him struggling, volunteered to hold the package with him. He smiled at me attractively and said genuinely, "Thank you Miss...."

  "Kavitha", I replied smiling.

  "Hi Kadhir", my friend received her huge present from him. 

  "Kavitha, he is Kadhir, my neighbor. Kadhir, this Kavitha, my best friend", we smiled at each other when my friend introduced. 

I saw him again in the dining hall. There was only one seat left unoccupied beside him. He smiled at me again, "you can sit here, if you wish"

"Sure, thank you", I sat beside him without hesitation. 

"By the way, where is your house? If you think it's none of my business, I won't ask", again the same attractive smile. His smile would brighten the dullest of rooms, I thought.

"EVR street"

"EVR street? The street near to our street? Then, I must be blind!"


"For not noticing a gorgeous angel in the street nearby"

An involuntary giggle came out from me. 

"You know how to seduce a girl", I said with a mocking stern look suppressing my joy.

"No, no, this is not about seducing. I am just telling the truth", he said defensively.

"Just kidding", I smiled.

After finishing our business in the dining hall, we came out together. The time was eight in the evening. A light breeze tussled my hair. The night sky was aglow with bright city lights. The pale crescent moon shone like a silvery claw in the night sky. We looked up at the blanket of stars that stretched to infinity. 

"In the serenade of the black, the stars are a choir; they are lights that sing in infinite patterns", he said philosophically. 

"Sometimes eyes need music, and the darker the night the sweeter the song", I finished the remaining part of the quote by Angela Abraham.

"I think, you are a voracious reader", he commented with a surprise.

"Not like that. Only some interesting stuff", I said politely.

"Shall I walk you to your house?", he asked. For that, I nodded simply but with growing happiness inside. We started strolling towards my house. A comfortable silence materialized between us. That was a silence which was meaningful, which conveyed a lot between us, which was very important with a person, you want to share your life.

Except for the click and scuff of our shoes, the town was silent. His hand deliberately brushed against mine.

“If you're thinking you want to hold my hand, I’m okay with that,” I said shyly. A stiff breeze tussled my hair again.

Hand in hand we walked without saying a word, each comfortable in our state of quietude.

At that time, we both sensed a strange, strong bond started to form inside us. Is that called love at first sight?

I was one of the happiest women on earth when he started courting me. After months of courtship... texting, calling, sending flowers and chocolates, going to movies and restaurants, he asked that important question and to which I accepted.

A month later we were married. 

Weddings are joyous occasions with plenty of music, dance, partying and merry-making. They also bring together long-lost friends, relatives and acquaintances. It is a great social event in our society. It is a means of establishing new bonds between two individuals and families.

He, the groom was seated on a raised and decorated platform, looking like a throne. Soon I was called to sit near him. I was dressed in a shining silk saree.

I shyly and slowly walked up to the platform. There, we exchanged garlands. Everyone blessed us throwing rice grains on us and cheered. There was a competition amongst the family members to pose for photographs with us. The wedding was a grand success! 

Dhruv, our son was born two years later. Kadhir was promoted in his company with an additional amount of income attached to it and also extra amount of working time. Myself, being a doctor, I have my usual practice and steady income. Days, months and years rolled on. Now, Dhruv is doing his first year engineering.

Twenty long years passed. I was so happy with my life. I thought the same happiness will last till the end of my life.

But, fate decided differently. I had to attend a conference at Bangalore. Kadhir didn't know this. After going home and packing my things, I would let him know my plans, I thought.

I opened the door with my spare key. I entered into the house. I saw the bedroom door was opened slightly. I went there inside the room. What I saw there? I was not able to believe my eyes. Or, was it a dream? I felt like thousand arrows were piercing my heart. I saw Kadhir with a woman in full nakedness.

They both saw me. I just closed the door and went into another room and sat on the bed. My body was shaking. Tears rolled down my cheeks. My whole life was turned upside down. The so called true love of twenty years vanished in thin air. How am I going to tolerate this? Suddenly, my son Dhruv entered into the house. He saw his dad with another woman and his mom weeping inside another room. He was a grown man then. He immediately understood what might have happened.

An hour later, Kadhir came to the house after driving the other woman to her place. He slouched on the sofa in the living room.

"Who was that lady, dad?"

"She is my colleague", he replied staring through the window.

"How long you both have this damned affair?"

"It's none of your business. I will talk to my wife"

"Since, you are betraying my mom, it is very much my business to ask you this"

Kadhir had no answer for that, so, he stormed out of the house screaming, "hell with your damned idiotic question", and slammed the door behind him.

I was lying on my bed hearing the conversation. Why he was behaving like this? What happened to him? Why he was betraying me? Definitely this might not be the first time! This might have happened so many times. That's why the anger. I always fulfilled my duty as a housewife. I cooked for him, slept with him satisfying him sexually, even though I was in a tight schedule and toiling in the hospital. I cared for him, adored him and was loving him sincerely from each and every cell of my body. Why this was happening to me? Was the God weary of giving peaceful life to me? I wept and wept and wept and finally slept. Dhruv woke me with a cup of coffee in his hand. He seemed very much sad and disappointed. He seemed to have come to the conclusion of seeing the same dad and mom would not be a possibility hereafter. 

He soothed me that everything would be fine and not to worry. But, he, himself not satisfied with the soothing words. He, himself not able to digest what he saw in the house. I sipped the coffee, Dhruv had brought me, went into the bathroom and washed my face. I came to the living room and started watching the news. I was not able to keep my concentration on the news. My thoughts were wandering back to the wonderful life we lived together.

And suddenly, the thoughts about the backstabbing! Why, my God, this turmoil in my brain? What the hell I did to deserve this pain?

Kadhir came two hours later. Without saying a word, he went to his room. After fifteen minutes, he came out and went to the kitchen, searched for something to eat. Not finding anything to eat, he again stormed out. He didn't even have the courtesy to apologise. He didn't even utter a word. He was not my Kadhir. He was some alien. Will it be possible to live with him hereafter? I was thinking, thinking, thinking till my head ached. Till my senses numbed. 

I waited for a week. Kadhir didn't even look at me! Was that because of guilt or male chauvinistic attitude, I didn't know. On the seventh day, I lost my patience and confronted him in the living room.

"What the hell you want from me? A divorce?", he yelled.

Oh, he is ready for divorce. 

"Tell me only one thing. How long this was happening?"

"Why does that matter to you? If you don't want to live with me here, you can well and good go ahead with your life", he spat the words with disgust.

"Didn't you love me?", I stammered with enormous anguish in my heart.

"Of course I loved you years back. But, I need fresh, young and different sex now"

"Didn't I offer you that?", I felt a stab in my chest.

"You gave, but, not to my satisfaction"

"So, you want to finish our marriage of twenty years?"

"It'll be good for both of us!"

"What about Dhruv? Wouldn't he miss his dad?"

"Hey, come on, he is a grown man. He will understand"

"Didn't you have at least a tiny bit of guilt?"

"Why should I? It is human nature. It's because of the hormone and evolution. I am just a puppet"

"Will you take it easy if I do the same thing to you?"

"It is this arrogance of you that drove me away from you. Talk like a woman", he growled and left.

There will be no point in living with this male chauvinistic monster anymore. He didn't even feel guilty for his immoral behavior. Only psychopaths would behave like him. It may even be a danger for my life, if I chose to live with him. I am a well educated woman, a doctor. I can earn for me and my son. Why the hell I should live under his abusive words. I left him with my son.

Three months passed. I was in a movie theater with my son. Suddenly, a couple sat in the front seat. I saw him with the lady, chuckling to his jokes. They kissed in the dim light. The woman turned back and looked at me with a sarcastic laugh, "see, your husband is a puppet in my bed", the devilish laugh echoed in my years, like a vampire's cruel and satisfactory laugh after sucking blood from a human's neck. I blinked open my eyes. My heart beat rapidly. My hands were trembling. Beads of sweat appeared on my forehead and the back of my neck. A terrible nightmare. I went to the fridge, opened it and took a gulp of water.

"This is called traumatic stress disorder", my psychiatrist friend Dr. Shiyamala announced, "you need psychotherapy!"

"Why the hell? I feel normal except the nightmares"

"Think like a doctor Kavitha. If you have these nightmares daily, your sleep will be disturbed and your energy will be lower on the next day"

"I will take adequate nutrients and I will do yoga and some exercises. That will boost my energy level"

"Still, you are not talking like a doctor. The nightmares are due to the betrayal buried deep into your subconscious. Sometimes, it may come out as a tsunami and engulf you. That will lead to severe depression. You may even have suicidal tendencies. At least take this therapy for Dhruv's sake"

Mentioning Dhruv's name made me stick to the therapy suggested by Dr. Shiyamala. After six months, I was totally free of those nightmares. I became an enthusiastic woman.

After a week Dr. Shiyamala gave me a lab report during our lunch time. I saw the name which read Mr. Kadhir. The report said HIV positive. 

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